


Does This Feeling Flow Both Ways?

by In_Your_Wildest_Dreams



Category: Booksmart (2019)
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/F, Flashbacks, Fluff, Mystery, School Reunion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2020-04-23 10:32:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 64,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19149247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/In_Your_Wildest_Dreams/pseuds/In_Your_Wildest_Dreams
Summary: In present day the upcoming reunion of the class of 2019 is just behind the corner, ready to tear up all the old wounds. Amy's past is catching up to her. Going back to her hometown will force Amy to be confronted with the loss, the hearbreaks, and her fuck ups of the past few years.





	1. The late afternoon, the ghost in your room

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a something I've been inspired to write while listening to the masterpiece that is Arctic Monkey's album AM.

_Present day_

“Amy, what is _that_?” Molly spotted a shiny small item sitting on Amy’s desk. She immediately went and reached for it.  
  
“Wha- oh,” Amy forgot she’d left the bracelet in plain sight, but Molly already had her eyes on it, so it was too late for the girl to hide it, “I was cleaning some drawers the other day and I-”  
  
“Oh my God! Amy, is this for-” Molly trailed off once her observation reached to the engraving on the backside of the accessory, _“nerd?”_ Molly read ferociously out loud the last word of the writing. “Amy, tell me this is not what I think it is.” She held the item between two fingers as if it was something disgusting. Which from her point of view it was. That item was from _her_ , Molly was convinced.  
  
“Molls, it’s old, I forgot to throw it away, it doesn’t mean anything. Now give it back, please,” Amy reached for the bracelet, but Molly swiftly pulled away her hand, held it behind her back.  
  
“Now hold on, you mean to tell me, you held onto this sordid item for over ten years?”  
  
Amy rolled her eyes around the room, avoided all eye contact. “No,” she said, shortly murmured words Molly couldn’t hear.  
  
“What?”  
  
“I said,” then Amy trailed off again, her answered let out under her breath.  
  
“I still can’t hear you.”  
  
“It’s not been ten years,” Amy said all frustrated. All she really wanted was to have the bracelet back, so she could pretend that she threw it away, then hide it somewhere safe.  
  
“Fine, eleven years.”  
  
“It’s been less than ten year, okay?”  
  
Amy decided she would reclaim the item herself. But a startled Molly was better at fighting Amy off.  
  
“Wait, wait. What do you mean less than ten years? Have you and Hope reunited?”  
  
“Maybe.”  
  
“That’s not an answer, Amy.”  
  
“Yes, okay? We have. Now will you _please_ give me back that thing?”  
  
Amy’s answer left Molly in shock. She thought her best friend was honest with her at all times. “You never told me.”  
  
The disappointment in Molly’s voice broke Amy’s heart.  
  
“Molls-”  
  
“I can’t believe this.”  
  
Molly handed the item to Amy.  
  
“I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad at me.”  
  
“I’m not mad, I’m furious. Is this why you don’t want to go? Because as long as I, the co-organizer of the reunion knows, she _will_ be there. And, and why would she give you a bracelet for? Was that a second-break-up gift of hers? Hm? Is that why it says _‘It’ll be alright, nerd’_? I need answers, Amy.”  
  
“It’s not like that. I was at a bad place and you weren’t here and she was and-”  
  
“So you let her ruin your life, again.”  
  
“You don’t get it.”  
  
“I would be thrilled to understand, please, tell me,” Molly called out sarcastically.  
  
“It was six years ago,” Amy said suggestively, uncomfortable to elaborate on it, hopeful that Molly catches on.  
  
“Six year ag- _oh_ , Amy.” All Molly could do was hug her best friend. Knowing fully well it still was hard for Amy to talk about, Molly still didn’t understand why the devil gave Amy that bracelet.  
  
“But Amy, why do you have this? Why did she give this to you?”  
  
“You know you were in England and couldn’t come back. When I went home for the funeral, she was in town too, and... Then it turned out she lived in New York, so when we both returned we kind of, you know.”  
  
“I am not thrilled about this, Amy. I am your best friend and I’ve always supported you, but this. Mm-mmm. I can’t watch you get ruined by that bitch. Not again.”  
  
“Don’t call her that.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“Just don’t.”  
  
“She broke your heart. Twice.”  
  
Amy raised her brows, “twice?”  
  
“Do I look stupid to you, Amy? You’re here, this thing is here, but where is she? Hmm? And I can see you’re miserable.”  
  
“I am not. It’s not like you think. I’m fine, okay? Can we have this talk some other time? I still need to pack.”  
  
Molly looked at her doubtfully. “Okay, I’ll let you be. For now. But you can’t escape the talk, Amy.”  
  
Amy shot two finger guns at her best friend. While continuing at figuring out what to pack for her trip home, guilt was slowly crawling onto her. Yes, Amy was miserable indeed. But Amy wasn’t wronged by Hope. The other way around. How was Amy to know if Hope wanted to see her again? But then again, if Hope was hurt, why did she send that bracelet months after their break up?

  



	2. Now, it's three in the mornin'

_Present day_

The closer they were to her house, the more Amy’s stomach shrunk. She was convinced it wasn’t bigger than a cherry seed by the time the taxi parked in front of her home. She exited the car, paid the driver, who shortly drove away. Amy was left standing at the edge of the curb with sadness in her eyes. Molly kept insisting on coming with her, but Amy needed to do it by herself. Not only was it the time of the reunion, but it also happened to be the anniversary. One more day and Amy would be reminded of the saddest day of her life. 

She imagined once she came back, everything would be like before. She’d enter the house, her parents would greet her, give her hugs and kisses and tell her everything would be alright. 

Sadly that was only possible in her head. She wasn’t going to enter that house she once knew as her home. She wasn’t going to see her parents again. To that thought, tears rolled down her cheeks. She used to cry every now and then, but time would make it more bearable. She’d grow stronger. But standing where she grew up, standing in front of the only place she knew as a safe haven, the place which held some of the best memories, brought back every single bad thought. Amy was also reminded of what followed the tragedy of her parents passing away. She shook her head, hoping that would rid her of those thoughts.

She was staying at Molly’s house, she’d decided she’d take a walk there. It was unbelievable how much everything had changed. So many new faces, so many new places. Some buildings were rebuilt, some were completely new ones. Amy wondered if they had done something with the school too. New school colors or added buildings. 

Car honking snapped Amy out of the downfall of her thoughts. When she turned around, she saw a limousine pulling up. For a second she was concerned, but then she saw the back window pull down. 

“Stop the car!” Gigi yelled at her driver. 

“Gigi?” 

“Amy. I knew you’d come.”

“Really.”

“Come, I’ll drive you.”

“Thank you, but I’d rather walk.”

“They told me I have to pick you up when I see you.”

“They?” 

“I have to take you to her.”

“Sorry?” 

“This is not a joke, Amy. How am I supposed to help you, if you don’t listen to me?”

“I’m listening.”

“Remember, at Nick’s party at the fortune-telling circle, I told you your future looked _hopeful_.”

“I don’t- you mean the party in junior year?”

“Duh.”

“I don’t get it.”

“We’ve all done things. So don’t be a bitch.”

“What-” before Amy was able to say anything to that, Gigi yelled at her driver to go and soon Amy by herself on the street again. 

Once Amy arrived at Molly’s house she received warm welcomes from Molly’s parents. Both girls were tired so they went to bed pretty early. But Amy had troubles falling asleep. Many things kept her up. One of them was lying to Molly about Hope and what exactly happened after her parents died. There was so much Molly didn’t know, mainly because Amy wanted to protect her best friend from the truth, but also because she was scared Molly wouldn’t have wanted to be her friend anymore. That, of course, was irrational, because Molly had been there no matter what, yet, the things Amy did were too-not-Amy, so expecting judgment and condemnation was in place. 

The clock on her phone showed 2:57 am, when Amy suddenly woke up to a fast beat of her heart. She couldn’t sleep. She had this bad feeling seizing over her, soon she started to panic. She had to leave. Quickly, she grabbed her phone and sent a text she’d immediately regretted. But she had to go. Molly was sleeping like a baby. Amy did her best not to wake her friend up. She put on some clothes, grabbed her jacket, slipped into her sneakers. She took a pair of keys so she doesn’t wake the whole building up with smashing the front door, plus she also had to get back inside once she’d returned.  
She was amazed by how calm everything was at 3:00 am. So much calmer than the city at this time. 

The once thing she did not expect was the cemetery gates being closed. Why would they be closed during the night? What if somebody, as in Amy, wanted to go there? How was she supposed to get inside? Climb the fence? What if somebody came and thought she was a robber? Amy tried to pick the lock, without luck though.

“Need a hand?” 

“Jesus Christ!” Amy yelled out. She turned around and shoved the flashlight coming from her phone right into the stranger’s face.

“It’s just me,” Hope was covering her eyes since she didn’t want them to be burned out by Amy’s light. The shorter girl lowered her phone, her heart pounded too fast, she had to grab her chest. “You  
scared me, for fuck’s sake. You can’t sneak up on people unexpected.”

“Unexpected?” Hope whispered, “I don’t consider it unexpected when I text somebody and then they show up.”

“Well, I didn’t really expect you showing up, okay? I didn’t even know if you were in town. Or if you-”

“If I remembered? Would I have texted you every year on this day if I didn’t remember?” 

Amy shrugged. “Still, it’s the middle of the night, I’m sure you had something better to do. Like, I don’t know, sleeping or something.”

“I can’t believe you still do that.” 

“Do what?” 

“Doubt that somebody would be there for you even if you gave them shit for no reason in the past.” 

“That’s specific and sort of only applies to you, but okay.”

“So you don’t see me for five years and don’t even ask how I am?” Hope teased Amy. The girl didn’t know what to say. Was she supposed to carry on with the conversation? She was just too scared. To talk about things that happened between them. She wanted to know if Hope was okay. Amy didn’t want Hope to show up only out of obligation, only because she made a promise to Amy all those years ago. 

Looking or rather feeling Hope’s presence brought back all the feelings to Amy. The good ones above the bad ones. But Hope showing up on that specific night, the anniversary of her parents’ death, didn’t persuade Amy that the taller girl still had feelings for her. In fact, there was no evidence of that at all. Did she even want to know if Hope had still feelings? Did she want for Hope to have feelings for her? Did she have feelings for Hope? Amy wanted to know so bad. What was she supposed to just ask? Would’ve been dumb after all those years. 

“I’m sorry, Hope, I can’t do this. At least not now. I’m sorry for texting you. I know I should not be doing this, pulling you back into the mess my life is. It wasn’t fair of me to do that.”

Hope was quiet for a short moment, “you’re probably right. But I’m still helping you pick that lock. Here,” she stepped to the gate and within seconds had it unlocked. Amy was in awe, although it wasn’t the first time of the taller beauty to do that trick.

 

 _Flashback_  
“I can’t believe this. My parents are going to kill me, I swear. My mom will give me a _look_ and my dad oh, he’s gonna freak out,” Amy kept hopping from one foot onto the other, nervously mumbling into the darkness, while holding up the light for the girl leaning next to her.

“Amy, you need to calm down, okay? I’ll be done with this in a minute and we’re out of here. Just hold that light in one place, please.”

“This is your fault,” Amy turned to Hope, who to this stopped playing with the lock and turned around to face Amy. She grabbed the phone from Amy’s hand and held it up in the level of their shoulders, pointed it right into Amy’s face. 

“Mind you repeating that?” 

“All I’m saying is if you didn’t take me into that projection room, we wouldn’t be locked inside the fucking cinema.”

Hope raised her brows. “You wanted to see it.”

“Yes, see it, not have sex in there.”

“It didn’t seem like you had any objections.”

“I- we- an-” Amy kept stuttering, flustered about the situation they had gotten themselves into.

“Just admit it, you enjoyed it.”

“It was sex with you, of course, I fucking enjoyed it,” Amy said it like it was so obvious.

“Maybe I should bring you here more often,” Hope stepped closer to Amy, leaned right to her right ear, “it was a pleasure to hear you scream,” she then kissed a shocked Amy on the cheek and handed the  
phone back to her girlfriend. “Now, please hold.”

 _Way to turn me on_ , Amy thought and continued watching her girlfriend pick the lock of the cinema’s backdoor.


	3. Lone ranger riding through an open space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Amy's and Hope's paths crossed for the first time in sophomore year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to be clear, the fic is going to jump from the present day to the very beginnings. I hope it won't confuse anybody, I will make sure to clarify whenever there is a jump in time (it'll be in italics). (:

_Sophomore year_  
Amy was done with classes and was supposed to be Molly’s ride, but her best friend had an emergency group project thing, told Amy to just go home without her.

Her car pulled out from the school’s parking lot onto the street. She was listening to _Power_ by Bastille, the volume was on a moderate level; not too loud, but loud enough so nobody would hear her voice as she screamed along with the lyrics. She stopped at a smaller crossroad. She looked around, no car was anywhere near so she carried on with driving straight ahead.

There was another crossroad coming up, so she slowed down. When she looked around, she saw a cyclist coming from her right, but she was on the major road, so the cyclist had to stop. That was not what happened though. 

“Fuck!” Like the truck driver she is at heart, Amy cursed all the way when she saw her car and the cyclist collided. “Shit, shit, fuck.”

She quickly stepped out of the car, “what the fuck dude? Are you blind?” She skipped to the front of the car.

“I could ask the same.”

“The fuck? Hope I didn’t-”

“Sure, I’m okay, don’t worry.”

Amy was taken aback by the arrogance of the girl sitting in front of her car.

“You better be, this is your fault,” Amy then went around to check if the car was okay, “what the f- you can’t be serious, my dad’s gonna kill me if he sees the car. The hell is your bike made of?” 

“Are you for real now?” 

“Fuck you, Hope! You saw me coming, this is the major road, you were supposed to stop. Why do you even ride a bike if you’re not clear about the fucking rules on the road?”

“You hit me with your car, remember?” The girl stood up, brushed off whatever dust from the road stuck on her. 

“You hit my car with your bike! Fuck!” Amy stomped the ground. She’d decided she would just go home and somehow explain to her father how the right light was trashed. 

“Where are you going?” Hope questioned this decision. 

“Home?!” Amy stated the obvious.

“You’re going to leave? Really? A hit-and-run? Really, A-meek?” 

“You’re obviously okay, so.”

“I’m not. _Again_ , thank you for asking.” Hope hobbled to her bike lying a few steps from her. 

Amy saw the girl could not walk properly, but she _knew_ she was right. It was not her fault.

“Ah, fuck,” she whispered, “I can take you, but leave the bike.”

Hope gave her a doubtful look. 

“You’ll come back for it eventually. I’m sure nobody would steal a broken bike.”

Unconvinced by Amy’s prediction, Hope didn’t let go of her bike.

“Can you not see the car? It’s too small.” Amy was done with convincing the girl, so she sat in, but waited for a moment longer, leaving her door open. “You want me to give you that lift or not?”

Amy watched Hope roll her eyes, let her bike hit the pavement, then get into the passenger’s seat. Amy started the engine, but since she didn’t know where Hope lived, she wasn’t quite sure which direction was she supposed to take. So they sat in the car for almost a minute, while the speakers blasted Lorde’s _Magnets_. Hope was resting her head in her palm, which was leaned against the car door. 

“Is me getting home going to happen this decade or what now?” 

“I don’t know where you live.”

“Oh, please show me where do I put the address in, so you can calculate the distance and shortest road there and get finally going?” Hope gestured at Amy's sitting body.

“What is your problem?!” Amy turned half-turned to Hope, who was now looking at her. Amy found the girl intimidating, rude, and annoying as hell. 

“Which one do you want to hear? That a loser hit me with her car, that my knee is bleeding or that you’re not driving yet?”

“Why do you have to be so mean?” 

“I’m getting the impression you actually don’t know how to drive.”

“I can drive!” 

“Then what are you waiting for?”

“Tell me the fucking address.”

“It's on the 52nd.”

Amy had no idea where that was. She turned back to grip the steering wheel and pouted her lips, then softly said, “do I go straight or turn around?”

Hope scoffed, leaned her head back against the headrest. “Just go straight, take the second to the left.”

Amy felt sort of bad for the incident, on the other hand, was angry at Hope and the lack of her knowledge of road rules. Amy was going to offer to help walk Hope to the door, but decided not to in the end, since Hope didn’t even thank for the ride. 

*  
*

The next day the whole school knew about the incident. That made Amy’s anger to grow even further. She couldn’t understand why Hope had the need to spread it around the school, while, of course, turning the roles, telling it was Amy’s fault. 

“I still can’t believe you had a crash and I wasn’t there. I thought we would have that first experience together. Stupid group project.” Molly was enjoying the fame Amy unintentionally gained for herself. 

“It was her fault, not mine.”

“Yeah, sure, but, you know, you hit her.”

“She saw me coming. I swear.”

“Sweety, I believe you, but I also believe nobody will ever sit in your car ever again.”

“Not even you?” 

“Of course I will. It’d be an honor to die next to you.”

“Molls, that’s not funny.”

“I was thinking though. How much of a bitch was she after the accident?” 

Amy shot a lecturing look at Molly when they stopped by Amy’s locker. 

“On a scale of one to ten.”

“Maybe an eight.”

“Hmm, she’s a twelve on a good day. If you happen to hit her again, do it harder, maybe you can actually hit the bitch out of her.”

“Molly.”

“Right... you should apologize.”

“What?”

“I’ll go with you to her house.”

“Why would I go to her house?”

“To apologize. Since she didn’t come to school today, you could go to her.”

As they were walking down the hallway to class, everyone gave Amy the wrong eye. Amy panicked for a moment. Hope didn’t come to school, maybe her injuries were more serious.

Or the girl is only messing with her and made it seem so. 

“That I will not do.”

Molly kept persuading her for the rest of the day, but her attempts were no success. 

*  
*

Two days later, on a Friday evening, Molly enthusiastically stormed into Amy’s room with a huge grin on her face. Whatever it was Molly had in mind, Amy already hated it. 

“Amy, we're going,” said Molly and kept nagging Amy, pulling her by the arm, the girl almost fell off the bed she was sitting on. 

Amy whined, “Molly, no.”

“We're going. We were invited, we have to show up. It's rude not to show up.”

“I wasn't invited.”

“I was invited so that automatically extends onto you. I don't make the rules here.”

“Yes, you do.”

“Yes, I do indeed.”

Amy groaned.

“A certain somebody will be there too. So you will be able to take the opportunity to apologize to this somebody.”

Amy was reminded of her rudeness expressed to one of her classmates. 

“Right. Or I can just not apologize.”

“Look, I hate her just as much as you do-”

“I don't hate her. I just don't think I owe her an apology.” 

“Because hitting somebody with a car is _so_ not something you apologize for.”

“It was her fault. She clearly saw me coming.”

“You still knocked her down.”

Amy let her body fall backward, her back collided with the bed. “Fine. But as soon as I found her and said sorry, I'm leaving.”

Molly triumphantly reached her hands up in the air above her head and mouthed 'yes’, then started dancing. “Come on, let's dress you up.”

“I'm good, thank you.”

“No, come on,” Molly pulled Amy by the legs, so the lying girl ended up on the floor. 

Once at Annabelle's house, Molly dragged an annoyed Amy with her to the front door which was unlocked, so they entered. The house seemed tame, only a few people mingled here and there, some talked on the couch. The main part of the party was outside by the pool. 

“Molly! Hey, Amy.”

Amy just nodded, shortly found herself all by herself, since Molly left to greet some more people. 

“Hey,” Jared appeared beside her. 

“Sup?”

“I could ask you the same. Are the rumors true?”

Amy frowned, looked at Jared puzzled, “what rumors?”

“Well, I mean not rumors, I, I don't listen to them. No, neither gossip or whatever. It's not even a rumor, I, Gigi told me something. She saw the whole Hope-less situation,” Jared forced out a chuckle at his own poor attempt of a pun. 

“Oh that. It was nothing really. And it was her fault.”

“Well, I don’t know about it but-”

“Yeah, you don’t know, but wait… Did you say Gigi saw?”

“Yeah.”

“What did she see?” Sparks lit up in Amy’s eyes. “Is she here?” 

“The party? Yeah. Somewhere.”

“Where?” 

“I don’t know,” Jared shrugged and took a sip from his cup. “Good luck finding her,” he said, but Amy was already lightyears away, pushing through the bodies around the pool. 

She was sure if she found Gigi, the girl would be able to testify to her version of the incident (as long as what Jared said about Gigi being a witness to the collision was true). Amy looked everywhere, outside at least. She went inside to peek into a few rooms, Gigi might’ve been in one of them, napping or whatever. 

Passing through a corridor, she was suddenly pulled inside a room by a hand that appeared out of the blue. “What-”

“Shh.”

“Gigi! I was looking for y-”

“Shhh!” Gigi’s hand covered Amy’s mouth. “Sit.”

“Okay.”

“Give me your hands.” 

There was nobody else in the room, which was only light up by a single candle. Amy realized they were actually in a bathroom. 

“Ahhh!” Gigi called out, “you, my friend, we’re soulmates. But- wait, no. Your future is more hopeful. Hopeful. Yes.”

With that the girl let Amy’s hands go and stormed out, even the candle’s tiny fire went out. 

“Gigi! Wait! Gig-” Amy shut up screaming the girl’s name when another familiar face turned up from behind the corner coming from the kitchen. Amy’s eyes shot higher up, she had to fight that lump in her throat. 

“I hope you’re not here with a car.” 

Hope extended her arm, so it reached the wall Amy stood next to, blocking a way of escape from the conversation. The taller girl was wearing a pair of light high-waist jeans and a grey t-shirt. 

“No,” Amy proclaimed proudly, crossed her arms against her chest.

“Good.”

“Good.”

Amy wanted to wipe the smug smile off Hope’s face. “What?” Asked Amy as if she didn’t know what Hope was waiting for. 

“Yes, I’m okay. I have a nasty bruise on my knee, but since I don’t mind the scar,” Hope shrugged one shoulder, flashed her brows. 

“Well, your welcome then, I guess.”

Amy’s response surprised Hope. 

“And people say I’m a bitch.”

“I don’t.. I mean, I won’t call you names, no matter how much I think the accident was your fault.”

“You’ve got the nerve.”

“You know I’m right.”

“Do I?” Hope straightened up and stepped closer to Amy, who kept her posture. 

“Yes. And you know what? Gigi saw it. I’ll just have to catch her somewhere and ask her. You’ll see.”

“Mhmm,” Hope made another step. 

“Yeah, she- um, sh-”

Both girls were interrupted by Gigi appearing out of nowhere. “Did you guys talk about me?” 

“Yes! Thank you,” Amy said happily, Hope just looked annoyed at the other two. “You saw the accident a few days ago right?” 

“Yes.”

“Would you tell her that it was her fau-”

“You hit her with your car.” 

“Wha-”

Hope smirked. 

“But she was on a minor road, you sure know the rules.”

“You hit her.”

“Bu-”

“You’ll thank me later.” And with that, Gigi vanished. 

Amy turned back to Hope, whose body was much closer than Amy had remembered it was. 

The taller girl was still confidently rocking a smirk. 

“I’m not apologizing.”

“Okay,” Hope straightened her back, “I will do it then.”

Amy couldn’t tell where the conversation was going.

Hope continued, “I’m sorry that some people are so impossible that they don’t know how to drive properly. I’m sorry that losers like Amy are allowed to even leave their house. I’m sorry that meeks like Amy exist. And I am utterly sorry that I have to be anywhere near people like Amy.” 

“Well,” Amy was ready to respond, "I am really sorry for you, Hope. You think you’re telling people how it is, but really you’re a loser like everyone else. You’re mean and rude to everyone. I’m sorry that nobody actually likes you. I’m sorry you have to pretend you’re reading books all day so you don’t seem lonely because nobody wants to talk to you. I’m sorry you keep converting your sadness into being mean to others.” 

Hope seemed kind of hurt by Amy's words. Like _maybe_ it hit too close to home. "You think you know it all, don't you?" Hope asked while doing another step towards Amy. Slowly but steadily, with each upcoming step forward from Hope, Amy made one backward. 

"No... Not yet."

Soon Amy's back hit the edge of one of the rooms' doorways. 

"Ah," Hope squinted her eyes and nodded, "right. Do you never think you want to know too much?" Amy's eyes wandered everywhere but Hope's gaze, which was piercing through her like a deadly light beam. Amy had to take another step backward and once she did, she found herself standing in a bedroom. 

"I don't like you, Amy."

"I don't like you either, so… at least something we agree on."

"You're annoying."

"And you, uh- you are too and I will not apologize… yo-you can stop trying to intimidate me and all."

Hope smirked, "why? What's going to happen if I don't?" she said, then bit her lower lip while keeping an eye on Amy.


	4. You were a stranger in my phonebook

_Sophomore year_  
_Hope smirked, "why? What is going to happen if I don’t?" she said, then bit her lower lip while keeping an eye on Amy._

Amy didn’t have to go too far to give Hope an answer. With fear in her eyes, but determination in her heart, Amy rose to her toes and kissed Hope. 

“Didn’t think you had it in you,” said Hope once they parted lips. Amy started panicking. What had gotten into her? How was she to know if Hope was into it? Well, maybe the tall girl biting her lip was an indicator (and her cunning smile after the kiss). And Amy was sure she wasn’t the only one who could feel the vibration between them. 

Amy swallowed the lump from the throat, grabbed Hope by her t-shirt on both sides of her hips and pulled the taller girl closer. Hope cupped Amy’s cheeks and had their lips connect again. The hunger grew in both of them with each second. For Hope’s surprise, Amy was the one who led them to the bed behind them. They turned around, so Hope ended up on the bed first, with Amy straddling her. 

Something in Amy switched making her realize where she was and what was actually happening. She was making out with Hope. _She was making out with Hope._ Hope! She parted their lips and sat up, but remained sitting on Hope’s thighs, the taller girl's hands firmly on hers. 

“Are you okay?” Hope raised, supported her torso with her elbows. 

“Uh, I- should, mmm, I have, I, something,” Amy looked for the words while climbing off Hope. “Thanks for the, it was, we- you know, the,” without letting out a proper sentence, Amy exited the room and skipped outside to the pool. She had to find Molly. She heard Hope call her name in the distance, but soon her voice was lost in the music playing outside. 

“Molls! Molly!” Amy finally spotted her best friend chatting with Annabelle and a few other people Amy didn’t recognize. She ran up to her friend, grabbed her waist and pulled her away. 

“What’s wrong? Did you see a ghost? Whose was it?”

“No. I’m leaving,” they both had to scream throughout the whole conversation, for the music was too loud. 

“What? We’ve just arrived. Wait,” Molly’s eyes widened, “did you find Hope?” 

“She found me.”

“And? Did you apologize?”

“No.”

“Why not?” 

“I kissed her.” 

“What? Did you kill her? What the fuck, Amy!” Molly started freaking out.

“No! I kissed her!” Amy motioned at her mouth. 

“Kis- kissed her? What? How?”

“With my lips, obviously.”

“Wait,” Molly dragged both of them to the back of Annabelle’s backyard, where the music was less audible. “Now, tell me everything. And I mean everything.”

“There’s nothing to tell. I want to go home before she finds me.”

“Why would you be hiding from her? Didn’t you kiss her? Did she not like it?”

“She did, she kissed me back, and we almost, but then we didn’t.”

“Did what?!”

“Nothing, okay? I’m going home. Please call my dad for me.”

“Where’s your phone?” 

“It must’ve fallen on the bed when we,” Amy trailed off when she saw the happy child Molly looked while listening to her, “nothing. I can’t go back.” 

“But your phone.”

“I don’t care. I just want to leave. Please.”

Amy waited for her father by a bush in front of Annabelle’s house. He showed up within a few minutes. Amy hopped in.

“Is everything okay?” Her father noticed his daughter being distracted. 

“Yeah. Just go, please,” Amy asked of her father. 

“Did something happen?” 

“No. I’m good. Let’s go, p- oh fuck,” a curse slipped through her lips when she saw Hope was approaching the car. 

“Who is that? Your friend?” 

“She’s not my friend.” 

Hope came right up to Amy’s side and bent down to see inside. She smiled politely at Amy’s dad. She held up Amy’s phone. 

“Is that your phone?”

Amy groaned, “yup.”

“Why don’t you roll down the window, honey?” Her father suggested the obvious. She slowly rolled it down, but not completely, just so Hope could give her the phone. 

“Good evening,” her father greeted Hope joyously. 

“Hello.”

Amy was handed her phone and was about roll the window back up, but her father spoke up again, “would you like us to give you a ride?” 

Amy shot her father a reproving look. 

“No, thank you, just returning the phone.”

“You sure?” 

“Yeah. See you on Monday,” Hope’s smug face made Amy blush. Why did she have to have fantasies when she looked at the taller beauty? What was Amy even thinking, liking Hope? Why had her stupid body decided that her heart would start beating fast and she’d start sweating when she saw or even thought of Hope. Or was it only a crush? Maybe if she didn’t see the tall girl for a few days her feelings would simply evaporate. Oh, but the thought of Hope’s lips. And she smelled so nice. And she was so soft. Amy shook her head, hoping it would make the thoughts go away. 

At home, Amy fell into her bed with a smile on her face. She grabbed her phone to text Molly she got home safe and that if she needed a ride, her father would happily pick her up. When she unlocked her phone though, a surprise awaited her. Her screensaver had been changed from a picture of her and Molly to a picture of Hope’s face, which was blocked by a middle finger, only her eyes were gazing right out of the picture. 

“The fuck?”

Soon a text came from a contact saved as _Hope-you-like-her_ , which said _‘Is this how you usually apologize?’_

Amy was shook. This tall, soft-skinned specimen dared to use the situation to get Amy’s number and save hers in Amy’s phone. Amy, having no game at all, stared at her phone until she fell asleep, not replying to the text until the next day.

*  
*

“You’re in _so_ deep.”

“Stop saying that.”

Amy’s phone was lying on the floor, in the middle of the room. The two girls, Amy from the top and Molly from the lower bunk, didn’t take their eyes off of it for over an hour. 

“The longer you wait, the worse it is, Amy. Take the phone and write something.”

“I can’t.”

“Then I will.”

“No!”

“Amy?”

“What?” 

“I never asked you.”

“Hm?” 

“How much tongue was involved?” 

“Stop,” Amy covered her head with a pillow. She was done talking about the kiss(es). Of course, it didn’t mean she was done thinking about it. When she removed the pillow, she had Molly and the phone right up in her face. 

“Text her.”

“No.”

“You want to, I know you do.”

“No?”

“Yes.”

“Maybe.”

“Do it.”

Finally, Amy took her phone and typed in _‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’_ and hit send without hesitation. 

Molly gave her a doubtful look, “you’ve been thinking about a good response since last night and this is all that you’ve come up with?” 

“Why didn’t _you_ write something then?” 

“It’s not _my_ phone that has her face as the screensaver. Which by the way you still haven’t changed back to our picture, for which I forgive you, of course.”

Response from Hope came quite soon. Amy read it aloud, “Next time, take me out on a date first.” By the next time, Hope definitely meant Amy kissing her. 

Molly nodded her head softly, “mmm, I have to admit, she’s good.”

“Mhmm.”

The two girls sat quietly for a good two minutes.

“Molly?”

“Yeah?” 

“The text.”

“Well, do it.”

“Do what?” 

“Ask her out. She’s basically done it for you, but you have to make it official.”

“What if I don’t want to go out with her?” 

Molly looked at her snappily. “You should be asking a more important question.”

“Like what?” 

“Where should you take her?” 

Amy groaned. She typed in _‘I’ll pick you up at 6 tomorrow,’_ and sent it.

“Nice, now we have time to figure out where to take her.”

“Exactly.”

Amy was going on a date. With Hope. Something she never thought would happen. Even Hope’s dumb response didn’t discourage her. “God protect me from getting hit by Amy and her car again,” Molly read out loud, then quietly added, “asshole.” Molly took the phone from Amy and started typing. Then when Amy looked at what her friend came up with and it read, _‘the only thing I’ll be hitting is your a-’_ she quickly figured out where the subject matter of the text was going, so she jerked the phone out of her best friend’s hand and deleted every word.


	5. Have you no idea that you're in deep?

_Present day  
“... you’re probably right. But I’m still helping you pick that lock..”_

"You don't have to come with me."

"I know," Hope responded easily and kept on walking by the shorter girl's side.

As they walked between the gravestones, Amy couldn't help but try to figure out why was Hope being so nice to her. After all those years. 

_Has this girl not learned the lesson: do not interact with Amy_ , thought Amy. Soon her mind was hopping right onto the Guilt Express, its engines powered by all the guilt for how things went with Hope in New York all those years ago and also by the guilt of excluding Molly out of it all. Molly! And it was not as if it had happened a few days or weeks ago. It was five years ago. And Amy was never brave enough to tell Molly. Walking in the cemetery at three in the morning might seem like a scene out of a horror movie, but what was going through Amy’s head was a hundred times scarier. 

“I’d tried calling, you know… in New York.” Spoke Amy.

The weak cemetery lights, which seamed the thin paths of the object together, played out a ballet of shadow game against their faces. 

“I know.”

Amy wasn’t sure how the conversation was supposed to proceed. She’d never played out the scenario in her mind. She didn’t know all its possible outcomes. What if she said the wrong thing and it started a chain of bad word combinations and soon they’d end up fighting about the past. Amy had so many questions. Like, how was she doing? Where did she go after New York? Where was her home? Whom did she share that home with (if she did)? Was she angry at Amy? Was she disappointed? Most importantly, did Hope still have some sort of feelings for her? And did Amy still have feelings for Hope? 

Soon they would be standing by a double tombstone, Amy’s parents’ names and that day’s date on them. Suddenly, all of Amy’s thoughts vanished. Every concern about Hope, Molly or the small crumbs which were the only things that have left of her life. Waves of sadness washed her soul. She remembered she was lonely. She had nobody left.

Amy broke down, she dropped to her knees. She sat in the grass, legs crossed, head down. All the bad and good memories of her mom and dad flashed before her. How they used to celebrate her birthdays, how with her dad they used to bake a cake for her mom’s birthday.  
A soft but cold hand tucked the hair from her face behind her ear. From the corner of her eye, Amy saw Hope sat next to her. 

“Sorry, this is really embarrassing,” Amy sniffled softly. 

“Oh, how _embarrassing_ ,” Hope said mockingly, “crying? That is so old, geez. Think of something new, Amy,” she gently nudged Amy’s knee with her fist. 

A small giggle came from Amy, which made Hope smile. 

“When I came out to them, my dad found this insidious workshop for parents whose children just came out. My dad and my mom drove to San Francisco for a whole weekend and when they came back they were so enthusiastic. They talked to me about feelings and sex and protection and I remember I wanted the ground to open up underneath me.”

Hope smiled, reached for Amy’s hands which were playing with thin grass blades. 

“I miss them so much,” Amy broke down. She couldn’t fight the tears anymore. Hope scooted behind Amy’s back and wrapped her arms tightly around the shorter girl’s torso. Her fingers intertwined and rested in Amy's lap, chin rested on her shoulder. It felt like nothing had changed like no time had passed like they were still on that roof in Manhattan. 

The warmth of Hope’s closeness gave Amy belief. Belief that her days were not doomed just yet. Maybe she couldn’t bring her parents back, but she definitely could mend her relationship with Hope. And Molly. Molly had to find out the truth. Ignoring things, pretending they didn’t exist might’ve worked all those years, but as if a demon trying to break out of her body, unsaid truths laid pressure on her to come clean. It was time Amy acknowledged her wrongdoings. 

They sat there until the sun started slowly stretching its rays, touching up on all things reachable. Hope drove Amy back to Molly’s. No words were said.

Amy wanted to ask Hope if the girl was able to ever forgive her, but she stopped herself from talking. Because what exactly was she seeking forgiveness for? For texting her in the middle of the night? For pulling her back? For senior year? For New York? Can you even pick one, Amy? Would it be _fair_ to pick one? 

Maybe it was the lack of sleep, maybe it was something else, but when Amy was leaving the car she noticed Hope being drained, tired. What if she felt that way all night, but Amy was so busy mourning she didn’t notice? Was she selfish for mourning the death of her parents? 

*

Later that day Amy went with Molly to a nearby café, where they met up with Annabelle and her cousin, Julien, who was going to be arranging the music at the reunion. 

“Amy? Amy?” Annabelle called for the girl sitting opposite from her.

“Yes, sorry.”

“Are you free later today?” 

“What for?” 

“Somebody needs to go with Julien to pick up the speakers since he doesn’t know the area.”

“What about you?” 

“I have to take care of the catering.”

“Isn’t that something which should’ve already been taken care of?”

“Yes, but they fucked up half of the order.”

“Molly?” Amy turned to her best friend. 

“I’m driving my mom to the doctor’s office, I’ve told you like five times.”

Amy rolled her eyes, “why do you think I can lead the way?” 

“I can go by myself,” Julien spoke up for the first time, seeing Amy’s annoyance. 

“No, she can go with you, right Amy?” Annabelle insisted.

“Just let him use his phone, I’m sure it has navigation.” 

“Amy, can I speak to you for a moment?” Molly asked for Amy to step outside with her, where Molly called out Amy on her hostile behavior, “talk to me, please. What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

Molly stepped closer to Amy, “I know today is _the_ day. But I’ve seen you on a few of these days. This is about something else. What is this about?”

“Nothing. I’m fine. I just didn’t sign up for driving with some strange guy around the city.”

“Why are you so upset about it?” 

“I’m not, I- ugh.”

Molly sighed, crossed her arms against her chest, then asked her best friend in a calm manner, “you saw her didn’t you?”

Amy scoffed, not believing they were back to that conversation. 

“Did you talk to her?" 

“Why do you have the need to tell me whom should I talk to?”

“I’ve only asked a question, Amy. No need to get defensive.” 

“Wha- You know, you were the one who insisted on me coming back.”

“You said you were okay.”

“I’m trying to fix it." 

“Fix what?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“It does, but you obviously don’t respect our friendship enough for you to be honest with me… or yourself.” 

“I can’t,” Amy’s voice cracked, “I’m sorry.”

“No, Amy. You just won’t,” Molly started walking back to the café’s door, "come and talk to me once you know what you want to say. I’ll pray you’ll show up one day.”

Why was talking to Molly so hard? Amy knew exactly why. It wasn’t judgment Amy feared. It was having Molly be even more mad with her for her secrecy and lies all those years ago. Disappointing Molly would’ve been the last nail in Amy’s coffin. If Molly found out Amy betrayed her, their friendship would’ve been over. For good. Plus, Amy was letting Molly think Hope was the bad guy in all of it, which was unfair to Hope. 

Amy wandered around the city for the rest of the day, thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. Must’ve been something past midnight, when she’d arrived back at Molly’s. 

The girl was still up, only nodded at Amy’s stiff body slowly approaching her in the kitchen. A single look in the eyes was enough for Amy to break down in tears.

“I did… something bad…. Molly,” she said between sobs. Shortly she had Molly walk her to the kitchen table, sat her down on one of the chairs.

“What sort of bad?” Molly asked frightened, not knowing what to expect. 

“I ruined her life.”

“Whose life?” Molly kneeled down in front of Amy, took her hands into her own, “who are you talking about?” 

“I ruined her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you all for the positive feedback, sweethearts! 
> 
> I told myself I wouldn't be updating until Monday, but this is so much fun to write lol. But since I have an exam on Monday, I won't be updating until maybe Tuesday. 
> 
> But I promise there's gonna be a lot of fluff in the upcoming chapters :)


	6. That little lady sittin' on the passenger side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back!!! Guess who aced her exam? (yup, me lol)... have fun reading! (:

_Present day_  
Two days went by since Amy came clean to Molly about what happened in New York. Molly was shocked, which was an understatement, but still supportive of her best friend. She was aware it wasn’t about her personally. She understood Amy had to go through all of it on her own since she wasn’t able to be there for her. And recalling a bad memory is sometimes harder than living through the experience. Because our minds trick us, Amy was in a trap, an endless circle of the same emotions pushing her down. And she was all alone for it all because poor girl was scared she’d lose her best friend if she was to open her mouth. Amy was hoping Molly fully understood what she went through and what price did the aftermath of her parents’ death come with. She hoped her best friend could forgive her for lying and that she could still call her her best friend. 

They talked until the early morning, then when Molly’s parents woke up and came downstairs to get ready for work around 5:00 am did the two girls go to sleep.

The heartbroken girl had barely left the house during those two days, which troubled Molly.

“Amy?” She whispered, unsure if her friend was taking a nap or was awake. 

“Hm?” 

“We’ll take a walk, what do you say?”

“Walk? Walk where?”

“Uhhh,” Molly pitched her voice, “the city.”

“What time is it?”

“Party-time,” Molly echoed the word _‘time’_ a few times. Amy did not at all like those words coming from Molly. 

“What?” Amy raised her head.

“Annabelle is having a small get together with the people who’re already here.”

“And you’re sure she wants _me_ there?” 

“Why wouldn’t she?” 

“You know why.”

“I've already explained to her your change of _attitude_.”

“You what?” Amy asked resentfully.

“I didn’t _tell_ her, obviously... when I went back into the café, I reminded her it was the anniversary. She even went outside to talk to you, but you were gone.”

“Oh.”

“She made me promise to bring you along.”

Amy groaned.

“I won’t leave your side. You won’t have to talk to anybody as long as you don’t want to. _Anybody_ ,” Molly emphasized, suggesting Hope as the person in question without mentioning her name. 

It wasn’t even that Amy didn’t want to talk to Hope. She didn’t know how to start. Because it’s been a day or two since being back in LA, but Hope wasn’t showing any effort to discuss things with Amy. So why would Amy have to? Oh right, because she still cares. 

In the end, Amy agreed to go. At least to apologize to Annabelle for being rude the other day. 

*  
*

“I was counting on fewer people showing up,” Annabelle said quietly to Molly and Amy.

“You made a public event, didn’t you?” Molly looked at her friend reproachingly. 

“It’s so much easier than giving everyone a phone call.”

“Mmm, so now you can whine about hosting a party to strangers.”

“Like who the fuck even are these people? I’ve seen like, six people whom I know.”

“Maybe they all had they face redone.”

“Shit. I think I left the front door unlocked,” Annabelle was about to stand up, but Molly was faster, “I’ll go.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Molly said walking towards the house. That left Annabelle and Amy by themselves. An opportunity for Amy to apologize. 

“Annabelle?”

“Amy?” 

The two said in unison, then both smiled at their perfect timing. “Go first,” Annabelle nodded.

“I want to apologize for my tone the other day. Although I’m not having the best of days, it’s not an excuse for being a jerk.”

“We’re good, don’t worry,” Annabelle smiled. 

“Now you go.”

“I’m, it’s really none of my business… I guess maybe a little. I’m worried about Hope,” Amy’s heart jumped when Hope’s name left Annabelle’s mouth, “we shared a flat in Jersey like, four years ago. It was a poor four months, still, I barely saw her. And when I was lucky enough to catch her, she was distraught and all over the place. Then I bumped into her at the airport three weeks ago, we shared a cab and it seemed like she finally got her shit together, but something’s still off about her. I don’t know what really happened between the two of you in senior year, but maybe she’d talk to you?”

_Oh, Annabelle, you sweet, clueless thing,_ Amy thought, _if you only knew_. If only Amy knew what exactly was going on with Hope. Now Amy’s previous dismissal of concern was canceled, all her worries came back. Amy thought of all the worst scenarios. 

Annabelle continued, “I’m worried about her. I know what Molly says, that we’ll all stay in touch after the reunion, but we won’t. It’ll be high school graduation all over again. I just want to make sure she’s okay.”

“You want me to talk to her?” 

“Would you?” 

What was Amy supposed to say? No? She couldn’t tell Annabelle there was much more to the story of her relationship with Hope. 

“I can give it a try,” Amy forced a smile. 

Finally, Molly’d returned, “I’ve just thought of the best vacation ever,” Molly’s words slowly faded even though Amy was sitting right next to her best friend. She needed a minute alone to think about what to do. 

“Is there any ice I can collect?” Amy interrupted Molly’s rant about the dream vacation she’d thought of. 

“Sure, you know where the kitchen is.”

Once inside, Amy went to the bathroom instead of the kitchen. She locked the door and sat on the edge of the bathtub. What if Hope needed help back in New York? What if Amy should have stayed instead of leaving for Budapest? If what Annabelle said was true, Amy made things a hundred times worse by leaving. But then, why didn’t Hope call? Did she not trust Amy? 

Amy was on the verge of crying. She stepped to the sink and splashed cold water on her face. She calmed herself down with a few deep breaths. Not wanting to be missing for too long, Amy finally left the bathroom. 

“ _Oh_ ,” Amy froze when she saw Hope was leaning against the wall by the bathroom. 

The tall girl’s face light up with a smile the moment she recognized it was Amy, “hey.”

“Uh, hi. I was just-,” Amy motioned at the bathroom she had just exited. Amy wondered how long had Hope stood there. 

“Okay,” Hope stepped past Amy, her scent had memories of emotions run through her. Amy, confused as to what to do, if she should keep the conversation going or let the girl use the bathroom, continued walking down the hall. 

“It’s funny,” Hope’s voice had Amy stop and turn around, “I thought that room was bigger,” Hope nodded at the room opposite to the bathroom. 

It was the room of the party in sophomore year. Where they first kissed. Amy blushed when she remembered how she fled the scene, not even sure why anymore. 

“Or we were smaller… well, I mean not you, but… uhm,” Amy closed her eyes for a millisecond and shook her head when she realized what had left her mouth. It was like high school all over again. She was ten years older but still knew exactly how to embarrass herself in front of a pretty girl. 

Hope giggled. Amy watched the taller girl disappear behind the bathroom door. Out of the blue, memories of their very first date flashed before her eyes… 

 

_Sophomore year_  
Amy was already parked outside Hope’s house, she had her eyes glued to the front door. When she saw the door open and Hope appear, she let out a soft, “damn,” then continued the conversation with herself when she realized that _‘damn’_ was audible, “why would you say that?” 

When Hope was at the car, Amy awkwardly threw a peace sign, which she immediately regretted doing.

“Hey.”

“Sup?” Hope said nonchalantly once she was sitting inside the vehicle, her door shut.  
The girl was so carefree. Amy felt as if Hope only went on a date with her out of obligation, which was an odd thing to think. Like, out of all the people at school, why was Hope the person who showed affection?

“Are we expecting a third party joining us?” Hope spoke up. Amy went daydreaming and forgot she was supposed to act like a human being and interact with Hope or something. 

“No,” Amy let out unconvincingly. The problem was, she couldn’t come up with a special place to take Hope to. There was nothing happening which would’ve been to some extent a fun date idea. Molly wasn’t much help either. “I’m sorry, I’m fucking bad at this. I- and I’m so sorry for running away, um leaving you the other night, I just,” Amy looked at Hope who smirked. If her usual awkwardness wasn’t jeopardizing any potential future relationship with Hope, not knowing where to take the girl on a date was ending whatever was going on. Amy expected Hope to leave the car and go back inside. 

“You’re giving me the impression it actually wasn’t _you_ who kissed me on Friday,” Hope’s expression changed soon, to something more sincere, “hey, don’t sweat it. None of us know what we’re actually doing. Nor has anybody the right to expect that from us.”

“You sure do know what you’re doing.”

“Maybe a little,” Hope shrugged, “but this is not a competition. There’s no prize in the end.”

Amy looked down. She was making a complete fool of herself and Hope didn’t laugh at her. The taller girl debunked the whole image Amy had in her head of her, “so what is the point then?” Amy asked curiously. 

“The delights you receive on the way towards the unknown.”

Amy eyed Hope once again just to see the girl sitting next to her making puppy eyes at her. “Delights? Like what?” 

Hope leaned in while reaching her hand, cupped Amy’s right cheek into her palm. Gently, she pulled Amy’s head a little closer and with a kiss closed the gap between them. Once they parted lips, their faces remained close, Hope softly rubbed the thumb against Amy’s lower lip, then let her hand slide down Amy’s arm. “Something like that,” she said. 

“Tasty,” Amy said, making Hope giggle, then whispered “fuck,” in addition. She could feel her cheeks burning. “That’s not what I was going to say, I don-,” Hope shut the girl up with a quick peck on the lips.

“Are you always going to be shutting me up with kisses? Is that- is that our thing now?” Amy flashed her brows cockily. 

“If you don’t shut up and drive, I’m going home,” Hope leaned back into her seat. Amy saluted and turned to the steering wheel. Before Amy could ask Hope if there was a place she wanted to go to, Hope spoke up again, “do you like fireworks?” 

“I didn’t think you’d bring something like this up, but honestly, dude, they’re the fucking worst. They pollute the atmosphere with all sorts of dangerous toxins and chemicals, many of which find their way into the soil and the water system. Not speaking of all the animals, which are scared shitless,” Amy went on a rant about fireworks and their negative impact on the environment. 

Hope gave the girl an unamused, but still impressed look, “do you at least like looking at them?” 

“I guess.”

“Good, let’s head to the beach then.”

“Why?” 

“You’ll see,” Hope pecked Amy on the cheek once again, which took the girl behind the steering wheel by surprise. Amy didn’t know what to think of Hope being so affectionate and she didn’t at all expect her to be that. While on the one hand, it seemed like Hope was into her, Amy was cautious making immediate assumptions.

And so the two girls were on the road with Amy driving and Hope navigating them. Not wanting to drive in silence, Amy thought it more constructive to keep up a conversation with Hope than putting some music on.

“Is it safe? Wherever we’re going?”

“Yeah. We won’t be doing anything illegal,” Hope assured the girl. 

“Good, good. You’ve been to this place before?” 

“A couple of times.”

“By… yourself?” 

Hope scoffed, “you think I’m guiding us to a special date spot, which actually isn’t so special because I’ve been there with somebody else on a date before?” She hit the nail right on the fucking head. 

Amy made an idiot of herself, _again_. If she kept score of the moments she acts like an idiot, the final result would be much higher than her chances of going on a date with Hope ever again. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I want to know your genuine answer.”

“I- I wasn’t even going to ask you that, you know how I say stuff and-”

“Don’t excuse your curiosity with _that_ argument.”

“But I do say dumb stuff and then I-”

“We all say dumb shit.”

“Not you.”

“Comparison is unfair to both of us,” said Hope. As if Amy wasn’t aware of it but her mouth still vented all that it found on the Dumb Shelf in her mind. She didn’t even mean half the things she said, but there seemed to be no take backs. Hope continued, “while it also points at insecurity. It raises the question if you’re insecure in general or do only _I_ make you feel that way?”

Was Hope right? Was she insecure? In general, she wasn’t… at least in her opinion. Had she doubts? Of course. But who doesn’t? It wasn’t even about belittling herself in favor of making others feel better about themselves, it was more about her inability to give proper compliments. But even though Amy knew herself and she was fully able to rationalize her feelings and thoughts, she still couldn’t act on those rational parts. And she still ended up saying dumb stuff she didn’t mean and her intentions ended up being misunderstood. She didn’t want Hope to think _she_ made her feel less or diffident or hesitant in any way. 

“Alright,” Amy said softly, “I did want to know if I’m the first date to see this place. Nonetheless, in retrospect, I do realize it was an unfair assumption on my part .”

“I used to go there with my brother,” there was sadness hidden behind Hope’s words.

“Does he still live with you and your parents? Or somewhere in the city?” 

“He’s serving in the army. Afghanistan.”

“How long?”

“Been two years.”

“How do your parents bear with it?”

“I feel like they wouldn’t care if one day there was a letter that he died.”

“Why'd think that?”

“It’s complicated. They never got along.”

“But the two of you.”

“We’re good.”

“Have you spoken to him lately?”

“Yeah, three months ago,” Hope smiled nostalgically. The last thing Amy expected was Hope being so confidential. 

“Well, I’m here if you ever want to talk more about… you know, all that,” Amy wanted Hope to know she was there for the girl. Sure, earning Hope’s trust was going to be about more than telling her she could trust her. 

Amy’s mind kept going back to what Hope said about insecurity and how she was curious if it was her personally who made Amy feel insecure. 

“What about you? How did your parents take your revelation of preferences?” Hope referred to Amy’s recent coming out of the closet. 

“It’s not _you_ … my- my insecurity, I mean,” ignoring Hope’s question about how her parents were dealing with her coming out, Amy brought the conversation back to what she wanted to ignore, but decided not to in the end, “frankly, you’ve intimidated me since freshman year, like fucking intimidated, dude. You were so tall and also mean, but I also knew you were smart, like, life-smart, and it made me think I would never be that. But I can’t let you think you make me insecure, because it’s not true. I feel like deep down you make me want to more cool, not because I don’t feel confident about myself, but because you’re a truly, sincerely, fucking dope person.”

Amy kept her eyes on the road during her whole monologue, only after she’d finished did she look at the girl sitting by her side. Hope was side-eying Amy, with a smirk on her face.  


“And honestly?” Amy added, “in the future, please, call me out on my shit.”

“Will do, nerd.”

“Should we get food before we get there?” 

“I think there will be food,” Hope answered confidently. 

“ _Hope_?”

“Mm?” 

“Where are we going?” 

“You’ll see,” Hope winked at Amy, who was nowhere nearer to finding out about the super secret location Hope was navigating them to. 

For the rest of the ride, the two girls talked about music and books. Once they got to the beach, Amy parked her car next to a dozen other fancy ones. Amy was still clueless as to where exactly were they. It looked like a party. Or….

“Jesus Christ! A wedding?!” 

Hope couldn’t help but giggle at Amy’s reaction. She then asked while enjoying Amy freaking out, “are you hungry or not?” 

“A little, but do we even know these people? Do _you_ know them? Because _I_ sure don’t,” Amy raged. 

“No,” Hope retorted. Amy awaited more words coming from the taller girl, but that was it, that was Hope’s answer. Since the main entrance was closed, she took Amy’s hand and walked them to some nearby bushes. 

“Fuck, dude! Are you seriously making me sneak into a wedding reception?” 

“There are about two hundred people, they come and go. Nobody’s going to notice.”  
Without giving Amy a notice, Hope pulled the girl with her through the bushes and right into the middle of the reception. 

Hope was right, Amy hadn’t seen such a crowd at a wedding before. Amy wondered if that was the place Hope and her brother used to go to or if it was only a small detour to get free food. There was a podium near the shore, a person with a raspy voice was singing some jazz. Everyone seemed kind of busy with talking to one another, so Amy and Hope didn’t even have to be sneaking around. They simply walked over to the tables stocked with food. Hope got both of them a plate. Once those were full of food, the two of them found a free table and sat down. 

“Do you do this often? Sneak into wedding receptions to get free food?” 

“No, this is my first time.”

“How did you know there was a wedding happening then?” 

“There’s one happening here almost every day.”

Despite visibly going unnoticed by whoever the wedding was for, Amy had the feeling that somebody would soon realize the two of them were not on the guest list. Hope noticed her alertness.

“Are you alright?” 

“Hm?” Amy was ripped away from vigilantly scanning everything in a radius of ten feet. 

“Nobody’s going to bust us. Look at them,” Hope turned her head at the crowd, “they’re way too busy chatting about things neither side is actually interested in, but since it’s a wedding and everything is sunshine and butterflies, _literally_ ,” Hope looked down at the white tablecloth decorated with colorful butterflies. 

“How are you so sure? How are you so calm? How do you know?”

Hope rolled her eyes, “when I was eleven, we went to my cousin’s wedding and long story short, I learned two girls from Greece, who were on a vacation here, snuck in there and nobody realized. They had no idea who we were, barely spoke the language.”  
Amy raised her brows doubtfully. 

Hope grabbed her phone which was sitting on the table next to her plate and checked the time. “They'll be cutting the cake soon and then the big finale of their night is coming. For that, we’ll want to move to a different spot.”

“What finale?” 

“What do you think?” 

It took Amy a second to connect the dots, _“ooh_ ,” she said in realization. 

“For being a nerd, it does take time for things to get to you.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Good luck shutting me up me next time,” Hope teased Amy. It amazed her how quickly Hope could go from intimidating to soft to dirty minded. The hunger in Hope’s eyes made Amy blush and look away in embarrassment. 

They successfully left the reception and headed down to the beach, walked for about ten minutes. With each step, the rocks kept growing until they reached a zone with rocks almost eight feet tall. Hope guided them to one which was shaped like an oversized bench.  
As Amy was absorbing the sight of the place, the sun’s last inches peeking above the horizon hid for the next day. “So this is that infamous place of yours?”

“Mm-hmm,” Hope became dejected as she was gazing somewhere to the distant horizon of the ocean. Amy found the right rocks underneath her feet and stepped to Hope. Thanks to the uneven ground beneath them, she was now the same height as the taller girl. Amy took Hope’s hand and intertwined their fingers, her thumb drew small circles on the back of Hope’s hand. 

Amy was going for the cute cinematic shot, wanted to rest her head on Hope’s shoulder, but her calculations betrayed her. She lost her balance, ended up being caught by Hope and having both of them lower to their knees to prevent them from actually falling onto the rocks. Once close enough to the ground, they both sat down. Amy ended up comfortably in Hope’s lap while supporting herself with her hands. 

“Did you fall asleep?” Hope asked jokingly.

“No. No. I- was trying… something.”

“To die?” Hope said holding back her laughter. 

“Not quite.”

Hope leaned in and soon a touch of their lips reminded both girls of the delights of kissing the other. In the exact moment their lips connected, the blast of the first fireworks echoed in the background, lighting the dark sky up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, you thought you’d find out what happened, didn’t ya? Well, sorry loves. We’ll get there though, just be patient.


	7. Been wondering if your heart's still open

_Present day_  
Despite her mixed feelings, Amy was hoping to catch a sight of Hope somewhere. The backyard wasn’t too overcrowded anymore, but there were still enough people to hide if you didn’t want to be seen. 

Finally, Amy spotted Hope or at least she recognized her from behind, remembering the black tank top and dark grey miniskirt she saw the girl was wearing when they ran into each other.

Amy turned to Molly, “I should talk to her.”

“Are you sure?” 

“I have to know if she’s okay.”

“She seems okay to me,” Molly raised a brow when she saw Hope laughing with their peers on the other side of the pool. 

“I thought I was clear about her part in all of it.”

“It takes two to tango, Amy. It takes two.”

“You should be judging _me_.”

“Oh, I’m judging you.. I’m judging you for wanting to talk to her.”

“If I don’t talk to her, it’ll eat me up.”

“Does _she_ want to talk to _you_?”

Amy remembered how in the cemetery she’d broached New York, but then couldn’t figure out what to say or ask. But Hope didn’t try to elaborate either. It was either still too hurtful for the girl or she was completely over it or there was something still going on with her, which would have backed Annabelle’s observation of Hope. Amy feared it was the latter of the three. 

Something else bugged Amy as well. Since New York happened such a long time ago in the past and she did have to admit there had been nights she couldn’t recall, she feared there was something specific, something particular she did or said which hurt Hope. Hurt so much that it overshadowed everything else. And Amy must’ve not had a memory of it of which Hope might be aware, but knows it might hurt Amy. Then again, why wouldn’t Hope want Amy to suffer? Amy couldn’t help but think that Hope still had feelings for her. Uppish, but she couldn’t think of any other reason. 

“Not sure.”

“If she wants to talk, she’ll come around.”

“What if she doesn’t?”

“Then don’t push it. I mean, she _does_ have a reason to not want to talk to you.” 

“I- you don’t get it.”

“I do. You’re still in love with her. Tha-”

“I’m not-”

“Let me finish, love. You have feelings for her, yes. You always will. You’re always going to care about her. But if I were you, I would try to see things from her point of view and then decide. Would I want to talk to me? Would I still have feelings for somebody, whom I might or might not blame for ruining my life?”

“That’s harsh,” Amy was hurt by what Molly had to say about it, “we’ve talked since then, okay?”

“Really? Did she have something to say about New York?” 

“No.”

“Did she address anything from the past?”

“No.”

“And was she being nice?”

“Yes, she was actually.”

“Would you be nice to yourself?” 

“No,” Amy admitted.

“It’s an act, Amy. Maybe what went down in New York did something to her.”

“Then I should know about it.”

“Why? There's nothing you can do. How do you want to help her?” 

“I don’t know. By not leaving like the last time? By talking to her maybe? I prefer communication.”

“Tell me, where were you hiding this skill for all those years when you were lying to me?” 

“What- are you mad at me now? Because the other day you said we were fine.”

“No. I’m not. I just don’t understand you.”

Amy scoffed. _Well, Molly, I don’t understand me either_. Amy slipped back to her previous thoughts concerning Hope. What if Molly was right and Hope was still down at rock bottom? And for some reason, she didn’t want Amy to know. Maybe to protect her? But then that would’ve meant Hope still cared. Would it? 

“I’m leaving.”

“I’ll come with you.”

“Don’t. I’ll walk. You have fun.”

And with that Amy left Annabelle’s house and walked outside, right into the night of LA’s streets. 

Maybe Amy overthought everything. What if she just knocked on Hope’s door and asked her all the questions flowing in the air above her like a hammer swinging on a thread. Maybe it was as simple as that. Go and talk. The very first things you learn growing up. So what if what Hope had to say was going to be hard to hear. _Boo hoo, Amy, you don’t know the first thing about suffering_. And there were tears in Amy’s eyes when she dared to think about what Hope had to go through. And just like that Amy would keep adding locks on the door of the mental cage she’d put her mind into; by going through the events of the past. Each time her memories would escalate to more and more drastic images. In Amy’s case, the passing of time did not bring solace to her, it made things in her head seem worse. It made the pictures come in darker shades, the weight of her actions got heavier. 

The movie theatre she was passing by was advertising its upcoming festival focusing on the French New Wave of the 50s and 60s. Amy stepped closer to see the schedule of the screenings. Amongst all the movies, only one of them stood out, only one did she recognize. The movie Hope made her watch back in high school… 

 

 _Sophomore year_  
“I still can’t believe you and Hope are a thing.”

“Can you be just a _little_ louder, let the whole school know.”

“Amy, it’s been five weeks and two days." 

"That's frighteningly punctual," Amy couldn't believe Molly would be counting the days. Molly leaned closer and whispered, “people _know_.”

“Nobody knows. Nor do Hope’s parents and they certainly can't find out from strangers.”

“How is it possible that she can be such a-” Molly shut up when Amy gave her a disapproving look knowing fully well what her best friend was going to say, “at school, but she can’t find the courage to come out to her parents?”

“I’m going to ignore everything you’ve just said and pretend my best friend knows better than this.”

“I’m sorry. But I just really want to see you guys holding hands,” Molly’s voice softened with her last words, “and be cute together.”

“Your expectations for the future are _un_ realistic.”

“Why?”

“I hate PDA… it’s not happening until she comes out.”

“Mmm, which she _will_ ," the irony in Molly’s voice irritated Amy. 

“Do not use that tone talking about my girlfriend,” Amy defended Hope, “besides, she’s still figuring things out.”

“Figuring things out? Like what?” Even though Molly was happy for Amy, she had a few doubts Hope’s intentions with Amy were genuine. 

“Like who she is,” Amy was referring to Hope not being completely sure about her sexuality. They had a few conversations about it, to Amy’s surprise, Hope was really open about it. 

“And for that, she’s using _you_ t-”

“Stop. We’re not having this conversation again. I expected more understanding from you.”

“I’m just trying to explain to you ho-”

“You don’t know her like I do, your arguments are invalid.”

“Not if you actually considered them.”

“Don’t push it… or I won’t tell you what Hope and I did when she stayed over at my house last night.”

Molly looked impressed, “you mean to tell me Doug and Charmaine let the two of you be in your room… by yourselves… in your room… _all night_.”

“Well… yeah… we had to have the door open.”

“ _Obviously_.” 

“Yeah.”

Molly whisperingly asked, “so what did you do?” 

Before Amy could answer, the two girls were spoken to by a figure appearing next to them. 

“Have you seen Jared?” Asked Gigi. 

Amy and Molly looked at each other cluelessly. “No.”

“We’re playing hide and seek. He hid like a week ago. I can’t find him anywhere.”

“Try looking where you know he would never go,” advised Amy.

“You’re a genius… look, there comes your girlfriend,” Gigi shifted the attention to Hope, who was approaching them.

Amy panicked, “wha-my, uh, no she-”

“They might have covered my third eye, but I’m not blind. Remember? I told you your future looked hopeful.”

“ _Amy_?” Molly was confused. 

“We’re not a- we’re-,” Amy was trying hard to deny her relationship with Hope. 

“Hey, nerd,” finally Hope got to them, “got a minute?”

“Oh,” Molly spoke up for her best friend, “Amy has all the minutes for you.”

“Dude,” Amy shook her head.

Molly smiled creepily.

Amy looked at Hope and saw the girl trying really hard not to leave a comment about Molly’s weird behavior. Amy took initiative and started walking away from her best friend and Gigi, towards the school’s main entrance, Hope followed right behind her. 

“They’re so cute,” said Gigi tediously, “it makes me want to die.”

“Word.”

Amy and Hope walked around the school’s building. 

“Listen, can I stay over tonight? _Again_?” Hope looked down in shame. Amy wanted to cuddle her, but since being in public at school, she had to restrain herself from doing so. 

“Of course,” Amy reassured her girlfriend that staying over at her house was not at all being intrusive, which was how Amy assumed Hope felt like. The girls finally walked around the running tracks, right behind the little maintenance building next to it. There Amy was finally able to take Hope’s hand. She squeezed it hard. Hope pulled Amy closer and pecked her on the forehead, then they wrapped their arms around each other and stayed like that for a long minute. 

“Did something happen at home?”

“Sure your parents won’t mind?” Hope answered with a question, which indicated an obvious need to avoid certain topics in discussion. Amy never pressured Hope into talking, because in the end the girl always talked about her feelings or whatever was going on. They both let the other have space and were there when the other was ready to talk. The thing about Hope was - as Amy learned in that short period of them dating - she didn’t waste words. Not in the _“I’m not doing small-talk because it’s too basic for me”_ kind of way, but more of an _“I’m not going to talk about the issues and problems in my life because they won’t matter in a few days anyway”_ kind of way. Which resulted in Hope bottling her feelings and thoughts up. She practiced this even when those things were serious and were surely going to affect her future in some sort of way. 

Somehow, Amy was lucky enough to be one of the people Hope confided in. It was mutual actually and Molly wasn’t the only person Amy shared everything with anymore.

“I’m sure… but be ready for more of my dad’s awkward stories over dinner, because that is what’s happening once I tell them you’re coming over.”

Hope giggled. “We should go back.”

“We should,” Amy agreed, but neither of them actually moved. 

*

After school, Amy and Molly were in Amy’s car, parked just a bit outside of school, waiting for Hope. 

“Two nights in three days… I’m getting a little jealous over here.”

“You can come over tomorrow, I promise.”

“Or I could come over today. I could watch you guys.”

“You just did _not_ say that.”

“I can’t believe you guys haven’t fucked yet.”

“Could you say that any nicer?” Amy couldn’t believe her best friend was strangling the life out of the fact that she and Hope haven’t gone all sexy on each other yet. And Molly was getting more and more raw about the topic each time she brought it up. 

“There must’ve been some sort of touching involved,” Molly tried to squeeze as much out of her best friend as possible. 

“You know, maybe you _should_ come over tonight, so you can see nothing happening with your own eyes.”

“Do you want to taste her lady parts?” 

“Ugh, s-sure, yeah… eventually.”

“Does _she_ wants to taste yours?” 

“I… I guess, I don’t know...”

“Wait, you haven’t talked about it?” 

“Yeah we have, we just need to check our calendars and then pick a date that suits the both of us.”

“I can’t tell if you’re being serious or mocking this crucial conversation… you really haven’t talked about it?”

“We haven’t _not_ talked about it… we just… don’t do certain things. Besides, we haven’t even dated for that long.”

“Only five weeks and two days.”

“That’s relative to how one perceives time… so it actually isn’t that long.”

“You need to have the talk. Communication is key to a healthy relationship.”

“ _Really_?”

“Yeah.”

“Right, we, we will… soon.”

“Seriously, neither of you have even pitched the slightest idea of exploring each other in a physical way while _passionately_ making out on your bed?” 

“Now you’re making sex sound like an adventure.”

“Your birthday is coming up, maybe she could give you a lap dance.”

“A lap- okay, when she gets in the car, please just-”

“Why? What is this really about?”

“I just- I have never done it and I’m going to fuck it up.”

“News flash: the first time usually sucks.”

“Can we not dissect my non-existent sex life?” 

“Okay,” Molly smiled cunningly, which Amy knew wasn’t good, “just promise me you’ll talk to her about it. I mean, you say how you two can discuss anything. Why avoid talking about this?” 

“Fine, fine, I will. Can we drop it?” Amy and Hope had not talked about sex yet. Sex was not something to take lightly. It was about trust and being vulnerable. The latter Amy had the bigger issue with. And having her first time before her was making it worse. 

A knock on the back window from Molly’s side interrupted them. Shortly the car door opened and Hope sat in. 

“Hi,” Hope said to Amy softly, then turned to Molly and greeted her too, but with less glimmer in her eyes. Molly was in awe how mellow Hope got around Amy. 

Everyone was silent during the ride. Molly, not being able to contain it anymore, spoke up, “did you guys get an invite to Nick’s party?” 

“Did _you_?” Hope asked.

“No, that’s why I’m asking you.”

“I don’t think an invitation matters anyways. You can just go and be lost among all the strangers without an invitation. Nobody cares.”

“Amy?”

“No.”

“I can’t go alone.”

“Yes, you can.”

“Please.”

“I can think of many, _many_ better things to do on a Friday night.”

“Like what?” Asked Molly, to which Amy looked into the rearview mirror. In it was the image of Hope smirking, which made Amy bite her lower lip. 

“Anything other than being around blasting music and a bunch of strangers gone berserk because it’s Friday. There’s a Friday every week. Nothing special.”

“But you can meet new people.”

“I think I can wait till college with that.”

“Hope?” Molly tried luck with the girl sitting in the back.

“Not sure.”

“Thank you,” Molly was satisfied with Hope’s answer.

“It doesn’t actually mean anything. I probably won’t go.”

“But you’re not sure yet, so you might decide to go.”

“Is she always like this?” Hope turned to Amy. 

Amy was softly moving her head left and right, “yeah.”

Soon, they stopped in front of Molly’s home. Before leaving the car she turned to Hope, “Hope, could you please come and sit next to Amy. I can’t let my best friend die in a car crash just because you two were eye fucking through the rearview mirror. And before you ask, yes, I could see the whole thing.”

“Goodbye, Molly,” Amy said stridently, luckily Molly was halfway out of the car. She waited for Hope to move to the passenger’s seat, then with a mad smile on her face, she waved as the car was leaving. 

“Remind me not to get a ride with you, when she’s coming too,” Hope complained. 

“Come on, she’s awesome… when you get used to her.”

“Remind me _not_ to get used to her.”

When they got to Amy’s house, Amy was a little on the edge, because of her parents who knew exactly how to embarrass her each time Hope came over. Of course, she kept explaining herself to Hope and excusing her parents’ crazy talk. Hope on the other side kept assuring Amy that her parents were cool and she had no reason to worry.  
Weirdly, when Amy let themselves inside the house, nobody greeted them. No sounds from the kitchen or the living room. One of them always used to be at home at that time of the day. 

“Did you tell them I’m coming over?” 

“I texted them,” Amy grabbed her phone to see if there wasn’t a reply or a missed call, “ _oh_.”

“What?”

“The text… it, um, didn’t go through?” 

“Then maybe I should just-”

“Stay, yes, I think so too,” Amy had the idea to use the time while they had the house only to themselves until it lasted. “I’m sending the text right now, okay? Look,” she shoved her phone into Hope’s face. When the taller girl still wasn’t too convinced, Amy kissed her. A response to her text came from her dad almost immediately. “See? They’re glad you’re here. My dad got caught up at work and my mom had her book club delayed to four so,” Amy started smiling.

“So?” 

“They won’t be back till five-ish.”

“Mm-hmm,” Hope dropped her backpack onto the floor. She leaned down and made them lose themselves in a deep kiss, from which it’s so hard to come back to your senses. After those, Amy usually asked herself what were they even waiting for. Because she wanted more, she wanted all of Hope. Only when they went upstairs into her room, when she had Hope pinned down on the bed, did Amy realize just how real things were. Was Molly right? Was it time? Were they supposed to talk about it before? Go through strategies? Or were they supposed to leave it to the free flow of things? 

Amy suddenly broke their kiss, sat up atop of Hope, whose hands had a firm grip on 

Amy’s waist. They were both panting a little. 

“How- how do we do this?” Amy asked. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Is this leading to where I think it is?”

“Do you _want_ to go there?”

“I’m… it’s been a while since we’re a thing, so I guess…”

“It doesn’t mean anything if we’re not ready.”

“Yeah, I know, I just thought you wanted to.”

“Oh, you thought I came over for that?” Hope smirked and pulled a flash drive out of her front pocket, “I came over to make you watch this.”

“Is this payback for me making you watch that documentary about the polar bears?”

“No, this is me showing you some fine cinema.” 

“Okay, I’ll just,” Amy took the flash drive out of Hope’s hands and threw it somewhere behind them. She started lowering down to Hope’s lips. It took them another thirty minutes to finally keep hands off of each other (and an additional ten minutes to find the flash drive Amy threw away) to be able to put the movie on. Amy closed the blinds and cuddled next to Hope sitting on the bed. 

“Ascen-” Amy failed to read the title of the movie, “just an FYI, I don’t speak French.”

“It’s called _Ascenseur pour l'échafaud_ or _Elevator to the Gallows_ if you please,” Hope’s French had Amy weak in her knees.

“Damn,” said Amy in awe.

“What?” 

“Just when I thought there is nothing that could make you any hotter, you prove me wrong.”

“I don’t speak French, I only know how to read stuff.”

“Yup, still hot.”

 

 _Present day_  
Amy walked past a long line of people waiting to get into a club. For instance, she thought she might just stand in line, get inside the club and forget about the world just till the morning came. The idea then reminded her of how fast that could make her spiral down a rabbit hole. 

So she continued walking to an unknown destination. She didn’t want to sit by herself in Molly’s room. She also didn’t wish to go back to the party. 

As if a higher deity heard the secret calls of her heart, Amy sensed a car was slowing down next to her. Her first instinct told her to start walking faster, to štart running, eventually, but all her worries were soon forgotten. The person driving the car spoke to her and Amy realized, the voice was a familiar one. 

“What are the odds?” Hope spoke the exact same words Amy had in mind when she recognized Hope as the driver of the car. “Where are you headed to?”

Amy shrugged, “nowhere in particular,” she looked up at the tall buildings growing out from the ground on the other side of the street. 

“I’m staying at a hotel nearby. I wouldn’t mind some company."

Looking into Hope’s eyes sooner or later was inevitable. And so the minute Amy stopped controlling herself was the minute every single emotion she was holding back returned, piercing through her chest like a sword’s blade.


	8. Do I wanna know?

_Present day_  
Hope didn’t say a word while in the car. Amy said nothing either, she was too tired. Tired from the walking, tired of having to think. Why, she didn’t know why she went with Hope. She hated to admit the reason anyway. Amy couldn’t decide if she wanted to learn if, after all the years, Hope still had feelings for her. 

What exactly was she expecting from the girl? Sit down, hold hands and talk about the good ol’ times? Talk with only words sincere? She expected so much. But that was on her. Hope was not indebted to her. Hope owed nobody for her own actions but herself explanations. So no, Amy mustn’t have had expectations. Expectations for answers. Expectations for honesty. Expectations for efforts to fix things. Sure, there were things unable to be mended. And maybe those things were exactly what bugged Amy. In the end, in all honesty, Amy couldn’t have been more indifferent about where she was or how where the night would go. She was indifferent, though there were moments of fear of her apathy. It had too much of a familiar taste. She was indifferent, yet she still believed she would receive a consolation of some kind. 

Amy had to admit. Those twenty seconds in the elevator were such temptation. She wanted to turn to Hope and kiss her. Maybe a kiss from the tall woman would’ve made her feel better. She held herself back, not knowing if Hope wanted the same. Hope inviting her over to her hotel room didn’t mean anything. Amy still wondered, how many people had Hope been with? How many people did Hope mean it with? Did she ever love Amy? 

Amy kept herself so busy seeking Hope’s affection, she was able to ignore her own feelings. She spent too many nights thinking where Hope could’ve been. Too many nights did Amy think about kissing the taller woman, having her close. She had let so many people pass her by. People who meant only the best for her. People who cared about her. But she lived in a bubble, gave the memory of tasting the sweetness of Hope too much power. 

Once in the room, Hope switched on the small lights standing by the head of each side of the bed, gave the room an intimate vibe. 

“A drink?” Hope asked as she walked to the cabinet. 

“Sure.”

Amy made her way to the opposite end of the room. The view was quite something. She couldn’t tell if she had ever seen the city from the twentieth floor. Probably not. Hope approached her, stepped next to her and handed her a glass barely filled to its one third. 

“Remember,” Hope spoke after her throat soothed from the sip of the burning beverage, “when we went on a field trip at the end of sophomore year? The one where Tanner broke his leg?” 

“Was it Seattle?” Although Amy did remember that field trip, Tanner’s injury wasn’t the reason it stuck with her. 

“I still can’t believe how we got away with sneaking out and hanging out on that golf course.”

“Yeah,” Amy agreed, then added, “and it wasn’t even like, a few people, it was the whole class.”

“Right?” 

They both smiled at that speckled memory coming back to them. Then Amy let out a giggle, “I wonder though, what if Miss Fine sneaked out too?”

“No way,” Hope chuckled at the idea. 

Amy drank up. A drop of liquid escaped the corner of her lips. Her hand, reaching up to her face, was stopped by Hope. The taller woman leaned down. It became harder and harder with each breath Amy took, to contain herself as Hope slowly closed the gap between them. Amy closed her eyes; it was torture to feel Hope’s lips on her chin. It was torture because it was her own lips she wanted to have her on. 

When Amy reopened her eyes, she was gazing right into Hope’s. Why was she holding back? Why, even after this, did she subdue her desire?

Hope took another sip from her glass, “I think I liked better the one I took from my dad before finals’ week.”

“For educational purposes only,” Amy remembered what Hope said when she turned up with that bottle at Nick’s aunt’s house, where she, Amy, Molly, Annabelle, Nick, and Tanner spent most of the week before finals in junior year. 

Hope leaned against the window she had so close to her back, “feels like nothing has changed.”

_Too much has changed, Hope. Can’t you see?_ Amy was confused. Was Hope in denial of the things from the past? Was Amy crazy? Did those things never happen? Did she imagine it all?

“How so?” 

“Do you remember how long did our kiss last?” 

Amy scowled. 

“On New Year’s Eve. When Roi, Tanner’s sister, made that bet that we couldn’t break the record she and her boyfriend held.”

“That night brought up way too many red flags. How could we let them watch us kiss for almost five minutes?”

“Was it five minutes?” 

“Four and forty-six seconds,” Amy was surprised at how well she’d remembered that detail. 

“How long do you think we could last now that nobody’s watching? Five, six minutes?” Hope pondered and Amy was speechless. 

“Ho-how long do y-you think?” 

Hope stretched her arm out and took a firm grip of Amy’s hip, pulled the shorter woman closer, Amy had her leg in between Hope’s. Her heart was pounding. Yes, it had been, for she wouldn’t have been alive. But it was _beating_. It was making her feel things. Her body was actually responding to another person’s intimacy. She didn’t have to pretend to be interested in the person. She didn’t have to question whether she wanted to be in the situation or not. Because she wanted to. So much. 

Still, Amy tried to keep some distance between them, so she leaned her upper body a little backward. Something made her resist. Because each time she looked into Hope’s eyes, she remembered the toll she’d been carrying around, lugging with her everywhere she went. She was convinced talking to Hope would help. But Hope’s interest seemed to be somewhere else. 

_Do you really want to ruin the moment?_ Amy was indecisive whether she should lay all her cards out on the table, force Hope into a conversation the taller woman was avoiding so badly, or should she add some more to that guilt-mound she’d been piling up all those years and give in, let the unsaid desires be fulfilled. Truth be told, there was still the chance of tomorrow for demolishing of one’s illusions…


	9. Incapable of makin' alright decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The heat of the summer has been unbearable and I can barely even think, so, sorry for the short chapters. (:

_Present day_  
Amy was taking too much time. She was well aware of it. But how was she not supposed to? Maybe had she not cared, it would’ve been easier to just give in and tear each other’s clothes off. 

But Amy cared. Too much. Cared, though not about what she was supposed to care about at that moment. She cared about Hope talking to her. Cared about talking to the taller woman even though Amy knew, talking was the last thing Hope wanted to use her mouth for. She cared about how Hope was going to act like when they woke up in the morning. Would Amy even stay for the whole night? Would she be given her answers if Hope received what she called Amy over for? Was it appropriate if Amy drafted a few questions concerning New York, like _‘hey, how did you enjoy your stay at the hospital’_ , right after they’d both came off their high? Probably not. There was no right question to ask, no right way to start the conversation. And it scared Amy. She was ready to burst into tears any second. One, because she wanted to scream at Hope how sorry she was and two, because having Hope so close after such a long time felt so heavenly, so sublime. 

Amy reached her free hand out, cupped Hope’s jaw in her palm, her ring and little finger tucked under Hope’s ear, “I should’ve never left New York.”

Amy’s words were met with a quick change of mood and hostility from Hope. Her body stiffened, she removed her hand away from Amy. In fact, she slipped out of the position they had been in. Amy watched Hope drink most of the liquor out of her glass, then walk to the cabinet and refill the object. Hope remained standing by the cabinet.

Was it wrong for Amy to try to force Hope into talking? “Hope.”

“ _What_ , Amy?” Hope asked impatiently. 

“I need to know,” Amy trailed off. _What do you need to know, Amy?_ Oh, right, Amy knew what she wanted to find out. But when it came to saying the words out loud, she froze. What a pity, for the girl so eager to talk, couldn’t speak all of a sudden. 

“Why is everything so difficult with you?” 

It sounded as if Hope was reproaching something to Amy, “what does that suppose to mean?” 

“You’re terrorizing me into a conversation I don’t want to have.”

Amy started slowly walking Hope’s way, “I care about you and I need to know if you’re okay.”

Amy couldn’t tell if Hope was comfortable having her close at the moment. She changed direction and stepped to the back of the couch opposite to the cabinet. Amy rested against the back of the piece of furniture. 

“You wouldn’t push it if you really cared.”

After she finished her drink, Amy handed her glass to Hope, who let both glasses sit on the cabinet. Soon the taller woman was standing opposite to Amy. Her hands easily found their way to Amy’s hips. She pushed the hem of Amy’s shirt up and her hands grasped the bare skin underneath it. Hope then proceeded to pick Amy up and sit her on top of the couch’s back. Hope rested her forehead against Amy’s. 

Elation filled every inch of Amy. For a moment, Amy forgot every concern she’d had. One touch could make it go away. Now that she had dipped the tip of her tongue into the powder of oblivion and tasted its sweetness, Amy desired more. 

“Why are we doing this?” She pinned the question. 

“Because we want to.”

Every other second one of them cautiously started closing the gap between them, their lips almost touching, but both of them enjoyed teasing the other (and themselves). “I don’t know if I can, Hope,” Amy slipped one hand under Hope’s shirt. 

“I know you do,” Hope removed her forehead and moved her mouth to Amy’s ear, whispered, “you’re just holding yourself back,” then stepped away from Amy, while adding a cheeky comment, “as you’ve always done.” There was an unpleasant shade in Hope’s tone, a tone Amy recalled as the one Hope used so often during high school before they’d started dating. This cocky, cynical tone. 

Amy looked all perplexed and frustrated. She hopped off the couch, while Hope backed away until her back hit the side of the cabinet. 

“You could at least pretend to know what I’m talking about.”

“I don’t… I’m not going to _pretend_.”

“You must remember how much fun you missed out on because of… I don’t even know why actually.”

“What, what is this about, hm? I did stuff, okay? Fun stuff."

“Coming from your own initiative?”

“Yes.”

“Like what?” 

“I, stuff. I’m not going to play along just so _you_ can prove some dumb point.”

“If I remember correctly, you didn’t really do shit until, when was it, oh wait, wasn’t it senior year, when we broke up before fucking graduation because of your sudden enlightenment in taking initiative?”

“I can’t believe you’re bringing this up,” Amy grew a little more frustrated as if they didn’t talk about it six years ago when they reunited. Although Amy knew Hope was only teasing her to get to her, it was still working. Talking about how she didn’t tell Hope about leaving for over six months, and even ditching graduation for it and taking her final exams earlier, for an internship in England, reminded Amy just how far into the past did her hurting Hope’s feelings reach. 

“One of us has to.”

“Why? How exactly does this satisfy you? Examining the past, hm?"

"Why does it satisfy _you_?"

"I’m sorry for how it ended. But you’re not right about me not being able to pursue anything. Yeah, maybe sometimes I stop myself from doing certain things, even when I’m dying to do them because I’m simply not ready to face reality. But I did things in high school, I did things after high school, and… I did things in New York,” Amy’s voice lowered at the last words. _Oh, Amy_. 

Hope scoffed, “so you _do_ things.”

“Yeah.”

“Do it then. Don’t hold back. Kiss me.”

“I’m sorry?"

“Come here and kiss me.”


	10. Call off the search for your soul

_LA, 4 years after high school graduation_  
Amy had been on the phone with Molly for the past four hours or so. At one point they stopped talking. Only when Amy boarded the airplane did they hang up, leaving Amy with her thoughts all by herself. During the whole flight, she was in great uncertainty concerning the well being of her parents. The lady on the phone, calling from the hospital, told Amy her parents were in the ICU. The further information about how bad of a condition they had been brought into the ER added to Amy’s worries. All she could think of was the worst: that she was going to be late once she landed in LA. At one point, she couldn’t hold her tears back and cried on the shoulder of a kind old lady sitting next to her. At least talking to the lady about her current situation helped her calm down a little. 

Once her plane landed Amy caught a cab and called Molly. Her best friend couldn’t tell for certain when was she able to fly to LA, for a work thing was holding her in Washington. Every three minutes she would promise she’d catch a flight as soon as possible. 

It took about an hour for Amy to arrive at the hospital. She didn’t really have much with her, for after finding out what happened she couldn’t pack but a backpack of things and immediately head to the airport. 

Amy headed to the reception desk and nervously stuttered out whom she came to seek information about. 

“A moment, please.”

Amy expected the lady to tell her the worst. That her parents… she couldn’t even think the words in her head. She couldn’t imagine writing them down in her own mind. The lady picked up the phone and started talking to somebody. Soon a nurse walked to the sitting lady and after a few exchanged words, she walked out from behind the reception desk and sat Amy down.

“No, no, no, no, it, no, I, it,” the world started spinning, she was trembling. She couldn’t tell when or who brought her a glass of water, but suddenly she found herself holding one. The nurse who’d announced the death of her mother was kneeling in front of her, trying to bring her mind back so they could talk some more. As if there was a point in talking anymore. Her mom was gone and her father’s fate was still in the hands of the doctors. 

The nurse suggested she’d walk Amy to the ER, that she could wait there. As they entered the elevator, as the doors were slowly closing, when Amy brought her sight up, she thought she spotted a familiar face. _Hope_. Even after all those years, she could spot the woman anywhere. Just before the doors closed, the taller woman standing near the reception desk turned her head to the elevator and for that quick second she locked eyes with Amy, it seemed as though Hope recognized her too. 

Amy waited for about two more hours, constantly on and off the phone with Molly, who was just as devastated to hear about the sad news. 

“I should-” Amy was interrupted mid-sentence by a nurse walking up to her, “Molly, Molly,” she repeated her best friend’s name, as the phone slowly lowered from her ear. She didn’t need the nurse to say anything, the look in her eyes gave away just enough for Amy to _know_. That was it. She had nobody left. A relative here and there, sure, but she was _alone_. 

Molly’s calls of Amy’s name were audible from the other side of the line, for she had no idea what was going on. Amy quietly wept in the phone. Molly told Amy she was getting on the first plane there was and would be there the next morning at the latest. Both of them in tears, Molly was trying to calm Amy down, persuade her not to go home by herself, but to go to Molly’s house. Amy hung up promising that was what she’d do. 

At first, Amy was even unable to stand up. She remained sitting in a vacant ER hallway. She sat there for half an hour. Then she headed to the elevator and pressed the button to call it. 

Relief and a slight drop of her jaw. That was her initial reaction to seeing Hope standing opposite from her when the elevator doors opened. Was it a coincidence? Was it destiny? Were they supposed to meet again? But why under these circumstances? Well, maybe it was both a coincidence and destiny, that Hope happened to be at that exact hospital at the right time. In the end, it didn’t matter. Hope stepped out of the elevator and spread her arms, had Amy wrapped in a tight hug. 

*  
*

Amy was glad she didn’t have to go through the formalities at the hospital all by herself. Hope stayed with her the whole time; was Amy’s eyes and ears in moments when her emotions overwhelmed her. 

Once everything at the hospital was resolved, Hope offered to drive Amy to Molly’s house. 

“There’s tissues in my purse, hold on,” Hope reached into the backseat and grabbed a pack of tissues. 

“Thanks.”

“When’s Molly arriving?” 

“She sent me a text that the soonest flight she was able to grab a seat on would take off tomorrow at 4am,” Amy sniffled softly after every third word. 

“I could pick her up if she needed a ride,” Hope offered. 

“It’s, it’s okay.”

“Just text me, okay? Are you sure you’ll be okay by yourself?”

“I won’t be by myself, Molly’s parents are at home. They’ve been informed.”

“Not to sound indiscreet, but are you sure Molly’s parents are the right people to console you?” 

Amy didn’t know what Hope was suggesting, what her intention was, but Amy was simply not having it. In all fairness, she didn’t really care who sat next to her or who talked to her, because nothing mattered to her. Everything had lost its meaning to Amy. 

“What are you saying?” 

“I, I just want to make sure you’re going to be fine.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Okay.” 

Amy had no idea if she was going to feel joy ever again. Her eyes, sore from the day’s passing, closed as she let her head rest against the car’s window. 

 

_Present day_  
_The fuck, Hope_. Amy woke up having the other woman snuggled into the crook of her neck. Her mind leafed through the previous night. Her eyes grew wider and wider as memories came back. It wasn’t even the amount of alcohol the two of them had consumed. It was more about her mind being in denial, for she never would’ve thought she would have Hope atop of her in a sexual way ever again. Amy removed herself from the other woman. Her plan to vanish from the hotel room was no success. 

“Morning,” Hope spoke sleepily, without moving or opening her eyes. 

Amy whispered, “hey,” didn’t proceed climbing out of the bed. She remained under the covers, made sure there was some space between them. 

“So listen, I, I should probably go.”

“What?” Hope finally opened her eyes, raised her head. 

“You probably have errands to run etcetera,” Amy was ready to flee the room naked if she could. The whole situation complicated things even more. It brought up memories, dusted off old issues, raised new questions. 

“No… I actually thought we could spend the day together. Grab breakfast, go to the beach, whatever.”

A big bold _‘what?_ ’ was flashing on and off in Amy’s brain like a neon light. What was Hope’s deal? Why was she suddenly acting as if they were a couple? Or was at least trying to become one? Like? How on Earth was Amy supposed to enjoy Hope’s company just like that? 

Hope reached for Amy’s hand, but she moved a little further away from Hope on the bed. Hope scowled, surprised at Amy’s hostility. The taller woman sat up. 

“What are we even doing here? What is the outlook? Hm?” Amy asked outraged.

“Why are you freaking out? We just-”

“I _know_ what we did!”

“You’re making it sound as if we did something bad.”

“Why, didn’t we?” Infuriated, Amy raised her voice. She left the bed, walked to the couch and started picking up her clothes, putting them back on.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but neither of us like lied or cheated last night.” 

“That’s not what I meant… we, we keep… patching up the tear in this fucking thing we have like nothing happened.”

“You really need to stop milking your guilt. Move the fuck on already,” Hope retorted commandingly. The taller woman got out of bed. She picked up a t-shirt lying on the floor by the bed and put it on. 

“Okay, first of all, fuck you! Secondly… fuck you, Hope!”

“No, Amy, you don’t have the right to be angry with me.”

“How come?”

"You take _every_ opportunity to talk about… and you go and say you have to know how I feel, but this isn’t about _me_. This is about _you_ soothing your conscience."

“Take that back.”

Hope shook her head, “this was a mistake,” she paused, then quietly added, “you should leave.”

Amy panicked. What was a mistake? The night? Did she not mean the words thrown at Amy? Or did her mind reach way back to high school; did she mean the mistake being them dating in the first place? Ultimately, Amy admitted she’d been pulling the strings a little tightly around Hope lately. 

“ _Hope_ , I’m sorry, I-”

“Just leave.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I never reply to your comments, but I do read them and I apologize for all and any confusion (and also thank you for the feedback in general!!!!). But! I promise the answers are coming. In the next chapter, we’re off to New York City, baby.  
> Just be patient with me pls love y'all!!


	11. I haven't found all I was hopin' to find

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING, PLEASE READ: 
> 
> This chapter mentions the usage of hard drugs but doesn't contain a graphic description (the drugs in usage are in the form of pills, which are further not specified). Still, I've decided it would be best for you to be informed about it before diving into the chapter.

_New York_  
The city didn’t feel like home anymore. Not as it had when Amy first moved there. She tried so hard to overcome those waves of loneliness. But they came in much greater strength and she was too weak to fight them. 

A letter awaited her on her desk when she came back from LA. She got fired from her job. As if everything she had been through wasn’t enough.

Molly flew back with Amy, but only got to spend two days. She was called back to DC. Amy was sad but understood it wasn’t fair to expect Molly to drop everything and jeopardize her own career for her sake. 

Not having a job to care about, not having anything to care about for that matter, Amy spent most of her days lying in her bed wrapped in her duvet, or, on better days, she sat in front of the Tv in the living room, binge-eating all the food from the fridge, pissing off her roommates. Molly would also call her, sometimes it was mere three words exchanged. Other times Amy listened to Molly rant about all sorts of topics: from how Molly almost fought an old lady for cutting in line at the bookstore to how Molly suspected her roommate being an undercover cop. Then two days ago when they talked, Molly told Amy some news, which didn’t exactly excite Amy. Molly was offered a position in London, which she couldn’t say no to. Again, Amy understood but after deeper consideration, having a whole ocean separate them would completely put Amy on an island of loneliness. And while Molly was convincing Amy (and herself) of how perfectly it was going to work out, how they were going to keep in touch and be on the phone and how Molly would visit, Amy knew exactly well, it was just an illusion which Molly was imagining herself into. She knew that soon there would be fewer calls, fewer texts. 

Currently, Amy was curled up in her bed, while staring out her window. She couldn’t think about anything or was just thinking about the process of thinking. This effortless activity was interrupted by a knock on her door.

“Ames? Amy? Am? Psst. Are you sleeping?” Elle, one of the two people Amy shared an apartment with, would come to check on Amy if she didn’t come out of her room all day. 

“No.”

The girl walked over to Amy and sat on the edge of the bed, “how are you holdin’ up?”

“Great.”

“Amy.”

“Mm?”

“I know you said you’d rather stay at home, but it’s Lena’s birthday.”

“Okay.”

“I just know that you’d make her the happiest if you showed up.”

“You know how I feel about people,” Amy thought about her use of the word feel. As if she had felt anything at all for the past two weeks. 

“You’ve voiced your emotions a few times, yes. But it’s been two weeks.”

“What’s _that_ supposed to mean?” 

“It means that we’re worried. You’ve said it’s a thing you have to deal with by yourself. We agreed. But we also expressed our position: we’re here for you and, eventually, we’re going to make you do stuff. Like eat, move a little, shower, and go absorb some sunlight _outside_ of the apartment.”

On one side, Amy agreed with all Elle had said. On the other hand, she didn’t see a point in doing any of the things Elle had listed. 

“Okay.”

“Amy, I need you to use more words, because I’m not sure what are you okay with right now.”

“I’ll go with you to see Lena,” Amy said indifferently, “but I’m leaving as soon as too many people said hello.” 

Lena’s birthday was held at the girl’s friend’s house, which was ten times bigger than the mouse hole they lived in. Minimalistic arrangement, dark colors, dim lights. If Amy had to guess, there could be around fifty people mingling around. She spotted Lena sitting by the fireplace in a small circle of people. The birthday girl was thrilled to see Amy. And everyone else was happy to get to meet her, since, except her roommates, she was a stranger to everyone. She was offered drinks she refused to drink, she exchanged words with people, who surely were nice, but didn’t matter, because Amy was sure she’d never see them ever again. 

The whole scene was draining her, so she’d decided two hours at a party were just enough for her. 

“Amy?” Elle called on her suspiciously, “you’re leaving already?” Lena, approaching her two friends asked when she noticed Amy and the anguish in her eyes, and her coat and purse in her hands. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry, I,” Amy was pulled into a hug by Lena, who asked her not to apologize. “It’s okay. I’m glad you came. Really. I can call you a cab.” 

“No, I should probably take a walk.”

“Can’t really argue with that,” Elle poked at Amy. 

Amy said goodbye to her friends who walked her out, all the way to the elevator. Before the elevator doors closed, a male voice yelled for them to be held. Quickly, Amy stretched her arm and stuck it between the doors, which subsequently reopened. 

“Thank you,” he said as he leaned against the rail sticking out from the side of the elevator. He was panting lightly. 

“Way to catch a ride.”

Amy’s comment made him smile. He was two heads taller than Amy, wore a pastel purple short-sleeve shirt, black high-waist trousers and sneakers. He had his blonde hair wrapped in a tight ponytail. 

“We didn’t come from the same place, have we?”

He seemed confused about what Amy was trying to have a conversation about, so she added, “a birthday party? Leo’s residence?” 

“Mm, no, don’t think so.”

“Right,” Amy was embarrassed. Was she always so bad at talking to people or had she spent so much time at home that she forgot how to do it? On the contrary, her consciousness of the _feeling_ of embarrassment reassured Amy of still being able to _feel_ things. 

“A different party.”

“What kind?” Why did Amy even engage in a conversation with a stranger? God knows. But she didn’t mind it as much as she had thought she would. 

“One with too many people.”

“Yeah, same.”

“Are you coming back?”

“Oh no, I’m done with the party… for today.”

Finally, they arrived in the lobby. Amy gasped for some fresh air once she stepped outside the building. 

“Which way are you going?” 

“Down.”

“That’s a pity, I’m going up, so, I guess we’re parting ways. Well, have a nice rest of the evening.”

“You too.”

While talking to this stranger, whose name she forgot to find out, was nice, she was relieved he was going a different direction than her. 

The city was alive. More than Amy was. It also made her think how one person didn’t make much difference in a metropolis. Made _her_ existence omissible. With that and similar thoughts, she was burying herself alive. She knew it was counterproductive if she ever in the future wanted to be happy again, but what was she to do anything about it? 

She was walking past her favourite place to have a drink at, which she stopped and stood for a while in front of. Amy thought, that if she wanted to get back into living a normal life and start processing things of the past, she had to start somewhere. And maybe socializing was a good start. And since she was already outside, thanks to her friends, she decided to enter the bar. 

“Amy,” Diego, who started working there when she discovered the place three years ago, always greeted her with a huge grin on his face. Amy sat at the bar. 

“Sup?” 

“Haven’t seen you in a while. Thought you’ve found a better place with a nicer bartender.”

“You wish.”

“I just hope _you_ don’t.”

“No, you’re stuck with me, so.”

“What can I get ya?” 

“Surprise me… but make it a double.”

Amy turned her head around, scanned the room. It was packed, with only the bar having free seats. She used to come here with her classmates, that was how she discovered the place. 

“Here you go.”

“Thank you,” Amy took a sip of the blue beverage Diego made for her. It was quite strong, which Amy didn’t mind at all. Before she could ask Diego how he was holding up, she was approached by a guy in a leather jacket and ripped jeans. 

“A- _my God_ , I thought I’d never see you again.”

“That was kinda what I was hoping for.”

“Diego.”

“Tommy.” 

Tommy was a classmate in college first year. He dropped out but clenched onto Amy and her group of friends like a leech. He was one arrogant, deceitful, belligerent specimen, who was not to be trusted; not even the nose between his eyes. 

“So Amy, how’s life? How are things going for you? Heard you graduated.”

“Mmm.”

“Congratulations. How’s uh… Bea doing? That was her name, right?”

Amy was growing frustrated, “mm, yeah, that was her name.”

“Alright, alright. Where are you headed next?”

“What?”

“When you’ve finished your drink.”

“I don’t know, Tommy. I’ll probably have another one.”

“Woah. Okay, okay, you’re not the Amy I remember.” 

“Tommy, would you just go away and let me enjoy my drink in peace.”

“Sure, but if you need something better than this,” Tommy nodded at Amy’s drink, then turned to Diego, “no offense,” and turned back to Amy, “then you know where to find me.”

Tommy went back to a table in the back of the bar. Amy gave Diego a knowing look and they both burst into laughter. Between taking orders and taking them out, Amy and Diego held a conversation about his new art project. Anytime he would ask about what she was up to, Amy shifted the spotlight back him. 

Amy lost track of time and count of how many drinks she had. Frankly, she wasn’t sure how, but at one point, she found herself sitting in the company of Tommy and his friends. When the realization hit her like a doubledecker, Amy tiptoed back to the bar. 

Diego was grinning.

_Oh fuck, I’m drunk. When did I? Fuck_ , Amy felt ashamed, for she had never before been that drunk. “Could you call… a cab? Please?”

“Sure.”

“When did I,” Amy held up her index finger and playfully threw it behind her head, pointing at the table where Tommy was sitting at, “you know what, doesn’t matter, I don’t have to know.”

“I’ll call you that cab.”

“Thank you.”

While trying to wrap her mind around the situation, an arm wrapped around her, “Amy,” Tommy sounded drunk without having to drink anything, “remember, um, Paula’s party?”

“No… but go on.”

“Me, you, Carrie, and Bea, we had that little happy trip, remember?” 

“Oh, _yeah_ ,” Amy lied. She didn’t have the slightest idea what Tommy was talking about. 

“I have something similar, but better.”

“Cool, dude.”

“Wanna try them?” 

“Oh, like… take something?” It finally hit Amy what Tommy meant when he said "happy trip". 

“Yeah.”

“Now?”

“Yeah!”

“Dude, I’m drunk.”

“You were drunk at Paula’s.”

“No, I wasn’t.”

“You were.”

“No.”

“Come on. Try ‘em with us.”

There were two reasons Amy was hesitant. Even her drunk state of body and mind didn’t block her knowledge of addiction running in the family, from her father’s side. What if she took what Tommy had and liked what it would do to her? The second reason involved Molly and the look she would have given Amy if she was there. But of course, Molly wasn’t there. Molly was in a whole other country, on a whole other continent. Molly left. She left Amy in the States, in New York, all by herself. Just like that. She got an offer and she took it. Amy remembered how back in high school, and even a year or two after, they’d talk about those sorts of things, the opportunities that got into their paths. They would consider the other’s feelings but still supported each other. But this time it was different. They talked all the time, but at one point, Molly stopped getting personal.

So if Molly could make such a decision, why couldn’t Amy do her own thing? After all, the moral and emotional responsibility wasn't there anymore; there was not one person whom Amy could in any way disappoint. Not her parents, obviously, not Molly, not her friends, not Diego, not the stranger she had met in the elevator, not even Hope. _Hope_ , who turned out, also lived in New York City. Hope, who said she would call Amy when she returned to the city. Hope, who had still not called even though it’d been two weeks. Hope, whom Amy thought was actually going to be there for her.

Suddenly, Amy realized there wasn’t a reason why she shouldn’t say no to Tommy’s offer. She needed to fill the emptiness in her soul. And since there was nobody else who would help her, she had to help herself. So what if it was with the help of alien substances. Maybe it wasn’t the solution, but then again, how would she know if she never tried? 

Amy had to find how to be happy again. Sure, going to therapy would’ve been the right answer, but Tommy’s way offered a quicker road to her goal (even if it meant sort of cheating). Or at least it was one of the options. 

“Fine,” Amy shrugged.

Tommy yelled out triumphantly. “Guys, let’s get going,” he yelled at his friends. Amy didn’t even bother to ask where they were going.

“Amy?” Diego gave her a disapproving look.

“I, I don’t need the cab anymore.”

“ _Really_?”

“I’ll hang out with them… a little.”

Amy could tell Diego wasn’t happy about her decision to continue living in the night with Tommy and his friends, but that was Diego’s problem, not hers. She was free to do what she wanted and nobody could take that away from her. Even if her behavior seemed reckless and stupid and she had her hands way too close above the fire. 

They headed downtown, to a place Tommy label as the best place to lose yourself at. Amy had no objections, but she was growing keen to finally getting _into_ a good mood. Her wish was granted when Tommy handed each of them a small pill. 

Amy eyed the one lying in her palm. It hypnotized her. By the time they arrived at a warehouse, the pills started kicking in. Amy felt her whole body relax. The inside of the building was one big dance floor. On the other side of the hall, there was a stage, which had a DJ playing music. 

Soon all six of them were somewhere in the middle of the crowd. There, Amy could finally not care without feeling guilty about it. There, Amy let go all she had held back. 

*  
*

Amy was woken up by difficulties to move. She needed to scratch her nose but was unable to move either arm. When she opened her eyes, she saw Lexi sleeping on her chest. Amy started panicking.

_Fuck, did we… I can’t remember… wait, I have my clothes on. Amy, where are we? What time is it?_ Amy peeked at the window but the closed blinds blocked the view or any sunlight reaching inside the room. 

Lexi groaned, then said, “sorry,” and finally removed herself off Amy. 

“Lexi?”

“Mm?”

“Did we?”

“No… I think. But we did make out.”

“When?” 

“When you saved me from a creep. So thank you.”

“I would say it was a pleasure, but I don’t remember.” 

“Me neither… let’s agree it was good and we both enjoyed it.”

“Okay.”

Amy walked out into the kitchen. Tommy was on the couch, with a console in his hand, playing a video game. 

“Morning.”

All sobered up, Amy remembered how much she couldn’t stand Tommy. Why did she hang out with him last night? 

“What time is it?”

“Something around three.” 

“ _What?_ Where’s my phone?” Amy grew worried about not telling Lena and Elle she would be out. They must’ve been worried Amy didn’t return home. 

“I don’t know… in your purse?”

“And where is my purse?” 

“You hung it on the shoe rack.”

To Amy’s surprise, there were no texts or voicemails from her friends. Amy’s initial thought was that they didn’t care about her. But then, maybe Lena and Elle didn’t even return home from Lena’s birthday party. Or even if they did, they wouldn’t be checking on Amy in the middle of the night. 

There was one voicemail on Amy’s phone though, from an unknown number. Amy walked back to the living room, sat down next to Tommy and listened to it. 

“ _Hey… Hope here_ ,” Amy’s heart skipped a beat, Hope’s voice sounded sleepy, which Amy found quite adorable, “ _umm, sorry for not calling sooner. I’ve just landed in New York. I thought, maybe, we, we could grab breakfast tomorrow… or not. Let me know if you’re up to it._ ”

Fuck, Amy felt so bad. She thought Hope had forgotten about her. 

Amy thought that maybe if Hope called sooner, she wouldn’t have gotten around Tommy and his friends. Maybe knowing Hope had Amy on her mind would’ve given Amy some strength and she wouldn’t have had done whatever she had the previous night. 

“So? How are you feeling?”

“This was a one-time thing, Tommy.”

“Okay,” he said smugly. 

“I mean it.”

“Did you not feel good?”

“I did, I guess, I don’t know. I can’t really remember.”

“It happens when you take ‘em on alcohol.” 

“Whatever, I’m done… I’m not like you.”

“What am I like?”

“Like last night.”

“Didn’t you just say, you can’t remember last night?”

Amy scoffed. 

“My door is always open. You know my number. That’s all I have to say,” Tommy’s conceit, the conviction of his own words disgusted Amy. As if he knew anything about Amy. 

Amy believed his perception of her person was false; that they were of a person who definitely wasn’t Amy. Deep down Amy admitted, even though not remembering much, she believed she did feel good the previous night. But it wasn’t a persistent, tireless way of reaching feelings of joy. The sorts of tools Tommy provided would sooner or later bring a hard downfall. And Amy had enough of being down. 

The only good outcome of the night was Amy a new perspective and a persuasion to look for a way of healing somewhere else. She was ready to find her safe haven. She was ready to face the turmoil of her past. 

Amy walked to the kitchen and shut its door. She sat on the floor and rested her back against the cool fridge door. She dialed Hope’s number and nervously waited for the line to be answered.


	12. Forever isn't for everyone

_New York_

Amy was nervously tapping the side of the mug sitting in front of her. Why was she even nervous? It had only been two weeks since she saw Hope the last time. Seeing Hope again wasn’t supposed to make her feel like throwing up or have her sight jump to the entrance each time the bell rang, signalizing the door being opened. 

Maybe she was nervous to find out if Hope was going to initiate something. Surely, Amy could initiate something, but she didn’t want to be too straightforward. She didn’t even know if Hope wasn’t seeing somebody. Hope’s closeness during her parents’ funeral didn’t mean anything. It was simple comfort during rough times. Anybody would’ve done that. Molly did too. But Amy couldn’t help but think back at how Hope held her in a hug just a few seconds longer than usual or how, when she held Amy’s hand, she rubbed small circles with her thumb. 

The bell rang again and when Amy turned her head, she saw Hope approaching her. The taller woman smiled when she noticed Amy had her in her view. Suddenly, all of Amy’s concerns were thrown away. 

Once Hope was by the table she sat at, Amy stood up and wrapped herself around the taller woman. Amy couldn’t describe how good that hug felt. In that moment in meant the world to her.

The two women sat opposite from each other. Every now and then, their hands would briefly touch, while their minds followed through a nostalgic conversation about what had happened to each of them since high school. 

"I have to be honest, I, I was kinda nervous to call," Hope's eyes were gazing down at her own hands, her fingers nervously intertwining with one another, "the timing of our reunion, well, I don't believe in _bad_ timing, because if two people want to work it out, they try to do so, no matter the odds. But then," Amy’s heart was racing, for Hope sounded so serious, and she seemed to be lost in what she wanted to say, “I have no idea, if you, um,” Hope was struggling with the words. _Well, look at how the tables have turned_ , Amy thought. “I know what you’re going through is hard and I want to be there for you, without you thinking that I’m taking advantage of your vulnerability for my own good. Um, the, the thing is, I’ve been thinking about you... a lot. I've been thinking about how I want to help you, and I know I can't fix _things_ … I can't solve your troubles and I can't fight your wars, but you can't even imagine how much I just want to be next to you when you do that and I certainly can't believe I'm rambling all these things out loud… what I am sure of is that I feel too much when I think of you and I can't find a way to stop that or even _want_ to stop that. I care about you, Amy."

Whatever it was Amy was expecting to hear from Hope, those words were exactly what was on an imaginary script in an alternative universe. But Amy never thought Hope would _actually_ say them. It prompted Amy that Hope might’ve gone through some changes in the past years. She grew curious as to what else had changed and what out of all the things she loved about Hope had remained. She was curious if she could fall in love with the version of Hope who she grew to be after high school, who Hope was proud and confident to be. 

Then Amy thought of whom _she_ had blossomed into. She remembered the previous night and how high school Amy would’ve slapped current Amy. _But one night doesn’t define you, Amy_ , she tried to reason with herself. What if Hope saw who she was now and decided she didn’t want any of this new Amy (whoever that was, since judging oneself is problematic, for one can hardly be objective about oneself)? What if Amy fell for the new Hope and then new Hope would learn who new Amy is and would decide she doesn’t want to be with this new Amy? Then Amy reminded herself again that one bad thing didn't erase all the good things. And acknowledging the fuck-ups you've made is the first step.

Before Amy could say anything, Hope continued, “I know we didn’t talk about this in LA and I figured I would make a complete dumbass of myself if it turned out you are in a relationship, but I guess… I thought if I wished hard enough, the opposite would be the reality. And even if not, I would respect that, but still insist on being there for you as a friend... So, I think _now_ would be the best time you tell me if I’m making an idiot of myself, so I can run off as soon as possible.”

Hope’s ramble warmed Amy’s heart, which also aspired to be melted, put into a jar, and given to Hope. “While I would pay to see you run off," said Amy, "you are _not_ making a fool of yourself.”

*  
*

“Are you guys ready yet?” Elle yelled. Not even the hard knock against the door coming shortly from the woman interrupted Amy and Hope’s hidden business, messing around in bed. They had been expected at the premiere of a short film Lena produced and directed. 

It’d been a week since the two of them had a sweet reunion in New York. After what Amy thought was the biggest mistake she’d made and would ruin her life, wilding in the night with strangers and not remembering at all about any of it the next day, she was able to get back on track pretty quickly once Hope was back in her life. Sure, she still hadn’t started looking for a job and when Hope wasn’t around, unease conquered her, she was still able to fully enjoy the time with her girlfriend. Hope was her light which was stronger than anything, illuminating above all and chasing all the wicked of her mind, so that the vile feelings were forced to hide in the shadows of this light, scared to come out, scared of being burnt by the light. 

A passionate kiss turned into giggles, when the two of them heard Elle yell, “stop the smooch-fest already, we have to get going.”

“And it only gets better from here,” Amy noted. Hope got up, leaving Amy lying on the bed by herself. She checked herself in the mirror hung above the desk. 

“She won’t be happy if I tell her I need to fix my makeup, will she?”

“Don’t think so.”

Hope turned around to face Amy, who was still unwilling to get up, “it’s your fault.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Who else in this room is so _desperately_ obsessed with me that they cannot keep their hands to themselves?” 

“Wow. Now you’re just provoking me to demonstrate how it would have all started if I initiated it when we both know _you_ had your own idea of which dress should I be wearing tonight, so I played along, but didn’t expect for you to say they all looked better on the floor.”

Hope quickly corrected her girlfriend, “in a pile, on the floor.”

“Okay… you go and fix up, I’ll dress up and we’re going.”

Elle was furious that Amy and Hope took extra, _extra_ time to get ready. Although they did try to explain to Elle how they were ready at one point, but then things happened and the whole process went in reverse and soon neither of them had clothes on, but by the time they got to that point, Elle heard enough and stopped Amy from talking, not wanting to know all the details. 

The premiere of the film was held at an independent theatre. Everything about the place and the people arriving screamed glamour. 

As they entered, Amy noticed there were three men standing by the wall, a few steps from them, out of whom she had recognized one of them. It took her a second to put their face to a place and time, to search her memories. 

“I’ll be right back,” she announced herself to Hope, who let her hand go. 

Amy walked over to the three men. He recognized Amy too. “Hi,” Amy said shyly.

“Hi, um,” he wanted to address Amy by her name, but he realized he didn’t know her name. 

“Yes, yes, we forgot to introduce the other day… Um, I’m Amy.”

“Tino.”

“Are you here for the premiere?” 

“Actually,” he motioned at his clothes, “I’m a paramedic.”

Amy looked at him and his two colleagues, “why would they call the paramedics in advance to a movie screening?”

“There’s some debate, in a different hall. It’s held monthly and people attending tend to get temperamental about certain topics. But you’re here for the movie?”

“Yes, uh, my, my friend actually made the short film and I’m here to support her,” Amy looked over her shoulder to where her friends were standing. Tino looked over too. Amy locked eyes with Hope, who, seeing Amy was talking to the paramedics, gave her a worried look. Amy smiled at her reassuringly. 

“Uh, good luck with the people, saving lives and all… I, I should head back to my friends. But it was nice meeting you again.”

“I’m sure we’ll bump into each other someplace.”

Amy let out a sympathetic giggle, “maybe one day I’ll need a paramedic to save my life.”

“Let’s hope that day never comes.”

“Sure, sure.”

Amy wrapped an arm around Hope’s waist once she walked back. 

“Everything all right?”

“Yeah.”

When Lena finally showed up, she greeted each of them with a hug. “I made sure to save the best seats for you.”

They walked into the screening room, which had the capacity of circa two hundred seats out of which most had already been occupied. Lena guided them to the fourth row of seats. There were three empty seats in the mid-section. 

“Are you not sitting with us?”

“No, I have to be close to the stage. I’m giving an introduction. I’ll see you after. Also, I’m planning on taking the crew to dinner and I was hoping you’d join us.”

“Of course we would,” Elle answered on behalf of all three of them, without asking Amy or Hope if they agreed. 

“We’ll talk later.” Lena walked to the front and sat on the seat on the very end of the row. They all got seated.

While Elle was introducing herself to her seat neighbor, an attractive middle-aged woman, Hope and Amy had their own conversation.

Amy asked her hesitantly, “do you think, do you want to go to that dinner Lena suggested?” Amy knew that once the screening is over, she would be socially exhausted enough. She wasn’t certain if she wanted to completely exhaust herself by being around too many people.

“I wouldn’t mind. Do _you_ want to go?”

“Sure, yeah,” Amy lied. She knew it wouldn’t have upset Hope if she said she didn’t want to go, but she didn’t want to ruin the evening for her girlfriend. 

“ _Amy_? Look at me, please,” Hope’s gaze pierced through her and Amy feared she’d read her deepest fears. Hope reached for her hand. “Don’t say yes because of me,” she said as if she had read Amy’s thoughts. 

“I’m… not… I just… don’t want to disappoint my friends.”

“You’re complicating it, Amy. Do you _want_ to go?”

“Not really.”

“Good. Then we’re not going.”

“Hope.”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”

Hope’s lips curved into a warm smile. Amy couldn’t remember when was the last time either of them said _I love you_ to the other. Maybe one time back in high school, the only time they ever used those particular words. But Hope knew exactly what this _thank you_ meant and reciprocated it with a soft squeeze of Amy’s hand. 

*  
*

“You two are so cute. It reminds me just how lonely I am,” Elle complained at the sight of Amy and Hope cuddled on the couch. Elle was sitting on the smaller sofa, her eyes jumping from the Tv to the couple on the couch. 

“What about the woman you met last week at the film screening? The one who was sitting next to you.”

“Yeah, what was her name? Rea?”

Elle groaned, “it was fun, but she doesn’t want any commitment.”

“Too bad.”

“I’m sure you’ll meet somebody soon.”

“I’m sorry to say this, Hope, but you sound like my mother.”

The front door opened, Lena’d arrived home. “Guys, you won’t believe this.”

“What happened?” 

“Frankie was supposed to drive me to Philly, to deliver the films for the festival next month, but now he tells me he got some family thing. I can’t find anybody who would have the time.”

“What day do you need a ride?” Hope asked. 

“Thursday.”

“My boss is sending me there on Friday to document the reconstruction of the train station, for an article. I could ask him if I could go a day earlier, then I could give you a ride.”

“You’d actually do that for me?”

“Of course. I can’t really promise anything, though.”

“That’s fine. It’s enough for me.”

“I’ll go and call him.”

Amy groaned when Hope moved off the couch. The girl disappeared in the kitchen, then shortly came back with good news. Her boss had no objections for her to go to Philly on Thursday. 

*  
*

Thursday came sooner than Amy had expected. Not like she hadn’t been by herself before while Hope was at work, but Amy hadn’t spent a whole day without Hope before. And she had her doubts. Those deepened, when she received a call from Hope that she had to stay in Philly for a few extra days, returning only on Monday. 

The moment Hope’s car disappeared behind the horizon, coldness crept on Amy. It wasn’t an abrupt cut, it crawled slowly. On Thursday evening Molly called. Told Amy all about London. Sadly, all of Amy’s excitement had been under a layer of ice. The call did more harm than good. And then Amy felt bad for not feeling excited for Molly and her feeling of guilt increased. The call also reminded Amy of how little had she done with her life for the past few weeks. How she was getting older and but still hadn’t had a decent career. She didn’t have a job. The only thing she had was Hope. But how long was the woman going to stay with her? How deep was Hope’s love for Amy? What if Hope would slowly grow bored of Amy? Not like Hope was aware of how deep Amy dropped when she wasn’t around. Which raised the question of how strong was Hope’s light, how long was it going to last before burning out? And what was going to happen once that happens? What if one day Amy woke up, looked at Hope and realized she didn’t feel anything anymore? Maybe she would be able to fake it. But how long would _that_ last? The question of time was like a thin rubber band with Amy testing its pliancy. Was it going to snap? When was it going to snap? Or was Amy going to stop pulling it and slowly start to release the tension?

She had basically slept through Friday and Saturday, only Hope’s calls gave her days small glimpses of escape from herself. She woke up on Saturday at nine in the evening. It was difficult for her to breathe, she had all and no thoughts at the same time. Everything was chaotic. The room was too quiet. The apartment was empty. The vacancy was the only loud thing screaming at Amy. 

Amy wondered why she couldn’t simply turn her brain off. She grabbed her phone and started typing. Then she threw her phone away mid-sentence. After a few minutes of consideration, she reached for it and picked it up again. But instead of finishing the text message, she dialed a number, grabbing onto the only rope, her last option of escape she knew of. 

“He- _llo_?” Tommy’s annoying voice answered. 

“Hey, it’s me… um.”

“One-time Amy, hey. What’s up?” 

Amy was quiet. Was she really about that life? Was she going to go down with that sort of life? Or was it only a tool of distraction when Hope wasn’t around? Was it cheating? It was going to turn into a lie if Amy decided to go out with Tommy and his friends, and that was a fact. She wasn’t going to tell Hope about it. It was going to be another experience, another memory, Amy would have to bury. But it would be a problem for the next day’s morning sunlight. The temporary relief of being freed from her thoughts had its price. And when Amy asked Tommy where would they be that night, what would they be doing, she agreed to accept whatever that price was going to be. That night she would go out and think of it as a means of saving herself. She would go out believing she’d find answers while being lost in her own paradise.


	13. And satisfaction feels like a distant memory

_New York_

Amy was woken up by a hand on her shoulder, her body being shaken. As per usual, when she woke up in the morning, this time too, she expected to see Hope’s face upon opening her eyes. But it wasn’t Hope, it was Lexi. 

“Tommy’s going to get something for dinner, what do you want?” 

_Dinner?_ Amy was above the average level of confusion. Although this time she knew where was, she had no clue what time it was. 

“What?”

“I said-”

“No, I heard what you said… I meant, what do you mean by dinner?”

“Meal you eat in the evening? What else would it mean?” 

“What time is it, Lexi. What’s the time,” Amy started wiping the sleepiness out of her eyes. With her blurred sight searched the nearest furniture pieces which could’ve had her phone on them. 

“Half-past seven.”

Amy deduced, since Lexi talked about dinner, it was half-past seven _in the evening_. “I need to, um,” Amy squeezed gently her nasal bone. “Have you seen my phone?”

“It’s in the kitchen. In the fridge.”

Amy gave Lexi a foggy look, “why?”

“Because you put it in there when we came back.”

“Yeah, yeah, I… did I? Really? Why has nobody taken it out? And how do you look so fresh anyway?”

“It takes practice to get where I am. It can be tempting… you need to know your boundaries. If you don’t, it can suck you in.”

“I don’t think,” Amy was about to announce how she was never going to do it again, but she remembered how she said it a few weeks ago and look where was she now. Oddly, she had more memories of the previous night than the first time. Short, but sharp flashbacks. “I should get going.”

Amy put her pants on and grabbed her hoodie from the floor. In the living room, Tommy and Drew were sitting on the couch, playing poker. Tommy was the first to greet her, “How are we doing?”

“Regretfully mostly.”

Tommy’s tongue clicked, “you know… you always say that, but then you’re so much fun to hang out with.”

Amy sighed. She walked to the kitchen and she did, indeed, find her phone inside the refrigerator. First, she thought the battery was dead from the cold, realized it was only turned off. Oh, shit. Amy had forty-two unread messages, twenty missed calls, and eleven voicemails. 

She was terrified to read the messages or listen to the voicemails. 

“Are you actually leaving?” Drew asked her, when she approached the front door, ready to leave that place behind her back. 

“Yes.”

“But we planned on having dinner and then head out again.”

“I have to go.”

“Let her go. She’ll be back soon anyway, won’t you?” Tommy’s smug face drove Amy to insanity. 

“Actually,” Amy was ready to tell them how bad the night was, how much regret she had in herself, how high above all of them she really was, but she couldn’t. “Goodbye.”

But before she could leave the door, she heard Tommy call her name. He was shortly behind her. “Hold up.” 

They both stood outside his apartment, Amy clueless as to what had Tommy on his mind. “I’m really glad you called last night. It was fun. Trust me, two-three more times and you’ll be good.”

“I’m not trying to make a habit out of this,” Tommy must've had the wrong impression of what exactly was driving Amy. But as long as _Amy_ knew what kept pulling her back to Tommy and his friends... Or was she only going to learn that in the near future? 

“Because of what you said last night, about your parents, I thought I would give you some free samples. It’ll lighten up your mood.”

“What?” Amy said softly. What did she say to him about her parents? Why would she talk about them to anybody in the first place? _Hadn’t I pushed it all down deep enough?_

“It’s basically something a shrink would give you and you’d have to pay for.” 

“I don’t want it.”

“You don’t want your will to live back?”

_Ouch_. But it made one think; how did people on the outside perceive Amy? How bad of a vibe had she been giving if strangers, who hadn’t had the slightest idea of what she’d gone through, assumed she was barely surviving each day? 

“I don’t know.”

“Wait here.”

As Tommy disappeared behind the door, Amy’s consciousness fell into vertigo. She looked around herself. The mold on the walls building the hall was a scary image of how Amy felt on the inside. It was like everything around her was mocking her. What was she even doing? Accepting happy pills from a cunning guy, who, even in spite of his rich list of illegal doings, was somehow still a free man. 

Tommy reappeared with a small zip lock in his hand. He gave it to Amy. Amy murmured a thank you and left as fast as she could. She caught a cab and headed home. Sadly, New York’s traffic was merciless, giving her all the time in the world, so she had no other choice but to finally make a phone call to let her friends know she was okay. Before doing that, first, Amy scrolled through her unread messages which had stacked up in her inbox. Oddly enough, not all of them were from her roommates or Hope. There was a text from Nicole, expressing how glad they were to had bumped into Amy. Then three texts from Lexi who was lost the previous night and tried to find them. That text made Amy remember how they went to a different place than the first time. As reading the text from Anton, Amy was reminded she’d met some new people, who were friends with Tommy, but were a little more decent than him… and that she spilled her drink on one of them. Was it Anton or maybe Ary? The next text thread was from Lena. The thread consisted of at least seven ‘ _we’re worried, where are you_ ’s, then three texts asking for Amy to answer her phone. A group text followed, Amy had no idea how was she added because none of the names sounded familiar. The text thread under Hope’s name was a mental slap for Amy. Amy scrolled to the very first, received at 11:49 pm on Saturday. _Hey. I’ve tried calling you. Just wanted to let you know I’m coming back to NY tomorrow morning. We could grab lunch?_ The following text was received the next morning, and many others came after that: _I’ve tried calling again. Amy, is everything alright? … Amy, where are you? I’m at your place and we’re all worried … Call me as soon as you read this. I’m fucking worried._

So Amy was completely out, with her phone _in the fridge_ , while her closest friends were worried about her well being. 

Suddenly, her phone started ringing. Lena was calling her. Amy panicked. Pick it up or not? And if so, what was Amy going to say? She was still not sober enough or in the mood to live through being yelled at. Plus she hadn’t even listened to the voicemails yet.

She took so long to decide, Lena hung up and her call became only another missed one. But not three seconds went by when Hope’s name light up. This made Amy tear up. She patted the pocket of her jeans where she’d put the pills Tommy gave her. _What were you thinking, Amy? This is not you_ , she thought. But who was she really? Frankly, she didn’t know the first thing about herself anymore. How were those pills going to give her the answers? And how was she even going to take them? When was she going to take them? She didn’t even know what it was in that zip lock. Sure Tommy said it was safe, but he was an asshole. Amy couldn’t imagine her friends or Hope finding her passed out. Though, she could take them when nobody was home when Hope was at work. _No, Amy. You know better than this._ But did she? What better was there? Everything was simply bad. 

There in the car, she had finally come to terms with her own helplessness to climb out of the pit she fell into. Amy had to admit that she wasn’t going to get better by herself. She was convinced she was going to lose Hope if she didn’t get better soon. Because Tommy was right. Eventually, Hope would have to travel for a work thing again, leaving Amy by herself. And Amy would go _running_ to Tommy. And the previous night would repeat itself. And it would be lies clustering around her, which would then eventually, bury her alive. And she could not lose Hope. So if Tommy wasn’t messing with Amy, and the pills were, in fact, something that would bring her into a better mood, then why not take them? Try one or two, then see what happens. _If they work, I will find a job, move in with Hope maybe, get my life back on track_. If the pills showed to be working, why would Amy go to a psychiatrist who’d probably prescribe her the same pills Tommy gave her and would probably cost twice as much as Tommy would ask for. _If they don’t work_ … Amy shook her head. Well, she didn’t want to think too much of that scenario. Not just yet. 

Amy had this perfect image of her waking up the next morning feeling fresh and happy. She had to. 

Finally, Amy tapped her contact list, typed in Hope’s name and dialed her number. The line rang for way too long. Amy thought Hope was angry at her irresponsible behavior and wasn’t going to pick up. 

“ _Amy, what the fuck?_ ” 

Not the words Amy expected from her girlfriend, but it was a fair enough reaction. 

“Hey, um, I was. I’m sorry I, I went out and left my phone at a bar and,” Amy realized she didn’t put her story together. 

“ _Where are you?_ ”

“I’m in a cab. I’ll be home soon. Tell the others I’m okay.”

“ _I’m not_ ,” Hope let out a sad sigh, “ _I’m at work_.”

“On a Sunday?” 

Hope didn’t have a response to that. 

“Listen, please, come over. I… let me explain everything. In person.”

“ _Are you okay?_ ” 

“Yes. I’m sorry.”

“ _I have to go, Amy_.”

“Can I expect to see you later?”

“ _Sure_.”

*  
*

At home, Elle and Lena had what not to say about Amy having them worry and think of worst-case scenarios. 

“All it took was a short text, anything.”

“I’ve already told you I left my phone at a bar.”

“And nobody else had a phone?” 

“You think I know your numbers by heart?” 

It seemed like Elle didn’t even care anymore what she yelled at Amy, she was just enjoying the yelling and lecturing. But Amy’s argument made her think for a second, “okay. That’s fair. But who goes to a bar in the middle of the day?” 

“Everyone. It’s New York.”

“Okay. Two points to you. But just so we’re clear, I don’t buy this shit. You’re up to something, I can tell.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know… yet. But I’ll figure it out.”

Elle went into her room, which left Amy and Lena. The other girl didn’t say much. She didn’t have to. When she did speak, it was always so clear and cutting. She could just look at you and you’d break. But Amy had to keep it together. 

“Are you okay?”

“Why does everyone keep asking me that?”

“Because the way you’re acting is way out of character.”

“What does that even mean? Why can’t I be, I don’t know, exploring new territories? Trying new things?”

“This exact attitude is the problem. Exploring is good. But being reckless while doing it is less so.”

“Dude, I forgot my fucking phone at a bar! I didn’t do anything wrong,” Amy was speaking her lie as if it was the truth, while, on the other hand, she couldn’t quite grasp the meaning behind Lena’s words. “I don’t get this whole, what is this _really_ about?” 

“Amy, what you’re doing, shutting down a whole part of yourself, it’s changing you. You don’t see it. You’ve shut _us_ out the moment you arrived from LA. So you’re right, this is not about you staying out.”

“I think we’ve already had this talk. About me dealing with,” Amy groaned. She started walking away, towards her room, too tired to go through _that_ conversation again. 

“Dealing with what Amy? Hm?” Lena followed her, “you can’t even say it!”

Amy turned around, “what do you want me to say?” The corners of her eyes started filling with tears. Amy had a lot to do to hold them back. “I already feel bad enough for making you worried, for making Elle worried, and Hope! I have my stomach in a tight clutch each time the thought of losing the last person I care about wanders through my mind. I’m doing my best. I know I do. But if you guys don’t see it, that’s on you. I’m too tired of convincing anybody about it.”

Amy slammed her room’s door, leaving Lena outside. Hidden behind a piece of wood, Amy broke down. Soon she covered her hand covered her mouth. Thoughts like _I’m not enough_ and _I can’t do this anymore_ went on a loop like an endless record. 

The thing was, Amy hadn’t really cried since she’d come back from LA. She cried twice, to be exact. She believed she cried out all she could during the funeral. Later Amy started thinking that maybe she couldn’t cry because she didn’t have feelings anymore. But now that streams of salty water ran down her cheeks, she could've smiled of happiness. But her strange thoughts discouraged her. Because no, she wasn’t at all doing her best and pretending, telling other people about it, didn’t make it real. 

Her heartbeat was finally slowing down and each breath was taken deeper, and her tears too seemed to disappear. The paths of tears already wasted had dried up. 

Amy reached into her pocket. She threw a pill into her mouth. It had a rough way down, for Amy was too lazy to go and grab a glass of water. The rest of the pills she hid in her desk’s drawer, planned on figuring out a better spot to hide them.

Without bumping into Elle or Lena, Amy left the apartment and walked three floors, and didn’t stop until she was standing on the roof. There she took a blanket out of one of the boxes by the chimney, wrapped herself in it and walked to the edge, softly leaned against the railing. 

Suddenly, her phone went off. _Hope_.

“ _Amy_ ,” was her first and only word.

“I’m on the roof.”

Amy didn’t turn around when she heard the roof door squeak or being shut. Soon she had her lover’s arms wrapped around her. Sooner or later, words were to be said, but Amy knew that as long as that hug lasted, she was safe; she was home.


	14. In the right place and time

_New York_

Three days later, Amy was sitting on needles while waiting for her job interview. It was a miracle that they’d called her back a day after she sent her application in. And while she didn’t really see herself working as an assistant at a theater, there was no job offer in her field. She had to take what she got if she wanted to make a living. 

“Hello.”

“I’m Joss. The stage manager and co-founder of the theater and, apparently, an interviewer since last week, because nobody wants to do this.”

Amy wasn’t expecting so much enthusiasm, the girl didn’t even take a breath between words. “Amy. Nice to meet you.”

“Same here. Let’s walk around and talk. Sorry that I’m not taking you to my office, but it has turned into a storage after there was a water leakage and our actual storage was flooded three days ago.”

“Cool… I mean not the flood. The, the walking.”

“ _Right._ Okay, okay, the theater has 3 stages. Two are maintained by us, the third is currently being rented by an independent artist group. Don’t ask their name, I have no idea, not my department. We’re an independent institution, working in more freelance ways. We’re planning the shows for the new season, so there’s a lot of paperwork, adjustments of schedules, worksheets, but we’re also in desperate need of creative minds, there’s a lot of spontaneity and improvisations. Do you follow? ” Joss turned to Amy.

“Yeah, it’s all clear.”

“Great.”

“So what happened to the previous assistant? I’m assuming this is not a completely new position.” 

Joss clicked her tongues, her eyes pinpointed to a hundred different directions as she seemed to be making up a fake answer to Amy’s question. “Look,” she finally spoke, “the previous girl was… problematic. She had no respect for the theater. She wasn’t an actress, but liked to think of herself as one, using the stages for her own _performances_ when nobody was around, or at least she thought nobody was since that is how she got caught. Now, Amy, can you promise me you will never disrespect the art of theater by using our stages, and props, for sexual role-plays?”

Amy almost burst into laughter. But she kept it together for the sake of being hired. “I can definitely promise you that.”

Joss’ face light up, “brilliant. You’re hired.”

“Wait, what?” Amy didn’t believe it was so easy. Joss didn’t even ask her anything. “What about the other candidates?” 

“Sweetie, nobody wants this job. You’re the second person who’s sent me her resume since we put the offer up last week. And trust me, I’ve had like twenty-four different jobs before this one, it’s a rich list I might tell you about after a beer or two, but whenever there was a job offer, people were flooding in like herrings.” 

“Okay, um, well, if you think I’m qualified for this job,” Amy said, hinting at the fact that her degree in environmental science has little to do with theater. 

“Totally. You don’t have to _know_ anything about theater. We’re all equals here. There are of course people who have fine arts education, without them, this wouldn’t work. But as long as you have good organizational skills, which you have,” she was nodding her head softly, “there should be no issue with education and such things.”

“Yeah, of course, I can do it all.”

“And you’ll have to deal with people. Some of us have our bad days, _every day_ , so we can be difficult. But to our excuse, the coffee here is shit and nobody is willing to buy a new coffee machine. But I’m sure you are good with people,” Joss kept adding requirements while nodding her head as if she just _knew_ Amy had all of the skills she was listing. Amy found it funny and assumed they must’ve really been desperate for an assistant. Though it was weird that such a big theater didn’t have an administration department. Or maybe they did. Amy had no clue who and how many people worked at a functioning theater. 

“I am.”

“This is amazing.”

“So who will I be working for? I mean, who’s my superior?” 

“Well, it’s, I guess,” Joss looked behind Amy’s back. There were two people walking in the back, exiting a door. “It’s not even that you’ll be somebody’s assistant or anything, but, you know… okay, you got me there. I guess, you will spend the majority of time with me, but I guess-”

“It's okay, I get it,” Amy saved Joss from struggling to describe what her job title was. Ultimately, it didn’t matter. Amy had a job. She looked, applied for, and got a job. _I’m really doing this, huh_. Amy smiled. It wasn’t meant for Joss, it was a smile for herself. 

Joss smiled back. “I will, no. You can start… when can you start?” 

“You want me to tell you?” 

“No, uh, nobody believed we’d be able to hire anybody this fast, so we haven’t had a talk about it.”

“Okay,” Amy had a strange feeling that she was looking forward to an interesting job. That maybe there was a good reason they needed somebody with the skill to organize things. “How about you find out and give me a call? I can start whenever you tell me to. I don’t… have anything else on my hands right now.” 

“Yes, that’s… you really are the best choice for this job, wow.”

_The only choice_ , Amy thought. “Great. So, I’ll,” she pointed in the direction from where they came from.

“I’ll walk with you.”

The two of them walked back to the entrance hall. Through the glass of the windows, which made up the front of the building, Amy saw Hope’s car parked by the curb, with the girl leaning against the side of the vehicle. 

“Is this your ride?” Joss asked as she walked outside with Amy. 

“Uh, yeah, this uh,” they approached Hope, who stepped away from her car, closer to them. 

“Hello.”

“This, this is Hope, my girlfriend, that, we don’t use the title that much,” Amy mumbled. She stepped to Hope and wrapped an arm around the taller woman’s waist, “and this is Joss, my colleague.”

“You got the job?” Hope looked down at Amy with a huge grin. 

“Amy’s going to ace this thing, she’s, well, I don’t really know her, but just from this short time we talked, she’ll be fine. We’ll throw a welcoming party, which will be a regular party, we just have the tendency to look for an excuse to have a party. Consider yourself invited,” Joss said to Hope.

“Thank you.”

“But hey,” Joss pointed a finger at Amy, “no messing around, alright?”

Hope frowned, “messing around?” She asked innocently.

“Yeah, we had a-”

“I, I will explain it to her,” Amy interrupted Joss, “we’ll go now. I’ll be expecting your call.”

In the car, Hope startled Amy with a passionate kiss. “ _Wow_. What a nice treat.”

Hope rolled her eyes, “oh, shut up, you’re ruining the moment… what was that messing around thing about anyway?” Hope started the car and they rolled onto the street. 

“The previous assistant was having sex on stage, like doing role-play.”

“Really?” 

“I know. The disrespect.”

“Not what I would call it.”

Amy leaned her head back a little in surprise, “what would _you_ call it?”

Hope peeked at Amy, “don’t give me that look. Honestly, is there nothing that turns you on?”

“You turn me on.”

“I mean it.”

“Are _you_ into role-playing?” 

“I’ve never tried. Are you?” There was a mischievous smile on Hope’s face. 

“I’m not sure… probably not. It would feel weird.”

“Why?” 

“I don’t know. It’s just weird.”

“Okay, but what turns you on then, except me, of course.”

Amy knew exactly what turned her on, but she had to think that if she told Hope, the girl would one night do the thing and then Amy would feel totally awkward. “Women in uniforms.”

“How basic.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.”

“Okay, so what turns you on?”

“I’m not telling you that.”

“So I told you, but you won’t tell me?”

“It’s your fault you told me.”

Amy giggled. For the first time in a long time.

“I’m proud of you.”

Hope’s words made Amy blush. It wasn’t only about Amy getting a job. It was about Amy being talkative, playful in conversations. It was about Amy being, well, Amy again, whatever that meant, since the girl couldn’t tell. She did feel better though. She had a completely new view of life, at how she wanted to proceed. 

*  
*

“Are you sure they’ll be okay if I show up too?” Elle asked as she held her lipstick up at eye level. 

It took Joss two days to finally get back to Amy about the information on when she would start her new job. Monday was the day, but the party which Joss had mentioned would be on Saturday. Joss also told Amy she should bring Hope and some friends if she wanted to. Only Elle was able to go since Lena had a date on the same night. 

“Yes… um, since when do you worry about being invited to a party anyway?” 

“Since two days ago happened.”

“What happened two days ago?” Hope joined the conversation. She threw an arm around Amy’s neck. 

“I’m not ready to talk about it. How do I look?” Elle turned to the two women to ask about the overall look of her outfit.

“I think we underdressed, babe,” Hope concluded. 

“You’re always underdressed when you go with Elle.”

“Aww, thank you.”

“It’s, I, that wasn’t a compliment. It’s really annoying.”

As Elle walked past them, she pecked Amy on the cheek, “isn’t she cute?” 

Amy was shaking her head. 

“She sure is,” Hope agreed. 

“Don’t, she’s,” Amy looked up at Hope, “you’ll see. It’s annoying, she keeps-”

Hope shut Amy up with a kiss. 

“Have you called a cab yet?” 

“No.”

“What are you waiting for? We can’t be late.”

“Can you remind me of whose party we are going to. I have a hard time remembering. Oh wait, it’s mine.”

“Just call a cab, would you?” 

“Why me though? Why can’t you?” 

While Amy and Elle were deciding who should call a cab, Hope went and did it for them. It had arrived in five minutes. 

“Who did Lena go on a date with? Is it that french guy again?” Amy asked when the car stopped at a red light. 

“Oh, it’s actually that guy we saw you talk to at the night of the premiere of her movie.”

“ _Tino_?” Amy asked thoughtfully. 

“Mhm.”

“Where did they meet?”

“We ran into him yesterday when we grabbed lunch. You never told us you had a hot paramedic friend.”

“We’re not exactly friends, we just know each other,” Amy wasn’t going to go and explain how exactly she met Tino. It wasn’t an interesting story to tell anyway. 

“Do me a favor and next time, introduce me to any of your hot ‘not exactly friends’, please.”

Once they arrived at the theater, Amy had to call Joss to come and open the door for them. 

“Hello, wow, welcome. I’m so happy you’ve actually shown up,” Joss let them in and locked the front. 

“Joss this is Elle.”

“Nice meeting you.”

The two of them shook hands, then they walked into one of the theater room. On the stage was a long table, made up of several short ones. There were people on the stage, sitting in the first rows, some were dancing to the music a little radio was playing. 

“Excuse the sound, the flood is to blame. But we’re working on it.”

Joss walked up on stage, while Amy and Hope stayed under it, Elle quickly found company to talk to. 

“I would like to ask for everyone’s attention,” Joss looked down, with her hand motioned for Amy to walk up. Shyly, but she did. She didn’t understand what was the deal with the whole introducing thing. Why did they have to make such a big deal of it? “This is Amy, she’s the one who will be doing our schedules, so be nice to her.”

People waved at Amy and smiled at her, but the introduction was pointless since she’d still have to walk around and introduce herself to everyone individually, so she could find out their names. Several people approached her while she was on the stage, was offered wine and snacks from the long table. When Amy looked behind her back, down where she left Hope, to her surprise, she saw her girlfriend talking to somebody. 

“Hello,” she greeted once she walked down the few steps. 

“This is Amy,” said Hope and reached for Amy’s hand, which she squeezed tightly, then she proceeded to wrap Amy into a side hug. “Sophie is a scenic designer here, apparently,” Amy immediately caught on Hope’s cynical tone, her body became tense. 

“Up until now, I was the newbie, now it’s you, so thank you.”

“Uh,” Amy didn’t know how to respond to that. _You’re welcome?_ Luckily, she didn’t have to say anything, Sophie had enough to say. “This has been a really interesting, and different, from what I’ve experienced working at a theater before. In a positive way. I’ll be looking forward to working with you. And if you need anything, just let me know, okay?”

“Sure will. Thank you.”

“Now, if you excuse me.”

When Sophie walked away, Hope’s body relaxed again. “What’s the matter?” 

“We, she,” Hope rolled her eyes, “we dated last year. For a really short time.”

“Oh,” Amy finally unglued herself from Hope, her arms being a little tired from being in that tight hug. 

“Don’t… you have minus ten reasons to be jealous.”

“I’m not jealous,” Amy could see Hope’s frustration from the situation, how uncomfortable Sophie made her and she knew teasing Hope about it would make it worse. Plus, Amy was way too confident about their relationship to be causing pointless drama about past relationships. 

“I can’t believe she works here,” Hope let out a quiet groan. The situation seemed to frustrate her more than one would judge it normal. It didn’t bother Amy, but it did awaken an interest in her. 

“Did something happen when you were together?” 

“No. Nothing happened,” Hope’s eyes were sprinting restively around the place, “she’s like… she’s like a walking headache, okay?”

“She seemed nice to me,” while Amy was still confused about Hope’s sudden nervousness, she dismissed it. If there had something happened, Hope would tell Amy in the end anyway. Besides, it just wasn’t the time or place to have a deep conversation about feelings. 

“Of course she did, but she’s, she's not.”

“Then why were _you_ nice to her?” 

Hope gave Amy an unamused look, “because I’m not an asshole.”

“Only behind her back.”

Now Hope looked pissed at Amy for that comment. So Amy started smiling at her girlfriend. Her smile got wider and wider, while her eyebrows danced. 

“Stop it,” Hope warned the shorter woman, but Amy didn’t stop. “ _Amy_ , no,” but finally, Hope couldn’t _not_ smile at Amy’s silliness. 

“Come with me, my love,” Amy took Hope’s hand, intertwined their fingers, “there are about forty faces and names I should memorize by the end of the party. How about you help me, hm?” Amy stood on her toes and kissed Hope on the lips. 

Hope shrugged, then started walking with Amy around the room, introducing themselves to people.


	15. Maybe I just wanna be yours

_New York_

Amy checked if she put everything she needed into her bag. A tiny flame of excitement danced in her as she was getting ready for work. It’d been a week since she started working at the theater and it was better than she’d expected. While each person working there was deep into their own thing, they still treated each other with respect and there was a lot of goofing around. And the best thing of all was how they all accepted Amy right away. So even if she bumped into difficulties (or got a little lost in the building on the first few days), it didn’t matter, for there was always somebody who helped her out. 

Before leaving, Amy opened her desk’s drawer, she took the lid of a tiny green box off and took a pill out of it. Before putting the lid back, she peeked into the box, to see how many pills were left. Her eyes counted ten. _Five days_. Quickly, she shut the drawer and left the apartment. Amy played a game where, if she didn’t see the thing, it didn’t exist. If it didn't linger in front of her eyes, it didn't exist. If she didn’t acknowledge it, it wasn’t happening.

At the theater, as Amy was setting up the blackboard, she was approached by Joss, “could you give a hand to Sophie, please, she’s in the lobby.”

Amy went to the lobby, where Sophie was trying to carry several boxes all at once, but she was terribly failing at it, while only the top of her head was visible. Quickly, Amy stepped in and caught the box on the very bottom, which was starting to slip out of Sophie’s hands. 

“Whoever you are, you’re awesome.”

“It’s Amy,” she placed the saved box on the floor, then removed another one from the top and put it on the one on the floor. 

“Amy, hey, thank you.”

“Where to?”

“My office, well, room… follow me.”

Amy peeked at all the boxes mounted by the box office which still had to be carried. They weren’t too heavy, she wondered what was in them, thinking she was going to find out sooner or later. Props. All the boxes contained props for one of the new season’s plays. 

“I’m so grateful for your help.”

They both ended up melting into the sofa in Sophie’s office, once they brought in the last of boxes left. 

“It’s one of the many things my job covers.”

“I hate this job.”

Amy scowled.

" _This_ part of my job. On the other hand, you learn to have more respect for the final result, because you know how much work went into it. So even if it sometimes doesn’t turn out the way you wanted, it’s still perfect.”

Amy smiled.

“I didn’t have the opportunity to say anything the other night. And I also didn’t want to, in front of Hope. I’m just glad that you two have found each other again. It’s precious, because you two could’ve been wherever in the world, but you’re here, together.”

While Sophie’s words came out with honesty, Amy was confused by their meaning, " _found each other again_?" 

“It’s… when we dated, she’d mention you one or two times, and, please don’t take this the wrong way, I’m over that relationship, it’s just… she never said it out loud, but Hope, she was constantly trying to find you in me, find even a little part that would be you. I knew I wasn’t _the_ one. We weren’t that deep into dating, it was nothing serious really. I couldn’t be upset about it, I understood. Although, I’ve never believed high school love could survive this long, and then, well, seeing the two of you I suddenly believe in whatever love is.”

Amy was speechless. Was this why Hope was so tense around Sophie at the party? Did Hope fear the girl would tell Amy this? There was no reason for Amy to think Sophie was lying. Who would lie about something like that? _Oh, fuck, she really does love me_. Of course, Amy loved Hope with all of her heart, but she would lie if she said she looked for Hope in other people. Which set up the question whether she loved Hope as much as Hope loved her. How much love did Amy's heart carry? What if it wasn't half of how much Hope's did? What if it wasn't enough? How does one even measure somebody’s feelings? Was it via time? Was it by them being around even during the worst of times? Amy knew what was her worst, but she had a hard time telling when was Hope’s worst. What if Amy couldn’t tell, because she wasn’t there? Which, Amy deduced, then had to mean that her love wasn’t as deep. _No, Amy, stop that_. Suddenly, Amy panicked, because she had a feeling as if she had no feelings. Like she was only fooling herself into feeling love for Hope, but in reality she didn’t _feel_ anything. She was only faking it, so Hope would stay with her. _Shit, shit, shit_. Was it really like that? But if it was, then why would she feel sick to her gut when she thought of a life which Hope wasn’t a part of? Why would she feel like dying at the thought of something happening to Hope? Why would she feel sick at the thought of hurting Hope’s feelings? Wouldn’t it all then mean that she did love her? That she cared? That she wanted the best for her? Wasn’t that enough of a proof? 

“Thank you for telling me.”

“I just wanted you to know that us working together shouldn’t be anything weird.”

“Agreed.”

“And I’m engaged now.”

“Congratulations.”

“Thanks. It’s been a year now though. He’s in the navy, things are hectic, but I’m confident we’ll finally choose a wedding date very soon.”

“I’m sure you will.”

“I’m happy Hope has you.”

“Trust me, the honor is mine.”

After work, Amy decided to take a walk around the city. Her mind kept repeating Sophie’s words. Just how many people did Hope look for Amy in? And in how many had Hope found a little piece of her? It’s not even that the numbers mattered, they didn’t. 

_I have to be better. I have to do better_. It bothered Amy. A question. A question she was so afraid to ask herself. Should she stop taking the pills? Since, the past two weeks had been such a relief. She was able to breathe again. To find joy in the simplest things of living. Just the act of her opening her eyes in the morning and thinking about how much she was going to accomplish that day was so liberating. That her mind wasn’t pushing her down. 

But what if… what if it wasn’t the pills? Yes, sure, she was taking them, but… what if somehow it was all Amy? All by herself? What if she was better because she had the will to get better and the pills weren’t even doing anything? What if those pills were just some vitamins, but in fact were placebo? Like Tommy was messing with her? _Why_? In all honesty, Amy had no idea, but also didn’t care for the reason. But okay, let’s say, the pills were doing their magic… Amy could try and not take them. Because she was doing better. She could clearly see what this better brought her. Now she could keep going, but without having to rely on drugs.

She started convincing herself how, that knowledge, the taste of the better self, was enough for her to recover. _I can fucking do this_. 

As she walked past a veggie shop, Amy got an excellent idea. Once she bought all sorts of vegetables, she took a cab to Hope’s apartment. Since she had a key, she let herself in and within ten minutes had the whole kitchen in cooking mode. She put on some upbeat music to which she listened to while making dinner and baking a pie. Amy got a little lost in her own world as she did a little dancing in the kitchen, while waiting for the oven to finish baking the apple pie. 

She was so busy doing her little dance, that she didn’t even hear the door being unlocked an hour later. 

“Hope!” Amy called out when she finally noticed Hope was leaning against the kitchen’s doorway, a wide grin on her face. She stopped dancing and quickly lowered the volume, "how long have you been standing there?” 

Hope bit her lower lip, “I could get used to this.”

Amy blushed. 

“How come you don’t come over more often?” Hope stated the question Amy had asked herself too. 

“I was thinking the same. We spend so much time at my place, but here we have much more privacy. And, I don’t think I’ve mentioned enough times, but your photographs are so dope, dude," Amy referred to the tens of photographs put up all around Hope's apartment. 

Hope tittered, “thank you.”

“And,” Amy continued, she had a flow of words just coming to her, which she said out loud without thinking, “when I return from work after a long day, when I look at the walls of our home, I want to be comforted by even the most random things. Because when I look at these photos, I see the world through your eyes and it’s enchanting.” 

Hope simpered, remained silent. 

“What?”

“It’s nothing… Just, do you want to ask me something?” 

Now they both just smiled at each other like idiots. “No, why, I-”

“You just sounded so, sentimental, I thought.”

“Wait, I wasn’t going to. Hold up,” Amy walked over to Hope, her arms slid around Hope's waist, “let’s clarify on what we’re talking about, before one of us gets their feelings hurt,” Amy pressed their bodies together. 

“You sounded like you want to move in together. You said ‘ _our home_ ’.”

Amy’s cheeks burned a little, “I did? I didn’t realize, but I, I do see us living together.”

Hope pressed their lips together. Their kiss was interrupted by the timer going off. 

“ _Ooh_ , the pie is ready.”

“Pie?”

“Mmm.”

“Do you want to move in?” Hope’s question took Amy by surprise. It shouldn’t have, to be honest, Amy had played with the idea of moving in with Hope, yet, as it usually is, things become real when said out loud. 

Amy placed the hot pie on the trivet. 

“Amy?”

“Hm?”

“Do you want to live with me here?”

Amy turned away from the oven. “I’m not sure. I, I do. But I wouldn’t want to invade _your_ space.”

Hope playfully tilted her head, “come here,” she reached her arm. Amy walked over to her. Hope took Amy’s hand and pulled the girl into the living room. “See that?” She nodded at a few books towered on the coffee table. They were all Amy’s.

“My books?”

Without giving Amy an explanation, Hope walked Amy into the bathroom, where she pointed out at least ten items which belonged to Amy. Their final destination was the bedroom, where Hope made Amy stand in the middle of the room and point out the pieces of clothing which belonged to her. 

“Your point is?” Amy turned to Hope as she grew annoyed with the game she was cluelessly forced to play. 

“If you think about it, you already live here. You have a pair of keys, there’s your toothbrush, clothes, books, and so much more.”

“My stuff, Hope… some of my belongings live here, thanks to _you_ because, hey, that,” Amy noticed a pullover hanging on the clothing rack, “I’ve been looking for that last week.”

“See? That’s what I’m talking about.”

“Hope,” Amy crossed her arms against her chest. 

“Amy,” Hope stepped to the girl and pecked the tip of her nose. 

Amy let out a sigh. Was she ready? Was it time? She wanted to share a home with Hope more than anything. Besides, she could still keep her old place, just in case. _Fuck this, I want to do it_. “Okay. I’ll move in.”

It was Amy’s opportunity for a new start. A new job, a new home. A _home_. The flash of images of future scenarios which could’ve played out of only the two of them in that apartment warmed Amy’s heart. _Oh, shit_. Amy’s heart skipped a beat. Because the thought of having a home was also a little scary. It reminded Amy of the home she used to have in LA. The home she grew up in, which didn’t exist anymore. Amy was scared, because building something meant that that something could come crashing down. _No, I will not let that happen_. Amy was determined to fight whatever forces were going to try to tear her happiness down. Especially if that force was going to be her own mind.


	16. In a small world on an exceptionally rainy Tuesday night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a few quick words:  
> 1) I won't be able to update sooner than the 8th of September since I have to finish writing my thesis *cries*;  
> 2) I have done a rough layout of the story and we're in the middle of it (you can see I've updated the chapter number);  
> 3) I can only hope that the story is still interesting and you'll stick around for a little longer to see how it ends.  
> 4) I love every one of you. thank you for reading *blows kiss*

_New York_

A loud rumble woke Amy up. Relentless hard knocks on the windows accompanied by thunder and the doorbell being rung echoed a rather unpleasant cacophony into the middle of the night. Amy’s eyes quickly ran to the window. A bolt of almost blinding lightning hit somewhere near. The very next moment brought another ruthless thunder. 

As Hope’s body was snuggled into Amy’s side, she felt the girl’s body jerk at the hit of the thunder. Shortly, coldness replaced the warmth of Hope’s face being nestled into the crook of Amy’s neck, when the taller girl lifted her head. “What on Earth is going on?” 

“Somebody’s at the door,” Amy referred to the bell still being rung, “that or somebody fell asleep while leaning against the doorbell,” she added.

“What time is it?”

“No clue.”

“I’ll go and see who’s there,” Hope left the bed. On her way out she picked up a pair of short shorts. 

Amy, not wanting to be left alone in the dark, cold room, grabbed the first thing she was able to identify as a piece of clothing and followed the mumbling of voices coming from down the hall. There seemed to be no electricity, so she had to walk around in the dark. Even though they were sheltered from the storm by the walls and windows, Amy was starting to have doubts. She was convinced that the night was going to turn into horror. 

“Yeah, sure. I’ll, yes sir. Thank you,” Hope finally shut the door. 

“Who was it?” 

Hope followed Amy’s voice until she reached the shorter girl and pulled her into a lazy hug. 

“The landlord. He’s knocking on everyone’s door, making sure people are okay. There’s a power outage.”

Amy’s hand was slowly rubbing up and down Hope’s back, “is the storm that bad?” 

“A tree fell onto the electric cables on our street,” Hope’s cheek rested against Amy’s head. There was something soothing about being in each other’s arms while listening to the storm. 

Amy whimpered, “I doubt I can fall back asleep like this.” Her irrational fear of the storm shattering the windows, ripping up the ceiling from above their heads was worming through her sleepy mind. 

“What do you suggest we do?”

“Can we just stay like this?”

All Amy needed was to be held. 

“Like this? Just standing here?” Hope giggled.

“Well, we could go back into the bedroom.”

“Okay,” Hope was ready to start walking, but she realized she was trapped in between Amy’s arms. The shorter girl refused to let her go. “Is _this_ how you want us to walk back to bed?” 

“Would that be an issue?”

Hope didn’t say anything. Her arms returned to hug Amy again. Slowly, they started taking baby steps towards the bedroom, but their walk was unsynchronized, which caused them to almost trip several times. They were almost by the bed when Hope fell over something. They both landed on the bed, the action having both of them burst into laughter. 

“So listen,” Hope turned to the side, so did Amy. A lightning stroke every three seconds, each time illuminating a different side of Hope’s features. It made a special effect on the iris of Hope’s eyes. For Amy that sight was the only good thing about the storm happening around them. “I was going to tell you in the morning, but since we’re awake… Xander, my brother, is coming home for a few weeks.”

“He is?” Amy called out happily, for the next lightning showed Hope’s sweet smile. 

Hope whispered shyly, “he’d arrive on Friday and stay for a few days in New York and well, I really want you to meet him.”

“I thought you’d never ask,” Amy leaned over to Hope and kissed upon the smile on her face. 

Hope cupped Amy’s cheeks, “is it okay, then, if you moved in _after_ he leaves? We haven’t seen each other in ages and I also don’t want him to stay at a hotel.”

“Are you kidding, of course, that’s obvious.”

“You’re the best, you know that right?” 

“Yeah, I didn’t want to brag, but now that you’ve mentioned it. I am, yes.”

The loudest rumble came from outside, so sharp it felt as if it hit right next to their bed. To this, Amy’s body jerked, turned to the windows to make sure it was still in one piece. She whined, “why does it have to be so loud?” 

“You don’t like storms?” Hope took Amy’s hand and intertwined their fingers. 

“I like the sound of rain. This only gives me anxiety.”

“When I was eight, with Xander, we would pretend we are storm hunters,” Hope let out a chuckle at her own memory, “he would keep a check on the forecast and I would do these graphs with statistics, which I had no idea what meant back then. And when the storm hit, big or small, we were in our treehouse while it lasted. We made up words for weather phenomena because the book on weather forecast Xander had from the library had too many words he couldn’t pronounce.”

“That sounds scary.”  
“Nothing was scary when I was with him.”

Amy smiled. 

“Our parents never understood why I would hang out with him.”

“I always wanted a brother.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, but, my mom, she,” Amy almost spoke about her mom in the present tense, so she had to pause, “they had difficulties conceiving me, and, basically, the doctors said another pregnancy was risky for both the baby and for my mom.”

Suddenly, Amy grew uncomfortable. About the conversation, the emotional situation it had created. She started feeling uncomfortable in her own skin, the temperature grew hot, and a lump in her throat grew to a size which had her unable to swallow. She rose from lying position. 

“Are you okay?” Hope did the same. 

Amy was grateful that there was no power; Hope couldn’t see the worry in her eyes. “Yeah, of course. I, I just need to pee.”

“Okay.”

Amy started walking towards the bathroom. Her sight got used to the darkness just enough for her to see good even without electricity. Once inside the bathroom, Amy started freaking out. 

_Why is this happening?_ Her hands started shaking uncontrollably. _What is going on, Amy? Calm down._ She didn’t understand why all of that unease came over her. She started taking deep breaths and was able to slow her heartbeat down. Once she was calm enough, she started to reason with herself, trying to figure out what went wrong so she could fix things and not freak out around Hope again. 

_What is it, Amy?_ So she talked about her parents. That wasn’t a bad thing, it wasn’t supposed to freak her out. It couldn’t have. _I’ve dealt with it, haven’t I?_ Amy was sure there was no way it triggered something in her. _No, it must be something else._ She admitted it could’ve been something worse, more serious. The truth was, Amy hadn’t taken a pill in three days. What if that was the issue? The substance had completely drained from her body and now that she didn’t supply it anymore, it had started showing withdrawal symptoms? _It’s only been two days, come on. That’s not possible._ Or was it? And how was she going to find that out? _What if it’s something else, Amy? But what else?_ The possibility of her simple fear of storms came up as an option. Or that maybe she ate something. Or that she hadn’t slept much that night. Or exhaustion caused it. 

“Amy? Is everything alright?” Hope knocked on the bathroom door. 

_Shit._ She must’ve been taking too long. “I’ll be out in a second.” Amy came to a dead-end of her thoughts. Not one rational thought came to her mind, which would have explained the invoked discomfort. Amy sighed then left the bathroom.

Back in the bedroom, Hope was waiting for her, sitting on the bed, “I figured we could eat the ice cream so it doesn’t melt.”

“It’s ice cream in a plastic box. It will freeze again when the power comes back on.”

“Slaughtering the mood, aren’t you?”

Amy smiled, “I didn’t say I don’t want any.” 

Looking at Hope, well, as much as Amy was able to make out of her girlfriend’s silhouettes, solaced her. Amy was reminded that there was nothing else as important as the happiness she felt when looking at Hope.

*  
*

_Present day_

“What does your mom need all this stuff for?” Amy complained about having to spend the morning at the store.

“We should split the list,” Molly ripped the piece of paper in half and handed the upper part to Amy. As they were taking a turn towards the refrigerators, they happened to come face to face with Hope’s mom. _Shit,_ suddenly, Amy’s heart started pounding fast. She was trying to find the fastest way out of the situation. She hadn’t seen Hope’s mom since high school, but considering what happened in New York, she was nervous. Amy was convinced Hope’s mom blamed her for everything, although there was a small chance she knew exactly what had happened. 

“Amy.”

“Hi, uh.”

“Molly,” she gave her a smile, which froze when she put her focus back on Amy. “You’re both back for the reunion?”

“Yes,” Molly took the lead at answering when she sensed something was obviously wrong with Amy. “Ten years, phew. Feels like it was yesterday when we all said our goodbyes. Time flies so fast.”

“Not for all of us. Or am I wrong, Amy?”

Amy panicked, her heart was in her throat. What was that supposed to mean? Before she could force at least a syllable out of herself, Hope’s mom spoke again, “well, enjoy your time back at home,” and with that, she walked past the two of them. 

“I’m,” a little bundle of courage slapped Amy into finally speaking up. Hope’s mom turned around, intrigued about what Amy had to say after all that time, “I’m really sorry. I, I never apologized to your family for,” Amy trailed off. Was a supermarket the most suitable place to be this truthful? What if the building would suddenly collide and bury them alive, just because Amy said out loud the truth that hurt so much?

“Yes?”

“I never meant to hurt anybody, I swear. I would never, I loved your daughter, it’s, what happened, I didn’t mean to,” Molly watched in awe all of Amy’s failed attempts to finally say it.

But Hope’s mom grew impatient, clear with the fact that she would not hear the expected apology, “didn’t mean to what, darling?” She stepped a little closer to Amy, who was on the verge of tears, “my daughter almost died because of you.”

“Mrs-” Molly tried to interact but was shut up.

“Keep your apologies to yourself. If you really care at least a little for my daughter, you will leave her alone. I’ve already had to bury one child. I would hate to have the other taken away from me too.”

Amy scowled, “what?” she asked softly. 

“All those years Hope was there for you. And you? Where were _you_ to support my daughter when her brother died? When she went down the same filthy path you did in New York? Leave her alone!”

Hope’s mom stormed away. Air was completely cut from Amy’s lungs. She felt as if she was suffocating. There were all those questions and no clues for answers. How did Hope’s mom know about what happened in New York? Did Hope tell her? Amy was doubtful about that, for she knew Hope didn’t have the best relationship with her parents, mainly her mom. But she couldn’t know. Maybe their relationship had gotten better. 

“Amy, Amy,” Molly was rubbing her back. Her best friend continued to tell her words she thought would sooth Amy, but Amy was deafened by the fear of having ruined Hope’s life. How did Amy not know about any of it? Xander dying? Hope ‘ _going down a filthy path_ ’? Could that mean… At that thought, Amy broke down. As she rushed out of the store, one tear after the other ran down her cheeks. 

Molly’s calls for her to stop were pointless. Amy had to escape. She had to find a place where she could breathe again. Wherever that was. 

“Amy! Wait for me!” 

Amy was aimlessly walking around the parking lot, trying to make sense of it all. 

“Amy, please,” finally, Molly caught up to her friend, “Amy, look at me, please,” Molly commanded. “None of it is your fault. Do you hear me?”

“It is! Everything that happened!”

“No!”

“You weren’t there, okay? You don’t have the slightest idea. She is right. Hope was always there for me. And I… I wasn’t there.”

“You were long gone. You couldn’t have known.”

“I could have. If I contacted her back then. But I didn’t.”

“She made it clear she didn’t want to see you anymore, you told me yourself.”

Amy wept, “I could’ve still, I could’ve, call her, or,” Amy threw herself around Molly’s neck. 

Why didn’t Hope tell her all of this when they were together the other night? Why was she so stubbornly insisting on not discussing anything about the past? Was it about trust? Did Hope not trust Amy anymore? Or was it maybe about Hope being at a bad place mentally? Why wouldn’t she tell Amy? This broke Amy’s heart even more. It turned everything upside down. Everything Amy was sure of was suddenly hanging on a thread.


	17. The mixture hits you hard

_New York_  
In the end, it all comes down to a simple choice. Because when you deprive all of your thoughts, strip them down, come to the bottom of your free fall, you sort of end up with that one thing that has been haunting you, the thing which provided the soil for establishing that monster made up of negativity that is now pulling you down. And then there are, like tiny knights in a perfectly clean ziplock, the bonus rounds you’re able to run thanks to them, the fool they make of you when you say you don’t need them. Amy was staring down at the green box, her eyes wide, as if she was expecting the box to open with a monster jumping out of it. She was sitting on the floor a foot away from it, scared to touch it as if it was one of those poisonous frogs. 

Amy’s body had felt so heavy that day. She was barely holding her head on her neck. Fatigue was slyly sneaking around her. 

_Maybe I lack magnesium or vitamin D_ , Amy sighed. _Or maybe you lack some other_ vitamin. While on one side, Amy felt like being in a rush to figure out what was wrong with her, on the other, her brain worked with the speed of a bird whose wings are made out of lead. She was so focused on being focused, the subject of what she had tried to focus on had vanished. _Think, Amy. I should call Hope… wait, am I?_ Amy had her location confused for a brief second. Then she looked around the room. _No, I’m home… why is there such a mess?_ Amy had zoned out so much she had forgotten that her initial plan was to start packing things for her big move. _Shit, I still haven’t told Lena and Elle. They’re going to kill me._

A knock interrupted her contemplation. 

“Yeah?”

Elle’s head popped up from behind the door, “sorry, to be in- uh, are you okay?”

“Hm?” Amy looked up. 

“Are you okay?” Elle repeated her question with some added concern in her voice.   
“Yes. What’s up?” 

“What happened here? Why are you sitting on the floor?” Elle asked, referring to the state of Amy’s room. 

“I’m sorting my stuff out, like… Autumn cleaning.”

“Do you need help?”

“Nope.”

“Listen, I just want to know if you and Hope are still down for that movie night tomorrow?” 

“Yeah, yes, we’ll be here,” Amy lied. She had completely forgotten about it, she had not asked Hope at all, and she’d also promised Joss she would go over to the theater and help with the cleaning and repairing, for the storm from the previous day had done some damage. But was Amy supposed to confess to Elle how she had forgotten about it? And listen to a lecture of how she always forgets when it comes to making plans with them? No. Calling at the last minute to tell them she and Hope won’t be able to make it, after all, sounded like an easier idea. Lying was not right, but in the mental state she was in, it was the easiest way to get herself out of situations.

Amy returned to trying to make sense of the mess in her room once they said their goodbyes with Elle. She groaned aloud. Why was making a mess much easier than cleaning it up? Nevertheless, Amy kind of abandoned the idea of actually cleaning it all up and rather turned her attention to the green box. She picked the object up and placed it on her desk. Upon opening it, no monsters jumped her. Nothing happened. 

Why was making a decision so difficult? Why did she have to make it? Oh, well, maybe because it was her life, but then, there must’ve been smarter people, people who knew what to do. _You can’t do this, Amy._ There was too much socialization awaiting her during the upcoming days for her to be able to act as if nothing was going on. Work, the possible movie night, Hope’s brother arriving in two days. How was she going to function? _Ten pills. Five days. And then what?_ She could take only one a day, but it was clear to her it wasn’t going to have the expected effect. _You have no other choice._ There really was no better idea Amy could think of. Yes, maybe she was going to run out of the pills in a few days. But the most important days were just ahead of her. Worrying about being off them was a problem for another day. 

The bitter taste of disappointment pinched her tongue. Amy panicked for the short instance while the pills slid down her throat. How could she be letting everybody down like this? Letting _herself_ down. Amy shook her head, but her guilt would not go away. It would, in fact, only fade away slowly. 

A call from Joss forced Amy to delay her contemplation of her life while sitting in her messy room. Joss had asked Amy to get to the theater even though she was supposed to be free for the day. But it was some sort of emergency and they needed all hands on deck. Apparently, the storm had caused much bigger trouble than it had first seemed. 

Hope had texted Amy, to see if she was up for an event in the evening, at the headquarters of the magazine Hope worked for. “Is that like an exhibition?” 

“ _No, it’s, they’re, it’s more of an auction of pictures from the past season._ ”

“Wait. Like your pictures?” Amy’s mood had suddenly resurrected. All of a sudden socializing didn’t sound so bad at all. 

“ _Not only mine but yeah._ ”

“And you’re only telling me now?” Amy retorted outraged.

Amy heard Hope chuckle on the other side of the line, “ _I, I wasn’t planning on going_.”

“That, still, you hadn’t told me about them selling your photos in the first place. Why?” 

“ _It’s not as big of a deal as it sounds. But Rick said it would look bad if the photographers weren’t present, so._ ”

Amy knew exactly how big of a deal it was for Hope but didn’t expect her to admit that. For Hope didn’t like the attention when it came to her photography, yet Amy would see a rare kind of glow in the taller woman’s eyes when somebody complimented her pictures. Amy was actually surprised Hope would accept a job offer at a magazine but was proud that she did. “ _Hope_ ,” Amy said softly, “okay, I’ll pick out a dress, for both of us, and we’ll go. When do you get off work?”

“ _I can’t tell, you might have to arrive by yourself._ ”

“Oh, okay. What time?”

“ _I’ll text you when I know for sure if I don’t finish early._ ”

“Sure. I, I’m at the theater right now, but I will try and come up with something.”

“ _Isn’t it your day off?_ ”

“It was until Joss called me. Dude, the rainwater is everywhere, everything is soaked. There’s like a three percent chance the start of the next season doesn’t get postponed. Or worse.”

“ _Worse?_ ”

“The budget is pretty tight and with the delay… I might need to look for a new job.”

“ _I thought they needed you_.”

“They do, but once it comes to letting somebody go,” Amy trailed off. A momentary flash of realization weakened her certitude of her importance. 

“ _They_ need you, _Amy. They’re nothing without you. I can’t wait to see you, though._ ”

“We left the same bed this morning… But I can’t wait to see you either.”

“ _I’ve got to go. Text ya later._ ”

As Amy had found out two hours later, Hope was able to leave work. After picking Amy up at the theater, they drove to Amy’s, so she could grab a dress to wear, then went back to Hope’s apartment. 

“There’s so much chaos, everybody’s doing everything,” Hope complained about the preparations the magazine’s departments were going crazy over. She continued her rant, “I have no idea how they’re able to maintain putting out a magazine each month when they cannot properly organize one evening.”

“Zip me up, please,” Amy called on her outraged girlfriend. 

“Hey, I thought we were going to be matching.”

“You,” Amy turned around, “you want to go in matching colors?”

“We’re going together.”

“To an auction, not a wedding.”

Hope pouted, crossed her arms against her chest. 

“A-come on, I, I can’t reach it,” Amy showed her back again, but her plea wasn’t met. “Hope, this is the only dress I brought. Why didn’t you tell me you wanted to match when I was picking it out?”

“So it’s my fault?”

“Kind of,” Amy turned back again, just to see Hope have her nose all up, “you could pick something that can match _my_ dress then.”

“It’s not a funeral either,” Hope pointed out the fact that Amy’s dress was black. 

“Black is not a sad color, okay? It’s elegant and hot and I’m wearing it,” Amy stepped to Hope and kissed her on the lips. She saw Hope fighting a half-smile appearing on her face, so Amy went and kissed her again. And again, until Hope finally kissed her back. Amy wrapped her arms around Hope’s neck, while she firmly caressed Amy’s waist then pulled their bodies together. Once they parted lips, Amy whispered, “now zip me up, please.”

Hope bit her lower lip, “you’re such a tease.”

“Oh, you love this,” Amy turned around, hopefully for the last time.

“You know me too well,” Hope pulled the dress’ zipper up. With her hand she slid Amy’s hair aside, leaned down, and kissed the crook of Amy’s neck. 

“Hope.”

The taller woman kissed the same spot on Amy’s neck again. Amy turned around, kissed Hope, then proceeded to leave her girlfriends completely in awe by walking out of the room and to the bathroom with the words, “start getting ready.”

“Tonight you’re mine,” Hope yelled after her.

*  
*

Amy and Hope walked out of the elevator hand in hand. The whole floor was flooded with people. There was no wall which didn’t have pictures hung on it. Next to each photo was the name of the author and a short description. Underneath was a sheet of paper, where those who wanted to bid for the picture could write down how much they offered. 

Hope introduced Amy to most of her colleagues with whom they exchanged a few words. Amy was feeling genuinely good. While Hope had to go and talk to some people from a rival magazine, Amy stayed accompanied by Hope’s co-workers. 

As her sight glanced through the room, her eyes caught someone she didn’t expect to see at all. Her heart started pounding fast, she instantly grew nervous. Tommy was standing by the snack bar, seemingly enjoying himself in the company of a few people. Amy quickly excused herself and, keeping an eye out so Hope didn’t spot her, she walked up to Tommy and politely asked him to the side. 

“What the fuck, Tommy? Why are you here?” 

He was completely taken aback by seeing Amy there, “what? I mean, hello?”

“What are you doing here?”

“The auction What else?”

Amy retorted cynically, “oh, I don’t even know,” as if Tommy was supposed to know the answer to that. _Me, Tommy. Are you here because of me?_ She didn’t know how Tommy knew about her whereabouts, but Amy was convinced he was somehow trying to sabotage her. She grabbed Tommy’s forearm and, once giving the room a quick peek to see if somebody was watching them, Amy guided them into an empty office room.

“Is everything okay?”

“No, everything is not fucking okay.”

“So how can I help?”

“By leaving.”

“No. I came to enjoy the evening.”

Amy’s heart was racing, her eyes jumping back and forth from Tommy to the door. “What do you want?”

“To go back outside. My date is going to look for me and her seeing me exiting a room with another woman is a bad look,” Tommy stepped past Amy, but she was faster to grab him by the arm, stopping him from leaving.

“If you say _anything_ ,” Amy murmured suggestively. 

Tommy chuckled. He freed his arm and turned to Amy, “is that what this is about?” He let out another chuckle before assuring Amy, “I thought I’ve expressed myself clearly enough in the past. Do you think I would risk my own freedom like that? Come down to some catfight, just so, what, I can get you in trouble? What would be in that for me? You’re my client. Besides, I have no business in what you do with your life and how you’re going to fuck it up.”

“You know what, just go,” Amy felt sick while listening to him. Everything he had said was true, making Amy look like a downright idiot. Maybe him exposing Amy wasn’t what bothered her. He didn’t know anything. He was a bad seed, but he wasn’t a fool. Maybe the reason which bugged Amy about the situation, rooted in that seeing Tommy reminded her of the misdeeds she had conducted.

“Just, think about how you’re feeling _now_ and compare that with how you feel when you hang out with us. Sometimes you need to change the surroundings, leave the unprosperous environment, heal in a better place.”

“Like _your_ place?”

“Could be… that is up to you. You have to find the right place. Sometimes it’s a different city, like for Lexi for example, and sometimes it’s a _thing_ which can take you to places made up entirely of feelings, without you having to even leave your couch. It’s your choice. Why holding yourself back if it makes you feel better?”

By the time Tommy finished his little monologue, Amy had tears in the corners of her eyes. She stormed out of the office, no caution paid if somebody was behind the door or on the hall at all, and rushed to the restroom. She locked herself into one of the stalls then dropped onto the cold tiles.

It was just that easy for Tommy to get all into Amy’s mind. Just that conversation was enough to throw Amy off her balance. _No_ was the only word she kept repeating to herself in a loop, over and over again. _No_ , she wasn’t who Tommy thought she was. _No_ , she was happy enough where she was. _No_ , she didn’t need an escape. _No_ , she wasn’t messing up her life. And _no_ , she didn’t need drugs to make herself feel better. Amy’s mind then reminded her of the pills she took that afternoon. 

Feeling disgusted about herself, Amy leaned over the urinal, tried to make herself throw up, but stopped halfway, knowing fully well the pills had already been digested, already circulating in her system. She sat back onto the floor, leaned her back against the wall of the stall, crouched, squeezed her eyes shut. She then reopened them and through her wet eyes took a look around herself. _Look where you are. You’re sitting in a toilet stall, crying, while you’re supposed to be out there, supporting Hope, for whom this thing is fucking important even though she doesn’t tell you that because she knows you know that. Yet, here you are. You’re fucking weak, Amy. Is this how you want to live? Lying to everyone, to Hope, to yourself?_ Amy tried to think of why the plain existence of her relationship with Hope wasn’t enough. Why wasn’t Hope’s love enough? Amy wasn’t blaming Hope, that wasn’t it, rather she was disappointed in herself for being so broken that the love received was not helping. This is not right. It’s unfair to lay the base of your happiness on Hope or anybody for that matter. You need to deal with this on your own. So what? Was she supposed to break up with Hope? Heal and then restart? That wasn’t right. Amy loved Hope, more than anything. If Amy was to end things with Hope, there was an even lower chance she was going to get back onto her feet. 

Not knowing what to do was making Amy physically ill. But she also knew that if she didn’t do something soon, things were somehow going to come down to a bad ending. 

Yes, so what if what made her feel better was going out with sketchy people, whose carefreeness and free spirit fascinated Amy so much. With them she could just _be_ , exist, without having to explain every step she took. Yes, they were the people whose behaviour was most times so blithe, being under the influence of drugs. Still, it was something that liberated Amy to an extent that nothing else could. Not even… Knowing what the solution was and not acting on it was simply counterproductive. It was like having the perfect tool in front of her, but having her hands tied behind her back. And all it took to free her hands was letting all of her mental limitations go and finally breaking the chain bound around her soul.

But there was a part of her which made her question whether using this tool, while it was going to fix her, wasn’t going to destroy other things. After all, a hammer, too, could be used both for building things and wrecking them. 

Amy picked herself up and exited the stall. She could see her red eyes in the mirror, which now made her worry about others noticing it as well. Mainly Hope. There were two things she could’ve done: coming up with a lame excuse as to why her eyes were red, and later being questioned by Hope, or fleeing the scene while leaving Hope a message how she felt sick and went home. 

Amy grabbed her purse and took out the so well known zip lock. She took three pills out of it. _Is this your final decision?_ Amy took them, drank some tap water. She went back into the main hall. Drinking alcohol on the pills was probably not a good move, but when Amy was offered a glass of wine, she took the opportunity. _Anything to feel better,_ she thought and peeked at Hope across the room, as if she was unconsciously justifying her action of taking drugs by Hope being the reason for doing that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I re-read the fic a few days ago, along with chapters I haven't posted yet, and I got sad because I realized this is a really sad story and that it will only get more sad. Sorry.


	18. There's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow

_New York_

“Hey, hey Finn,” Amy was holding up a piece of shrimp, right up in Finn’s, Hope’s co-worker’s, face, “does it look like it has the shape of Europe? Not the Greek mythology one, the continent.”

Finn’s eyes widened, he started backing away from Amy. Hope immediately intervened, grabbing Amy’s hand, squishing the shrimp in her palm. “Amy, sweetie, what are you doing?” 

“Aww, did you hear that?” Amy asked Finn, who was, surprisingly, still standing next to the two of them, “she called me sweetie. She never calls me sweetie. That looked like Europe I swear… wait, I’ll find another one,“ Amy started reaching for the plate full of shrimp, but Hope stopped her.

“Is she okay?” Finn finally spoke up. 

Hope gave him a displeased look, “no, she’s fucking drunk, Finn. She was shoving shrimp into your face, does that _mean_ she’s okay? This is why nobody wanted to invite you.”

Hope wiped her hand into a napkin, removed all the shrimp remains off her palm. She initiated Amy to wipe her hands too, which she luckily did after Hope threatened her she wouldn’t hold her hand ever again. Once Hope quickly apologized to her boss for leaving so early, she and Amy walked to the elevator. 

“Where are we going?” Amy asked all innocently.

“Home,” Hope looked down at her phone. 

While Amy couldn’t really tell what her girlfriend was thinking, and despite being a little off from the pills, Amy became convinced Hope was angry. So she wrapped herself around Hope’s waist. 

“Are you mad at me?”

“No. Why would I be?”

“Because I’m a little,” Amy paused then added whispering, “drunk,” although that was not all she was, her mind functioned still well enough for her not to give away something she didn’t want Hope to know. 

“No.”

“Then why are you sad?”

“I’m not. I’m just tired,” Hope pecked the top of Amy’s head. 

“You’re sad.”

“Am not.”

Finally, they arrived at the ground floor. “We’re not going home,” Amy announced determined, “we’re going to cheer you up.”

Amy grabbed Hope’s hand and yanked her out of the elevator.

“Where are we going, Amy?” Hope sounded a little annoyed, but didn’t have any objections about Amy’s mysterious plan at first.

“To the park,” Amy called out once they had done the walking up four blocks. She was ready to storm into the Central Park but Hope pulled her back. “The park?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s dark, almost midnight, and not one soul in there.”

“Thank God, because what I’m about to show you, nobody else can see.”

“I’m sure you’re already shown me things nobody else has seen.”

“Come on,” Amy pulled Hope’s arm, but the taller girl body didn’t move an inch, “come… on… I… have to… show… you,” words were coming from Amy one by one, for she had to use up all of her strength and efforts to make her girlfriend’s body move.”

“Amy,” Hope pleaded.

“Please, for a minute. If you hate it, we can go home and I’ll give your back a little rub,” this still didn’t seem to completely convince Hope, “until you fall asleep.”

Ultimately, Hope gave in. When they entered the park, Amy felt Hope pulling her closer as they walked. 

“Where exactly are we going?”

“You’ll see… oh, there it is,” Amy pointed at a spot where a huge rock was lying, lighted by the street lamp, like a stage. Opposite to it was a bench, set up just perfectly, so whoever sat on it could see the rock. Amy sat Hope down, “wait here,” she said and skipped behind the rock, she’d known from her college years. Even wearing that uncomfortable dress, which she had cursed since the middle of the evening because it made her skin itch, Amy was easily able to climb the rock. Once she was up, with her head spinning lightly, and made sure she had all of Hope’s attention, she started singing, “Baby, it's been a long day, baby.”

Her performance was interrupted too soon by the one-person audience when Hope started giggling.

“Are you laughing at me?”

“You’re, you’re going to sing to me?” Hope asked a little mockingly.

“Yes?” Amy retorted. As if it wasn’t obvious when she started singing in the first place, “your favorite song.”

“That’s not my favorite song.”

“It is now,” Amy pronounced.

“You know that I’m going to laugh when you fall down, right?” 

Amy yelled loudly, “I am starting over now!” 

“Baby, it's been a long day, baby…. Things ain't been going my way, you know I need you here… You clear my mind all the time,” Amy dropped to her knees and with her clenched fist dramatically banged against her chest, where her heart was supposed to be, although at that moment Amy felt like she put all of it into the song. “And, baby, the way you move me, it's crazy… It's like you see right through me and make it easier… Believe me, you don't,” Amy looked down at Hope, who was covering her face with one hand, but still looking at Amy’s performance, “even,” Amy paused, then from the top of her lung, cried into the silence of the park, “have to try!” She stood up and lightly started swinging her body to the sides as if there was music playing.

“Nerd, you’re ruining the song,” Hope called on Amy, who was having a dramatic pause before yelling the chorus, completely ignoring Hope’s snarky comment. 

“Oh, because… You are the best thing,” Amy snapped her fingers to a melody only she could hear, then lowered her voice, “you are the best thing,” then yelled again, “you are the best thing,” and again imitating the vocals of background singers she didn’t have, in a low volume she sang, “you are the best thing, baby,” and finally, she yelled, “ever happened to me!”

“You’ve officially ruined the song for me.”

“Oh,” Amy climbed off the rock and rushed to walk around it, for Amy thought that Hope was going to leave before she got to her. Luckily, Hope was still sitting on the bench, with a huge grin on her face. It made Amy smile too and burst into singing again, “baby, we've come a long way-”

“No, no, stop,” Hope covered her face with her hands again. She peeked at Amy through the cracks of her fingers, as the shorter girl was slowly approaching her while singing.

“And, baby, you know I hope and I pray. That you believe me when I say,” when Amy was standing right in front of Hope, she reached for the sitting girl’s hand. First Hope didn’t notice, then when she did, she said, “are you, are you asking me to dance with you? Without music?” 

Amy only smiled.

“Will you stop singing if I stand up?” Hope rolled her eyes, but took Amy’s hand anyway, rose from her seat. 

Amy continued singing, “this love will never fade away.”

Hope groaned, wanted to walk away, but Amy hold onto her hand too tightly and pulled Hope back. Amy pulled Hope back to the bench. The shorter girl triumphantly stepped on it, being proud that for once she was taller than her girlfriend. The kiss they shared made Amy feel so ecstatic, her whole world suddenly started making sense. Who knew kissing was so euphoric while being on drugs. Kissing Hope was all Amy wanted to do. 

*  
*

Amy woke up to a horrendous pain in her knees. When she turned around to wrap an arm around Hope, she was disappointed to fall onto sheets without Hope in them.

“Hope?” 

Nothing. 

“Hope?” 

Nothing again. She was at Hope’s place, that Amy was sure of. Wait what day is it? Her heart skipped a beat. _Is it Friday? Oh shit_ , Amy panicked, for she had remembered Hope’s brother was supposed to be arriving on Friday. She checked her phone. It was only Thursday. _Crap. Oh, crap_ , her knees slowed her down. When she had a look at them Amy was reminded how she had completely wiped up that rock at the Central Park the previous night. 

In the kitchen, Amy found a note from Hope and some bottle. _I figured you’d be feeling your knees after last night; use the ointment. I had to go back to work, cleaning day it is. Carefully with those knees, LaMontagne._

Amy smiled at the note. Then the previous night really hit Amy. She spent thirty minutes sitting on the kitchen floor, despondently, gluing together her memories. The note Hope left sounded so, normal and nice. Hope leaving a note in the first place was a good sign. Because Amy had remembered everything from the previous night, she felt utterly embarrassed. Her trying to dance with Hope’s boss, bidding for all of Hope’s photos under the name Philip Dunecky, shoving shrimp into Finn’s face, singing for Hope at the park. Amy just couldn’t choose the most embarrassing thing from all of that. But then, Hope’s note didn’t sound mad or even passively angry. Amy didn’t know what it meant, maybe that Hope thought Amy was only drunk. _Of course, she doesn’t know about the pills, Amy._ She couldn’t decide if it was a good thing or a bad thing. Because if Amy was honest, she had a good time. And if Hope thought she was only drunk, then where was the problem?

Amy shook her head and threw the note back onto the kitchen isle. She grabbed the ointment and once comfortably seated herself on the couch, she rubbed it on her knees, which had all the colors of a galaxy. 

Her phone went off, but since sitting was so pleasant, and her phone was still in the bedroom, Amy shrugged and decided to ignore it. She turned on the TV and watched the crime investigation channel till noon. Her phone kept on ringing and ringing, so eventually, she had to go and get it. But when she saw that it was Joss calling, she turned the sound on her phone off. There was no way she was going to the theater. Not with those knees. _Not on this pretty day._ For some reason, a really nice and cheerful mood settled on Amy. Like, the sun was hiding behind a few dark clouds, but Amy’s mood was unbeatable. The only difficulty of her day were her knees. She went to look for some painkillers, which she found inside one of the drawers in the kitchen. She took a few, like three, for Amy figured she could use some more time of sleep, but knew she wasn’t able to fall asleep without some help. 

Her voluntary state of unconsciousness was interrupted by some sort of sound coming from somewhere. Amy unglued her eyes and was disoriented by where she was. She was on the couch. And her phone was buzzing on the glass table, right next to her head. She groaned angrily. 

It was Hope calling her. “Hm?”

“ _How are you feeling?_ ” 

“Uh, I’m-”

“ _Did I wake you?_ ”

“I was just, uh, napping.”

“ _Thought you had work._ ”

“I, my knees-”

Hope started giggling.

“Ha, ha, not funny, Hope.”

“ _Do you even remember-_ ”

“Yes, thank you for the reminder. What’s up?”

“ _Oh, I ran into Elle._ ”

Oh, no, Amy thought. The movie night. 

“ _When did we talk about a movie night at yours?_ ”

“We didn’t?”

“ _Thought so._ ”

“I’m not really in the mood, to be honest.”

“ _Well, she said you’ve already said yes, and I kinda want to go_.”

“Why?” Amy was surprised why Hope would want to spend time with her friends. 

“ _Just, for fun?_ ”

Amy groaned, “do we have to? I-”

“ _If it’s about last night, you have nothing to worry about_ ,” Hope playfully reassured Amy.

“No, they’re so annoying.”

“ _Well, I’m going, with or without you._ ”

“But why? We could be together instead. How about you come home, we cook something, cuddle.”

“ _Amy, that’s all we usually do._ ”

“And that’s not fun?”

“ _It is, but it’s becoming too stereotypical._ ”

“Boring.”

“ _Not boring, stereotypical, there’s a difference._ ”

“Okay, I don’t care.”

“ _You’re not getting mad at me right now._ ”

“No. I just don’t want to get into a boring fight with you. Do whatever.”

“ _Are you serious?_ ” Hope sounded a little offended, but Amy was still way too sleepy to care. Besides, it was Amy’s annoying friends they were talking about. Why couldn’t Hope hang out with her own friends? Huh, Amy thought for a second and realized she didn’t actually know any of Hope’s friends. 

“Yeah, I don’t care.”

Hope didn’t even say goodbye, just slammed the phone on Amy, who immediately fell back asleep. 

When she woke up again, it was already dark outside. It was barely 9 pm. And Amy was still all by herself in the apartment. Had Hope even been home? Did she come to get changed before heading for the movie night? Did she see Amy on the couch? _Probably not._ Amy didn’t feel as bad about the phone conversation from earlier with Hope as she was supposed to. She didn’t feel guilty at all. And she didn’t feel guilty about not feeling guilty either. She wanted to spend the evening with Hope, not with her friends, whom if Amy thought of it, weren’t that important friends. They hung out, yes, but only because they were living in the same apartment. 

She checked her phone, expecting unread messages and missed calls. Nothing. It didn’t bother Amy, but it did surprise her. Maybe Hope told everyone what an asshole Amy was and now they gossip about all the times Amy was an assholed to the rest of them. _Hope’s not like that._ Well, maybe Amy could go to her place, see how’s everyone doing, apologize to Hope perhaps. 

Amy dressed up slowly. Before leaving, she filled her newly garnered flask she had discovered in her purse, with some alcoholic beverage she found in Hope’s fridge but wasn’t too sure what it was. Amy popped two pills from her purse, leaving her with only three more before she ran out of them. She took a sip from the flask and considered herself to be ready to go. 

When she arrived at her place, laughter filled the apartment. 

“Oh, look, ha! I win,” when Amy walked into the living room, she watched Elle jump up from her seat and do a little victory dance. 

“Hey,” Amy said in a super laid back voice.

“Hope said you weren’t coming,” Lena spoke up. 

“Oh, did she now?” Amy turned her sigh at Hope, who was looking at her dissatisfied or disappointed it was. Who knows. Amy didn’t. And she didn’t care. “Hey, Tino, you, he saves lives, guys,” Amy’s attention span was short, as she got distracted by literally any little thing. She was too occupied with clicking the remote and getting ice one by one from the ice dispenser and asking everyone questions but not waiting for an answer. She was so occupied she didn’t realize everyone in the room was getting onto her, or at least getting the hunch that something was up with her. 

“What?” She asked when she saw everyone, except Hope, was looking at her. 

“Did you have a drink without us before coming here?” Elle shot the first shot. 

“Yes. I don’t know what it is though, it’s from your fridge,” Amy turned her head to Hope, whose brows raised when she realized it was addressed to her. Amy called out again, “oh, should we tell them?” 

Hope scowled, “there’s nothing to tell.”

Now Amy looked disappointed, “wha-but we, I thought we were.”

“Would you excuse us?” Hope stood up and waited for Amy to do the same.

“ _Oh_ , somebody is in trouble,” she said as she clumsily climbed over Tino. 

They walked into Amy’s room, left the door open ajar. Hope didn’t say anything just looked at Amy intensely and disapprovingly. 

“What?” Amy asked shyly. 

“I could ask you the same,” Hope was plain but still calm, “last night it was cute how quirky you were, really, I even found the whole park thing romantic. Then I call you today and you’re all bored and annoyed by everyone and you sound so down. And now you’re here, obviously on booze again, and give this act? What am I supposed to think?” 

Amy tried her best listening as Hope was giving her a lecture, but her eyes were pinpointing around her room, which was still so messy because she never finished cleaning it up. What was she going to do with all of that stuff? Where was she going to put it in their new, shared home? _Oh, right, the conversation_. Amy focused back to Hope. 

“I, um, I’m sorry, okay? I got, I don’t even know,” oh Amy knew exactly what. She was in a good mood and she was not having anybody giving her a hard time. Yes, she was annoyed with everyone, but she couldn’t help it when nobody understood her. Because nobody around was in a state she was in. And what did Hope even want to hear? Heartfelt apology? Which Amy meant none of? Was Amy supposed to lie? Make up an apology? 

“Forget it.”

Hope was starting to leave but Amy stopped her, “wait no, I’m sorry, I am. It’s just. I, I had such a good time last night and it reminded me of how cool it was during my college years. But it also freaked me out, because I haven’t felt that okay for a long time, and don’t take it personally, I feel good when I'm with you, but my mind, it, sometimes I can’t turn it off.”

“But alcohol is not how you fix this.”

“Yes, I know, it’s not, and that’s not what I’m trying to do. I’m not fixing things… I’m, just let me have this one, please.”

Hope rolled her eyes.

“Please?” 

“Fine. Next time, how about we sit down and talk?”

“We will, I promise, and thank you,” Amy reached up for a kiss, which didn’t at all taste so out-of-this-world like the ones from the previous night. 

When they returned into the living room, everyone was silent. “So,” spoke Elle, “are you going to tell us the thing?” 

Amy, saving herself from getting into trouble again, rather took a sip from her flask and see if Hope starts talking about their moving plans. To her surprise Hope did indeed speak up, “we’re going to move in together.”

Elle and Lena seemed a little shocked. “Where to?”

“My apartment.”

“When? And what about your place here, Amy?” Elle was full of questions. 

“In a couple of days. And I’m keeping this place, but you could look for somebody new if you wanted to.”

“My brother is coming for a visit for a few days and after, so, next weekend is a possible date.”

“Where does your brother live?” Tino asked curiously. 

“He’s in the army,” there were shyness and modesty in Hope’s voice.

“Tough,” Tino didn’t continue asking about it, seeing Hope wasn’t too comfortable talking about her brother.

“Yeah… Amy, uh,” Hope squeezed Amy’s hand to get her full attention, “are you free tomorrow morning?” 

“Why?”

“I have to to help Stella with one of her stories, and I need somebody to pick Xander up from the airport. Do you think you could? I wish I could, but I don’t want him having to spend hours by himself in the city until I finish.”

“It’s not like I don’t want to, but you know,” Amy whispered, “my knees,” but everyone still heard her, “I don’t know if I can drive.”

“Oh,” Hope let out disappointedly.

“I could drive you,” Tino offered.

“You would?” Hope’s eyes widened with excitement.

“Yeah. I have the whole weekend off.”

“That’s, I’m, thank you,” Hope didn’t know how to express her gratitude. 

Tino turned to Amy, “I will pick you up, call you when I’m here.”

“Cool, cool, dude.”

The night carried on in a good mood, with Amy getting distracted by everything on the screen when they finally started watching the movie. When that ended, Tino, Hope, and Elle got into a heated discussion about the plot holes of the movie, while Amy was asked by Lena if she could help her find one of her missing tops. 

Not understanding how Amy was supposed to know where Lena’s missing top could’ve been, she went and helped.

“So what color is this top?” 

“White… no red.”

“Which one?”

“Red, with white dots.”

“I can _not_ see you wearing something like that, to be honest.”

“Just keep looking.”

“Okay.”

“So, about this moving.”

“I know, I can’t wait to be already there. I will need a few hands though.”

“Sure thing… But I was thinking about, well, isn’t it a little sudden?”

“Quick?” Amy stopped digging through one of Lena’s drawers. 

“You’ve been together only a couple of short months and-”

“We’ve known each other since forever.”

“I know, but are you sure you’re both ready?”

“Yes, yes, we are.”

“It’s not like tomorrow you move in with Hope, then a week later you come back and it goes back to back.”

“I _know_ … but even if, why couldn’t it be? Why can’t I do whatever the fuck I want?”

“Because other people’s feelings are at stake, Amy.”

“I’m not stupid.”

“I’m worried you’re not ready for such a commitment.”

“Oh my God! You, you’ve always kept mothering me, but I don’t need that. I don’t need your worries, okay?” Amy stormed out of the room, through the hall into the living room, where everyone shut up hearing Amy yell, “I can make my own fucking decisions.”

Lena was right behind her, “I know you do, but this is not something you just dive into with a _‘we will see whatever happens’_ attitude.”

“I am done taking your shit or yours,” Amy pointed at Elle, who, having no clue what was going on, mouthed _‘what did I do’._ Amy continued, “we’re not even friends, I don’t give a fuck about what you think or how you think I should deal with my shit,” she grabbed her coat and purse, “you all just know what’s best for me, well, fuck you, that’s all I have to say.”

Amy stormed out of the apartment. As she skipped down the stairs, she could hear Hope’s voice calling her name, but she was too angry to stop and turn back or wait for her to catch up.

Instead, she grabbed her phone and dialed Tommy’s number. She wasn’t obliged to spend her time with people who didn’t understand her, her needs or the ways which made her feel comfortable in her own skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, hello, nuggets. I'm leaving for a vacation tomorrow, thus there won't be an update until like next Thursday (maybe). That is all I wanted you to know. You are all effin dope. 
> 
> p.s.: you can all add ray lamontagne's song 'you are the best thing' to the list of songs which now belong to Hope and Amy. you're welcome.


	19. Under a spell you're hypnotized

_New York_  
She had no recalls of how she’d returned home whatsoever, but Amy did wake in her own bed after spending the previous night at a club. When she looked at her phone, she was confronted by several missed calls. Finding out they were mostly all from Hope, a few from Tino, made Amy’s heart beat a little faster. _Why did she call eleven times? Did something happen? Is she in trouble? Or hurt? Fuck._ Amy dialed Hope’s number but it went straight to voicemail. Worried, but still sleepy and languid from the previous night, Amy struggled to leave her bed, more precisely, to escape from under the chain the bedsheets had her in. 

When she proceeded to get to her door and opened it she heard a bunch of voices, low and high, colored with mixed emotions, whose meanings Amy had trouble determining. She did recognize the voices though; it was Lena, Tino, and Hope. _Hope. So, she’s okay? Why did she call me but didn’t come see if I was in my room?_ It sounded as if the three of them were fighting, while not being able to agree if they wanted to do it loudly or not. Hope was almost inaudible from where Amy was standing, while Lena’s every other word had a squeaky pitch, that of those annoying birds Amy hated to listen to in the morning if the window was opened. Tino sounded neutral, Amy couldn’t make out his exact words, but it made her think he was perhaps trying to convince one of the women of something. 

Too curious to just remain standing in the doorway of her room, Amy started walking, following the voices, which lead her into the kitchen. When she stopped at a spot where everyone could see everyone, she let out an innocent, “what’s going on?” For Amy, her question was completely justified by the fact how strange it was, seeing Hope, Lena, and Tino argue. But her cluelessness was not met with sympathy from Lena or Hope’s part, even Tino deflected her attempts at receiving an answer, he avoided her sight completely. 

It was quiet for a deep five seconds. Amy scowled still not having an idea of what was happening. Trying to establish contact, she’d addressed her words directly at Hope, “I, I saw you called, what-”

“Don’t even bother,” Hope cut into her shy voice like a merciless sword. Giving her a cold shoulder, Hope walked past Amy, not even giving her girlfriend a second look. After thanking Tino once again, Hope left the apartment. 

Lena was opening her mouth, ready to say something but Amy stopped her with a harsh, “don’t,” and quickly ran after Hope.

“Wait, please. Hope,” Amy had a little difficulty walking down the stairs, morning dizziness caused that she was almost as if flying down the floors, taking four, even five, stairs at once. “Don’t leave, please, wait for me.” 

Amy was trying to think of reasons why Hope was angry with her because she’d seemed super pissed. _Why is she angry? Did I say something last night? Maybe it’s about the fight I had with Lena. Or something else. But what?_

To Amy’s surprise, Hope did stop right in front of the hall’s entrance. “ _You_ didn’t.”

“What?”

“Last night. You didn’t wait. Why should I?”

“I’m sorry-”

“Stop saying that,” Hope sounded to be losing her patience, which suddenly made Amy worry and realize just how serious the situation was.

“Saying what?”

“The apologies. You don’t even know what you’re sorry for.” 

“Last night I had a few too many drinks and I-”

Hope scoffed, her head did a little shake in disbelief. Amy’s heart dropped. She’d tried so hard to remember what happened the previous night. She did remember having a talk with Hope about alcohol not being the answer to things and then she had the fight with Lena, then left. Did something happen in between? _Fuck, Amy._ She was angry with herself for not remembering. Not even hanging out at the club with her new friends. 

“I can, I can explain,” Amy pleaded. 

Hope gave her a scrutinizing look and a sarcastic, “okay.”

“The fight I had with Lena it, she keeps bugging me and, I was so angry. I stormed out, I shouldn’t have, I should have turned back when you called for me, but I, I went out with a few friends and I had a few drinks and I might have even used something to chill a little, to switch off, but I swear, I came home at like two and I even tried to talk to Lena, apologize,” Amy trailed off when she traced no ease coming upon Hope’s face. Amy was desperate. First off, why did she even mention that she may had used something for relaxation? Secondly, why was she lying about when she got home when she had no recollection of it. _Why the lying, Amy? How does this make things any better for you?_

“I’m way too angry right now, I might say something I don’t mean. But instead of doing that, I’m going to leave you with your thoughts and _I_ will go and spend time with my brother.”

That moment, that moment hit Amy harder than a brick wall ever could have, “ _Hope_ , I-”

“Don’t,” the taller woman dismissed her and left the building. Not knowing what to do, run after her or not, even though Amy did open the door looking out onto the street, in the end, Amy didn’t leave the building. Hope had every right to be angry. Although Amy still had only scraps of memories of the previous evening, she was recalling a certain conversation about her going to the airport to pick Xander up.

Amy walked back upstairs while cursing at herself for messing it all up. Lena and Tino were still in the kitchen. They stopped talking when Amy appeared. She went to get a cup of coffee. 

“Can we talk?” Lena spoke to her. 

Amy didn’t answer. Being aware of the fight she and Lena had the previous evening, Amy knew what was to come. 

“Amy, what is going on with you?”

Amy turned around boggled, “me? This is all _your_ fault.”

“My fault? How? And why are you deflecting? We only want to make sure you’re okay, since,” Lena stopped talking seeing Amy sneering. 

“Yes, your fault, because if it wasn’t you and your need to lecture me about every single decision I make on my own, Hope wouldn’t be pissed at me,” deep down Amy was aware it was not Lena’s fault at all. But it was easier to blame her and the fight they had than to admit that Amy had ruined things for herself. 

“You know what? I’m, I’m done, Amy. I’ve been trying to talk to you, be there for you, but you’re… just, I’m done trying.”

Lena left the apartment, slamming the door behind herself, leaving Amy in the company of Tino. 

“Hey,” Amy was ready to literally yell at him, when she heard him speaking up, “please don’t be mad at her, she’s doing her best.”

“I don’t care. About her or this conversation.”

“Sure. I get it… you’re tired of everyone trying to control your life.”

“Please don’t analyze me.”

"I’m sorry… and it’s not like we are friends, we don’t have to be… just, consider me somebody whom you can call whenever no questions asked.”

Amy didn’t understand why Tino was being nice. She gave him a suspicious look.

“I will go now.”

“Tino?”

“Hm?”

“Did you, um, I’m really sorry, uh, and thank you for picking him up.”

“He didn’t expect anybody being there really. And don’t worry, you and Hope will be fine. You had a night out, it’s not a big deal if you ask me.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Amy said but knew it wasn’t true. Amy having a night out was a big deal. Because none of them knew what she was doing on her night out and because Tino didn’t know it wasn’t her first night out. It was a big deal. She had let Hope down. She let her down big time. Hope’s relationship with Xander was a special one, it was something quite important to Hope, which Amy was aware of.

The rest of the day Amy spent lying in her bed, crying and trying to reach Hope, even though she knew to give her some space was for the best. She was overthinking the previous evening, the fight they had, the things Hope said to her. All Amy could think of was the genuine disappointment in Hope’s eyes. She had to make it right, she needed to make sure Hope knew she cared. 

But Hope wasn’t answering and with each try Amy sunk deeper into a pit of despair. Why wasn’t Hope answering? Probably because she was with Xander. But even a harsh text, telling Amy to fuck off, would’ve given her some sign that their relationship wasn’t completely doomed. 

All of the thinking convinced Amy she had screwed everything up. Thinking that _and_ accepting it as a fact, Amy thought how there was no point in trying anymore. She was going to fuck it up in the end anyway. She knew it was only a matter of time. And maybe it was for the better. Now Amy could do whatever she wanted without having to fear she was going to hurt anybody. 

Throwing all the pity behind her, Amy got out of bed, into some fresh clothes, fixed her face, popped the last pills she had on her, and left for the life of the party. She didn’t have a particular place in mind to go to. She wanted to do some partying on her own before calling Tommy and his friends. Well, they were her friends too now. Her new friends. 

The first destination Amy visited was a rooftop pool party, she hadn’t been at since the beginning of college. There she had a few drinks, met a few people, danced with them. Then when things started complicating with one of the women at the bar, who started flirting with Amy, she quickly left. Although she reminded herself that she didn’t have to worry about cheating, because she and Hope were technically probably broken up, it still felt wrong. _You still have feelings, Amy, duh._

Then she went to the bar where Diego worked. Unfortunately, he wasn’t in that night. Didn’t stop Amy from having a drink by herself though. 

Around 3:30 am Amy received a text from Lexi. _Are you out tonight?_ It said. Amy called the girl and she was informed they were at the club they brought Amy the very first night she hung out with them. Amy took a cab to the place. 

“Wait, before we go back, I have this new thing. A friend from France brought it yesterday. It has an extra kick, so,” Tommy took out a sheet of what could’ve been paper, but Amy knew wasn’t, in the size of his palm. Around fifty silly colored tiny squares decorated it. For each of them, he tore off one square piece. A strange excitement filled Amy when she put her piece onto her tongue. 

Before she went inside, she asked Tommy aside, “do you have some of that stuff you gave me.”

“Yeah, sure, but that was-”

“I’ll pay for it, I know.”

“Right,” he gave her a plate of ten pills and Amy gave him the cash, “these are a little stronger, so don’t overdo it.”

“Okay,” Amy carefully put the pills into her bag. 

Within a few minutes of being inside the club, Amy lost a sense of time and space completely. She didn’t care for anything. Who was there, who wasn’t. What catastrophes were happening in the world or her life. Like she didn’t even remember it all. Like it never happened. As if that little square of a drug worked like an eraser. The only feeling she had was thirst. For a beverage and for affection. Liquid for smothering her thirst she found easily, but somebody to fill her hunger for intimacy was more difficult to find.

While dancing she bumped into a dark-haired woman. They started dancing, their bodies immediately found a common language. While being touched felt so ecstatic, when the dark-haired woman kissed her neck, a flash of an undefined bad feeling struck Amy. She gently pulled away but kept on dancing. Her mind was now occupied with trying to figure out why did that neck kiss feel so wrong. _You want this. What is wrong with me? Why does this feel so wrong? I’m… where is she? I need to find her. Is this her? No, she’s not here. But who is the one I need to find?_ Amy needed to find somebody but didn’t remember whom. The dark-haired woman came closer to her once more, kissing her on the lips this time. The taste was so strange, Amy quickly parted their lips. The dark-haired woman seemed to be satisfied, Amy less so. It was as if her mind was erased, but her body still remembered the past. She made her way through the crowd, to the booth which they were occupying. 

“Did you see her?” Amy kept asking everyone.

“See whom?”

“Her.”

“The movie?”

“No. She, the girl, I.”

“What girl?”

“She was, I don’t remember, but I know her.”

“What does she look like?”

“She’s hot and-”

“Is she famous?” 

“Not sure,” Amy was struggling like a fish on dry land. 

“Maybe I could give you something to help you remember?” Tommy suggested.

Amy shook her head, “I have to go, I have to find her,” and she walked out of the club. To her surprise, the could see the first rays of the sun. _The hell, what time is it? Wait, I have to find her._

And like that Amy walked up and down New York City, unsure where she was headed, but she made sure she had a good look at every person who would pass her, in case it was _her_. She spent two hours walking, then slowly her senses started coming back. She didn’t know how long had she been walking or why, but she could tell she was doing it aimlessly. It was 8 am when she checked her phone. She had a missed call from Lexi, whom she didn’t bother to call back. Finally, Amy took a cab home.

She took a shower, then got into bed, ready to get some sleep. But her phone went off. _Joss, shit, of course, I still have a job. Or not._ At that point, Amy was simply scared to answer to her boss, because she was scared to be yelled at. She just assumed she was fired and didn’t bother to think about it anymore. She was sure she was going to find a new job easily.

Then her phone started ringing again. It wasn’t Joss though; it was Hope.

“Hello?” She was hoping her voice didn’t sound too tired. 

“ _Hey._ ”

“Is everything okay?” _What do you think, Amy? Is everything okay?_

 _“Did I wake you up?”_ Hope asked humbly. 

“No.”

“ _Good… uh, would you want to grab breakfast with Xander and me?”_

“Oh,” the question took Amy by surprise, “sure I, I’d love to.”

“ _Meet us at Joseph Leonard’s at ten?”_

“I’ll be there,” Amy retorted obediently. Amy had to make up for how she’d behaved. She had to make up for everything. Because it was Hope she had been looking for. It was her the whole time. Maybe Amy will have the opportunity to talk to Hope, privately, and apologize, for real this time, meaning every word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter after returning from a vacation in Rome, running on no sleep for like 40 hours, so I hope you won't hate it too much. But anywayyy, two things I want to say:  
> (a) I watched the Netflix show Unbelievable, and let me say, Kaitlyn is so incredible in it. A huge trigger warning for anybody who hasn't seen it and plans to do so. I had trouble getting through a few of the scenes, which weren't as graphic, but still heavy;  
> (b) I also finally got to watch Ma, and phew... Diana Silvers, am I right? I was all heart-eyes throughout the whole movie.


	20. I just cannot manage to make it through the day

_New York_

Amy took a shower. Right after she dried herself, she took another one. One for the body and one for the mind. Although, she wasn’t able to wash away her thoughts and memories of her night. And oh Lord, did she want to forget it all. She felt like getting a headache from all the overthinking. But letting a stream of boiling water shower down her back did not rid her of all last night’s wrongful assumptions nor of the kiss she shared with the dark-haired woman. The myriad nerve endings under her skin were starting to get irritated; burning her skin. Amy reached her hand and slowly switched from hot to cold. A tiny gasp escaped her lips as the cold water cooled her burnt back. She looked right into the eye of the stream, turning her head to the ceiling. Amy hoped the cold water was somewhat going to wake her up and keep her up while she’s with Hope and Xander. Amy couldn’t afford another fuck up. 

The lack of sleep with the combination of her activities from the night unnerved Amy a little. She had a few concerns about being able to function properly. What if Hope was going to notice, which then will make her change her mind about the meeting, and decides to send Amy home? 

Amy left the house with worries. She also had a little voice in the back of her head, making her paranoid about the kiss. What if she, with her damned luck, runs into the dark-haired woman? Whom, on second thought, she couldn’t quite recall. She couldn’t remember how the woman looked, but she was scared that when she kissed Hope, if she was ever going to do so again, of course, the tall woman will _know._

As she was waiting in front of Joseph Leonard’s, Amy made sure to check her phone every thirty seconds. She expected a text from Hope saying she had changed her mind and didn’t want to see Amy ever again. Her worries were debunked when she saw Hope walking towards her in the company of a guy. He was almost the same height as Hope, blonde, and even with a puffy jacket on, Amy could tell he was in excellent shape. Well, he had to be anyway, he was in the army after all. 

It felt like a few months back when the two of them reunited in New York City. 

“Hey,” Amy let out with excitement. 

“Hey,” Hope greeted her humbly, Xander waved two fingers, “greetings.”

There settled an awkward second, then Hope grabbed the opportunity to introduce the two of them, “this, uh, Amy, my brother, Xander.”  
They shook hands, exchanged smiles. “Nice meeting you, _finally_ ,” Xander said snidely, “so, I think I saw a newsstand across the street over there. I’ll be right back.”

And like that Xander walked up the street in the same direction he and Hope came from only a minute earlier. Hope watched him for a few moments, then turned to Amy, who couldn’t not stare at her. She just wanted to wrap herself around Hope and have Hope’s arms around her. 

“Hey,” Hope started what Amy thought was going to be the start of a fight, “I’m glad you came.”

“Of course I did,” Amy was confused. Did Hope think Amy was not going to show up?

“I felt so bad yesterday after I left, I-”

“No, don’t, I mean, you shouldn’t,” Amy wanted to grab Hope’s hand, reassure the taller woman that she had every right to feel mad at her, but she didn’t know if she should, “I messed up. I did. I regret it. I’m _genuinely_ sorry. Just, sometimes I, my day is going so great and then there is this one small inconvenience or a big one, and it’s flipping tables on the inside. It’s not an excuse, I know, just hard to control.”

“Maybe,” to Amy’s surprise, Hope reached for her hand and pulled her closer, “we haven’t talked that much lately, even when we were together and… maybe we could try doing that. Just… talking.”

“Yeah, we, we could,” Amy smiled. _Just talk_. Yes, Amy, it’s that simple. But talk about what? Suddenly, talking didn’t seem such a good idea, for Amy feared confrontation might turn up at some point during their talk. Confrontation about where Amy goes and what she does when she disappears into the night. But that wasn’t the only topic which scared Amy to talk about. In fact, everything that came to her mind scared her. 

“You know,” Hope peeked behind her back, then turned back to Amy, “he’s _not_ coming back until he sees we’ve made up,” she pulled Amy into a hug.

Amy questioned Hope’s intimacy, “does this mean I wouldn’t get a hug if he wasn’t watching?” 

“Maybe,” Hope said teasingly. Amy looked up at her with raised brows. She wasn’t sure if Hope was being serious or not. But then the taller woman connected their lips, with a deep, hungry kiss convincing Amy of the genuineness of her intimacy. 

Amy was a little worried Hope told Xander the whole story and how now he knew she was a complete asshole to his sister. She was hoping there was not going to be a situation when she is left with him by herself. 

The breakfast went surprisingly well; no embarrassing or uncomfortable topics had come up. And Amy was doing okay too, despite being awake for twenty-nine hours and counting. She was proud of herself but grew less happy when Xander proposed for the three of them to go and do something _fun_ together. 

“Sure, have you got something in mind?” Amy was eager to find out what possible activity was she going to have to buckle her last functioning brain cells up. 

“You two know the city much better.”

“Okay, but what do you want to do?” Hope tried to find out some preference from him.

“Uh, you know me… I’m fine with whatever.”

Amy pretended as if she was thinking about a place to go to, but in reality, she was trying really hard to stay awake. She definitely wasn’t going to tell Hope she had stayed out all night, but she also didn’t want to say she didn’t want to spend the day with them. 

“How about Battery Park? A little bit of green, a little bit of ocean, and people,” Hope suggested. 

“Sure, why not.”

“Amy?”

“Yeah. We can go there… I’ll just, I’ll go pay and-”

“No, please,” Xander rushed to stand up, “breakfast’s on me,” he announced and walked to the bar counter to get the check. 

“Are you okay?” Reaching across the table, Hope gently placed her hand over Amy’s. 

“Yes, I,” Amy slowly pulled her hand out from under Hope’s, worried the taller woman might feel one of the shiver waves that had been coming over Amy in the past half hour, “I will go and find the restroom quickly. I’ll be right back.”

“We’ll wait for you outside.”

Amy started panicking the moment she locked herself inside one of the bathroom stalls. _Shit, shit, shit, shit_. She was sure her weariness was too visible and that Hope was somehow figuring it all out. How was she going to do any more hours awake? Time was pushing her, she had to think fast. Her sight dropped down to her bag. She let out a deep, shaky breath. _Amy, no_. But Amy had no better idea. _Think, think. Worst case scenario? What could happen if I… maybe I ́ll get sick or faint? That’s not so bad… wait, what if they take me to a hospital? They will find out I took something, oh God, oh God_. Amy started hyperventilating, which she had to forcefully stop when she heard the restroom’s door open. 

Amy grabbed her bag, took out the thin plate filled with pills and popped one out. She threw it under her tongue and exited the restrooms. “Excuse me,” she asked the barista for a glass of water, which she used to help the pill down her throat. Not wanting to keep Hope and Xander waiting any much longer, Amy finally reunited with them outside. 

There was a strange transition of moods in Amy, while they took the metro to get to Battery Park. When the metro doors opened, it was like the freshest air Amy had ever had in her lungs, despite how much the underpass actually stank. A shock of energy struck Amy in a snap of a finger.

She boldly went and grabbed Hope’s hand, intertwined their fingers, when they reached the top of the stairs. Hope pulled her in, they shared a quick peck on the lips, while Xander walked ahead of them, giving them some sort of privacy. 

Xander was nothing Amy had imagined. He was talkative, polite, funny, and he was good at determining when to speak up if the situation of an awkward silence occurred. Once they had walked almost every inch of the park, Hope suggested they get some coffee. She went to get one for everyone from the coffee stand nearby. Amy and Xander sat on a bench which directly looked over at the stand. 

“I’m sorry for the inconvenience,” he apologized. 

“Which one?” Amy joked.

“That you had to postpone the move-in.”

“ _Oh_ , no, don’t worry.”

“I’m just happy I’m here. Who knows when do I get to visit again… if I get to.”

“Don’t say that, you’re,” Amy wanted to comfort him, but understood it was a serious matter and there wasn’t really anything she could’ve said which would’ve made the seriousness of those things even a little lighter. 

“No, that’s okay,” he chuckled, “you cannot even imagine how many times I’ve gotten into a situation where I thought, ‘ _this is it, the moment_ ’. And then many times I didn’t even have the time to think about that because sometimes things happen so fast, everything falls apart,” his sight glanced up at Hope, who was standing with her back facing them, “I am her big brother, but she, she could always take care of herself much better than I ever could. She always stood up to our parents and I always ran. That’s how I ended up in the army.”

“How come?” 

“The relationship with our parents is a complicated one, I’d rather not go into details, but I figured, why not the army. It was the last thing they wanted for me. They rather dreamt of this immaculate, smart-ass boy, who somehow becomes the founder of a big corporation before the age of twenty-eight. They do have an unrealistic view of the world, I know,” he chuckled, “and then I thought, well, I’ll join the army, mainly to spite them, and also to be sent off to the other side of the world, be as far from them as possible. Of course, that included being away from Hope. She blames them for it.”

“You don’t even talk to them anymore?”

“Nah, not talk, I write them a letter once a year. Never get an answer, though.”

“Well, I’m, I don’t really know what to say. I don’t know what you two must’ve gone through. Hope had told me a few things, but it’s like as if she had had it all erased from her memory. Like it didn’t matter… or happen.”

“Yeah… Living your life as if you were looking down at yourself, you are able to act and make decisions without feelings. But there is a price to this _depersonalization_ , which you only realize when it’s too late.”

Amy knew his words would stick with her. She didn’t fully understand if he was talking about himself or Hope or both of them. Regardless, it was a scary thought. And what sort of price did he mean? “Have you considered, uh, coming home for good?”

“I have… but then I think of how difficult it would be, to get used to everything being like _this_ ,” he motioned at the things that had surrounded them. The people enjoying their free time, the nice sounds, the park. “I don’t, I wouldn’t even have a place to go to. I can’t imagine starting from scratch.”

“You’re not alone. You have Hope.”

“No. I could not live knowing that I might put her through hell because I might, I might not. I can’t know for sure and I love her way too much to _give it a try and see_.”

Before Amy could say anything further, Hope came back with the coffee. She took a seat between the two of them. “What should we do next?”

Amy wanted to thank them for the fun time and say she was going home, but she also wanted to stay. She was too indecisive.

Xander had a suggestion, “I think I saw a poster at the airport, a place called Rockwood Music Hall. We could check it out? Have you been there?”

Both Amy and Hope said a ‘ _no_ ’ in unison. So they agreed they’d go there but grab something to eat first. It took them a while, but they found the right place. As they were entering, Amy’s phone went off. “I’ll take this outside, be right there with you.”

“Okay.”

She watched Hope and Xander through the glass windows; they took a seat closer to the center of the room. 

“Hello?”

“ _Hello, this is Andrea Linton and I speak on behalf of the Linton Realtor Agency, Headquarters in Los Angeles. I’m contacting you about the house you’ve inherited a few months ago. It has come to our attention that you do not live there and the house is empty at the moment, is that correct?_ ”

“What?” Amy was confused. Who was this woman? What sort of realtor agency hunts down their clients like this? How did they know nobody lived in the house?

“ _If you let us handle the sell, we will make sure to have your best interest._ ”

“How, wha- how do you have my number? Who told you about the house?”

“ _We were contacted by relatives, who wished to be helpful. We would like to schedule a meeting. Does next Tuesday suit you?_ ”

“No, I,” Amy started hyperventilating, the phone dropped from her ear. The whole street was spinning around and she couldn’t breathe. She peeked inside the restaurant, saw Hope was sitting at the table by herself, her face buried into the menu. 

Without a second thought Amy walked away from the window, away from the restaurant, disappeared in the crowd. She didn’t know where she was going, but knew she had to go.


	21. Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for drug use.

_Present day_

Amy’s phone bounced off the bed and landed on the floor. It didn’t break but made a loud thud. 

“What’s going on?” Molly’s suspicious voice echoed from the other room. 

“ _Nothing_ … I dropped my phone,” Amy responded despondently, “sorry,” she was supposed to be getting ready, dress up, do her make up, but she was too distracted. She couldn’t reach Hope on the phone. Considering their fight from the other day, it was understandable that she didn’t want to talk to Amy, but Amy very much wanted to talk to her. Mainly after she had found out Hope went through some hard things which Amy had no idea of. 

“Amy?” Annabelle popped in, all dressed up, “Molly?”

“Yeah?” Within a few seconds, Molly was there too, “you owe me five bucks,” Annabelle said snidely to her. 

In the car, on their way to the high school’s building, Amy tried calling Hope again. A hand suddenly came between her eyes and the screen of her phone. When Amy looked up, Molly was giving her a disapproving look. 

“Molly, no.”

“Don’t you want to enjoy the evening?”

“Honestly? No. And I think I made that clear when I said I didn’t want to come while the two of you were trying to dress me up like a doll.”

“If she hasn’t answered your calls by now, what makes you think she’s going to answer your seventy-seventh try? But you might still have a chance with her at the reunion, in person.”

“What if she changed her mind and won’t show up?”

“She will. Trust me”

Amy let out a bitchy, “fine.”

“Now, the phone, please.”

“I promise I won’t call her again.”

“It’s only a precaution. For your own good.”

Amy rolled her eyes and handed Molly her phone, who put it away into her purse. 

The gym had transformed into a ballroom, which didn’t have a specific theme but was still astonishing. For a moment, Amy even cared about it, let herself be carried away by the view, then her interest rapidly dropped, once she spotted the people inside. She was reminded just how many people she had forgotten about and how many of those people seemed to be much happier with where they were with their lives. 

“I can’t believe we’re the only ones without a date,” Annabelle complained. As they made their way to their table, since everyone had a seat assigned to them, both Annabelle and Molly had their eyes sneaking around, spying, learning who came with whom. 

“Most people here are married to the person they brought,” Amy observed several hands with rings on them.

“I could’ve grabbed the first gorgeous person on the street and pay them to pretend to be my partner for one evening. Like they do in the movies,” Annabelle suggested an idea Amy would’ve never considered. Then she thought of the fact how she didn't ́t know if Hope was bringing somebody. Sure the other day she did imply she wasn’t seeing anybody, but maybe she thought of the same thing Annabelle did. What if Hope asked a stranger to pretend to be her date? _No, she wouldn’t… why would she?_ Amy would know immediately it is only pretend. And Hope would not lie to her. Unless… how much does concealing particular facts count as a lie? Because after bumping into Hope’s mom, finding out the hurtful truth about Xander’s death, Amy was convinced there were other things Hope hadn’t told her. 

The three of them took a seat and waited for the room to fill with more people. After twenty minutes, Julien came up to their table. “There are only three more people who haven’t shown up yet, but RSVPd. Do we wait or do you want to start?”

Amy had her neck stuck out the whole time, trying to spot Hope. She wasn’t in her seat nor among the people by the bar. 

Molly gave Amy a concerned look, then told Julien they’d wait ten more minutes. “Relax. She’ll show up. ”

“How do you kn- ,” Amy didn’t even have to finish her sentence when finally, she saw Hope enter. And maybe nobody else was paying attention to her, she sure was the only thing Amy saw. She wore a short, ocean blue, sleeveless dress, a part of her back was revealed by a V shape reaching down to the middle of it. A soft ‘woah’ escaped Amy’s mouth. 

“Amy,” Molly whispered, “you’re staring.”

“Wha-what?” Amy eliminated everything and everyone in the room. She didn’t care about them. She didn’t care at all. Amy wanted to get up from her seat, run up to Hope. Amy felt as if she had not appreciated enough Hope’s beauty back when they were together. She wanted to fix that. And many other things. Because now she knew what her toxic traits were and worked them out. _I’m in love with her. Woah, what.. Wait. Do I really? D-do I still? Oh, shit._ Amy exhaled shakily. 

“Are you okay?” Molly fully turned to her, as did Annabelle, who didn’t know everything but knew enough to listen and know what was going on. 

“No. It was all a mistake,” Amy grew nervous because she was being overwhelmed by feelings. 

“What was?”

“Everything. Me coming to LA. _Sleeping_ with her-”

“What?!” Both Molly and Annabelle exclaimed in unison. 

“I mean no, it wasn’t, but I have to tell her how I feel, I,” Amy was standing up, but Molly pulled her back down.

“No! You, listen,” Molly tried to get Amy’s attention, but she was too distracted with her own determination to talk to Hope. “Amy!” Molly called her name a little more aggressively, which finally got Amy to look at her.

“What, Molly? I, I _have_ to tell her. Stop holding me back.”

“Listen to me for a minute. You can’t just jump her, Amy. She’s like, she’s like a shy doe. We haven’t even started the evening. Now, I’m going to get on that low-budget stage, greet everyone and wish them a pleasant evening. Then you can try and approach Hope with a simple _‘hey’_ and _‘how’s it goin’_ and try to earn her trust. Look, I get you. I do. You have feelings and that is okay. But you need to try and contain them, let them out slowly. The only thing you’re going to achieve, by going there now and dumping an avalanche of emotions and thoughts on her, is pushing her further away.”

Everything Molly said made perfect sense; without patience, Amy had no chance at succeeding at talking to Hope. Amy nodded her head, “yes, okay, got it.”

“Can I trust that you won’t sprint to her once I leave my seat?”

“Yes, dude, I’m not a child. I understood, okay?”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got my eyes on her,” Annabelle assured Molly that Amy was in good hands. 

Molly, making Annabelle promise to stop Amy if she tried to leave the table, walked on the small stage, created only for the reunion. With one ear, Amy listened to her with disinterest, while her eyes were set on Hope, sitting three tables from them. The taller woman seemed to be just as detached from the whole scene as Amy was. She wondered what was going through Hope’s mind. Because Amy’s was occupied with the anxious need to talk to Hope. Was Hope thinking about Amy? _Or somebody else?_ Or just about wanting to leave? Amy thought that if she took her eyes off Hope only for a fraction of a second, the taller woman would not be there the next. She would vanish like morning fog. 

Finally, Molly finished her speech. As she was getting off stage, she was approached by a few people. Amy groaned at the sight of it.

“Relax,” Annabelle tried making conversation, “look,” she nodded at the bar, “she won’t be leaving that soon,” referring to Hope standing there. 

Molly, all laughs and cheers, finally walked back to the table; started telling Annabelle something about one of their classmates, but the words weren’t getting to Amy. 

“Amy?” 

“Hm?”

“Okay, just go already,” Molly green-lighted Amy going up to Hope. The taller woman was standing by the bar, with all her beauty and tallness, waiting for her drink. Amy skipped across the dance floor, then slowed her pace once getting closer. 

She let out a soft, “hey,” immediately fearing Hope didn’t hear her because of the music. She was about to repeat herself when Hope turned around.

“A drink?”

Amy shook her head, “no thank you, I shouldn’t, can’t, uh,” Amy got flustered, for she had never told Hope about the times she went to rehab after New York or how she wasn’t really supposed to drink alcohol. 

“Okay,” Hope said bluntly. Her drink finally arrived. She took a thirsty sip of it.

“Nice what they’ve done with the place, huh… who would’ve thought ten years ago we were suffering through gym classes in here.”

“Yeah I… I don’t even know why I’m here,” Hope confessed. Amy was going to say how she felt the same way but gave Hope space, let her speak, “I don’t fucking remember anybody and anybody remembers me. And I honestly don’t even care,” she made herself chuckle. 

“That’s not true.”

“Which part?” Hope raised a brow. 

“The remembering,” Amy subtly hinted, herding their conversation to where Amy wanted it to go. But her expectation of Hope not revealing her aim was unfulfilled. The taller woman rolled her eyes, let out a scoff. So instead of saying the predictable, Amy suggested instead, “do you want to dance?”

Hope gave an impressed look, “ _you_ want to dance? Really? Making up for senior year, are we?” 

Amy didn’t expect Hope being so snarky or to bring up the past, especially something so old like Amy’s wrongdoing of not being around during senior prom. “Okay, I deserved that.”

“It was a sad day.”

“It wasn’t on purpose,” it wasn’t an excuse Amy was trying to voice, rather she wasn’t sure how to converse with Hope. High school all over again, huh. 

“It’s never on purpose with you, is it?” 

Amy was getting more confused about Hope’s attitude. Confused and hurt a little. “I don’t-”

“I’m sorry… I was an asshole.”

“What?” Amy was taken by surprise by the unexpected confession from Hope’s part. 

“Well, now and… the other day. I misread things and I said a few things I shouldn’t have, I’m sorry,” Hope’s apology broke Amy’s heart. Did Hope think Amy didn’t have feelings for her anymore, while she did for Amy? Did she think Amy was over her? Did she think that was why Amy didn’t want to spend the day with her after the night they had sex? Because she didn’t have feelings? Well, maybe that day Amy didn’t _know_ , wasn’t sure of her feelings. 

There was so much Amy wanted to say. She wished all of the words magically appearing on a paper for Hope to read because Amy wasn’t enough to say them aloud. She wanted to tell Hope she was still in love, she was, that was the truth. She also wanted to apologize for everything that had happened in New York. She wanted Hope to know she was sorry. She wanted to tell Hope she was willing to do everything to earn her trust. She also wanted to apologize for not being there when Xander died. She wanted to tell her she regretted how she had dealt with the death of her parents. She wanted to thank Hope for being there even though now, in retrospect, Amy understood how hard it must’ve been. 

“No, you, didn-”

“Amy! Hope!” Amy was interrupted by Jared, who appeared out of nowhere. He stepped between them, giving both of them a huge side hug. Amy wanted to push him far away but didn’t want to be rude. “Ladies, I’ve missed ya. How has it been going?”

“I think you want to take your arm off my shoulder,” Hope said to Jared warningly.

“Why?” 

“Precaution.”

“ _O-kay_ ,” he removed his arm off both of them, “I actually came to escort you,” referring to Hope, “to those lads over there,” Jared pointed at a few people across from them.

“Oh?” Hope was confused, but went with Jared, leaving Amy standing there by herself, without even looking back at her. 

It all happened so fast, Amy couldn’t even tell Jared to piss off. With anger and frustration, Amy exited the gym and yelled aloud, “fuck!” 

The music was blasting loudly enough for nobody being able to hear her. And even so, she didn’t care. She decided to walk around the school a bit. She thought it would bring old memories back, but she could scarcely remember anything. She entered one of the old restrooms. Unfortunately, soon Amy realized she wasn’t alone. She heard laughing; male voices.

“Hey,” Nick’s head appeared, “Amy,” he invited her into a hug, which she accepted, but made sure is quickly over. 

“Hey,” she nodded at Theo and some other guy she didn’t recognize, but didn’t bother to find out his name.

“Sup?” 

“Nothing much, just memories and all.”

“Totally, we’ve just talked about how much easier were the high school days.”

“Well,” Amy didn’t want to agree, but disagree either. High school wasn’t that bad. But in her current state of mind, being reminded of the happy days she had with Hope did no good. 

“You, uh, you won’t tell on us, right? I’m guessing Molly is still… Molly. She would definitely freak out.”

“Why? What are you guys,” Amy trailed off when Theo stepped away from the sink, which made her realize what were they doing in there, “oh,” she took a step back. She naively thought he meant not telling Molly they were ditching the socialization in the gym, not doing drugs in a restroom. 

“Wait, wait,” Nick reached for her, “do you want to,” he said suggestively. 

Amy scowled. Was he seriously offering her drugs? It was definitely _not_ the direction Amy thought the night was going to take. 

“Fresh snowflakes,” Theo corroborated when he was done with his line. 

Amy’s heartbeat accelerated, lips and mouth dried, hands started shaking. _No_. She thought, but couldn’t say the word. _No, I don’t._ She had never done these drugs. She didn’t know how they made a person feel. _No_. She didn’t want to know. She only ever did pills, which might’ve had the same effect, but in her perception were less bad. She was clean. She had been for three years and she was proud of herself. And maybe things were still just as shit as six years back, falling back was not going to solve anything. _Or maybe this one time, just this one. To feel something again_. Amy couldn’t recall the feeling of the heights the drugs were able to take her to. She tried looking for it in other places, tried remembering how it felt. Ashamed that she still clung onto it, yet every now and then her mind would wander to bad places of temptation. 

The moment she opened her mouth to speak up, her voice was cut by the restroom’s door being swung open by Julien, “Amy! Finally! Molly’s looking for you.”

“I, I’ll be right there,” Amy expected Julien to just leave, so she could be tempted for a little bit more. Unfortunately, Julien wasn’t leaving without her. 

Only on her way back to the gym, entering it, seeing Hope and Molly and Annabelle, made Amy realize just how thin the ice under her feet was. How little it could’ve taken for her to ruin everything, _again_.


	22. The nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day

_Present day_

Amy was trying to keep her thoughts grounded, but she was having difficulties doing so by herself. She had to leave the room, the noise of the music and people chatting, the people. She took her phone with her and only when she was finally outside in the hall was she able to properly breathe again. 

“Sorry for calling at this time,” she apologized in advance, not being quite sure about the exact time in New York City.

“ _Amy. I’m listening._ ”

It was kind of obvious that her call was going to be answered and that the answer was going to be a kind and accepting one. “I, I’m at the reunion.”

“ _That’s tonight? Okay._ ”

“I almost did something, but I didn’t, but I’m afraid I might,” her voice got suddenly shaky, as did her hand, so she rubbed it against her bare thigh. 

“ _So you didn’t?_ ”

“No, but I almost-”

“ _First off, take a deep breath._ ”

Hearing her sponsor’s voice was more soothing than Amy had imagined it would be. Amy took a deep breath. She heard her sponsor speak from the other side of the line again, “ _now walk me through what happened._ ”

“I was, um, walking around the school and I somehow ran into a few classmates, well, you know, from back in the day, well… and they were doing uh, doing coke and one of them asked me if I wanted and I, uh, I hesitated,” at that moment Amy broke down. 

“ _Amy, listen to me, Amy._ ”

“Yeah, I’m here, listening.”

“ _You hesitated, but didn’t take any, right?_ ”

“Yeah, no, I, I didn’t, but-”

“ _That’s what counts, okay?_ ”

“I didn’t but you don’t get it, I, I didn’t take any because we got interrupted… I’m,” Amy had to pause for a second, “my friends were looking for me, but what if they weren’t? What if I… I was going to say… I’m scared, I’m so alone here, Oliver, I.”

“ _You’re not alone. You have your friends, but you need to talk to them. If you have doubts about yourself, you ask them for help, for them to keep an eye on you. It’s not happening because you’re weak. You’ve been clean for three years now. Everyone has a weak moment but it’s twice as dangerous and hard for those who are doing their best to stay clean._ ”

“I know, I know, I just, I really can’t do this. I shouldn’t have come here, everything’s coming back and I can’t stop myself from thinking.”

“ _Why did you want to take them?_ ”

“What?”

“ _What were your thoughts when they offered you the drugs? Why did you think it was the only option you had?_ ” 

“I,” Amy had a million reasons in mind but none at all at the same time, “I think I just wanted to remember how to feel. I’ve been, uh, overwhelmed by so much these past few days that I guess, it scared me, you know. Like the only thing that would help me was using something again.”

“ _But it’s not._ ”

“No, it’s not.”

“ _Where are you right now?_ ”

“In the hall, I’m, just by the lockers.”

“ _There are a few things you can do. You could go back inside, talk to your friends, and still try to make the best of the night. You could also go talk to your friends, tell them you’re leaving, catch the first flight to New York, and I’ll be there to pick you up at the airport._ ”

“I don’t know, I,” there was so much Amy wanted to do before leaving LA for good. She had to talk to Hope. And just as the thought of the girl crossed her mind, she saw Hope exiting the gym. Even in the dim light, she could tell it was Hope. But Amy was less happy to see her being accompanied by some guys. Amy couldn’t say who they were, but they were all leaving the school’s building. Her heart started racing, for she had a really bad feeling about the situation. “I, I think I will go back and talk to my friends, try to distract myself, but I, I, can I call you later?”

“ _Yes. You need to call me later, Amy._ ”

Amy hung up and followed the little crowd outside through the front entrance. She only caught a glimpse of them turning the corner, so that was where she followed them. When she caught up to them, she saw Hope, Nick, Theo, and some other guy standing under one of the street lights. _Oh, fuck_ , Amy saw Theo squatting down after he pulled something out of the pocket of his jacket. He placed the object on his thighs. Amy couldn’t just watch and wait what happens, she approached them. “Hey,” she called on them in a hostile tone. 

Nick was the first to turn around, soon Hope did too, probably recognizing Amy’s voice. “Hey, Amy,” Nick stepped to her with his arms wide open, ready to give her a hug, which Amy dismissed. “Did you change your mind?” He asked her while pointing at Theo.

Amy scowled, “what the fuck, dude?”

“What?”

“Are you serious?” Amy had a complete change of attitude. Having the slightest possibility of Hope having the intention of using drugs freaked Amy out.

“Why? Relax, it’s not a big deal. Doesn’t make you an addict,” Nick’s comment hit too close to home for Amy, but of course, he had no way to know about her past. 

To that, Amy heard Hope speak up, “Nick, stop.” 

When Amy looked at Hope, she saw the taller woman being uncomfortable, might’ve felt bad about what Nick said to Amy because she knew the exact opposite was the truth. 

“Wha-What is up with the two of you?”

Amy ignored him and turned her full attention to Hope instead, “what are you doing here? Are you seriously going to do this shit?”

“What if I am? I don’t owe you an explanation.”

“This is what you’re doing now?”

“What do you want me to say? It’s none of your business, Amy. We’re not anything anymore. Just go away, okay?”

Although Hope’s words were hurtful, Amy was convinced the taller woman didn’t mean them, “no. I’m not leaving.”

Nick stepped in, “I think she wants you-”

“You don’t know batshit about anything, dude.”

“Amy, please,” Hope pleaded in a softer voice; it sounded as if she wanted Amy gone but felt bad for sending her away, knowing it would hurt Amy. 

“No, Hope. I’m done leaving or covering my eyes from the truth, thinking it’s going to protect me… If there is something going on with you, I need you to tell me.”

Hope walked past Amy, started walking away from them. Amy called after her, “why didn’t you tell me about Xander?” Suddenly, Amy was overwhelmed with courage. All her thoughts were clear, she knew exactly what she wanted to say to Hope. 

Hope stopped and slowly turned around. She was seemingly taken by surprise by the confrontation, “how do you… No, you can’t, I’m not doing this. Not here and not with you,” Hope started making her way towards the school’s entrance again. 

“Hope, wait… don’t walk away, please,” Amy rushed after her.

“Why?” Hope called aloud when she turned around mid-step, “what do you have to say? What do you want _me_ to say?”

“The truth,” Amy paused, hesitated if she should say whatever was lying on her heart, “I… I don’t know what happened… in New York. I know it was my fault, but I don’t remember how it happened. That night… it’s a blur, Hope. I don’t care how difficult it is for you to talk about it and I don’t care how difficult it will be to listen to it. I need you to tell me because there is nobody else who could.”

Hope was quiet, nervously avoiding Amy’s sight. But at least she wasn’t walking away, so Amy continued talking, convincing the taller woman to speak up, “I’m ready to tell you everything. You have the right to know about all the things I did in New York, things you have no idea about. In return, I’m asking of _you_ to be honest with _me_.” 

Amy saw tears rolling down the taller woman’s cheeks. Finally, Hope spoke up, “what if what I tell you will change everything? What if it changes the way you look at me?”

At that moment, Amy understood Hope was scared. She wondered if it was because she still had feelings for Amy or cared for her in some way. “We’re scared of the same thing,” Amy admitted her fear of being alienated from the taller woman because of what she had to tell her about the things she had done in the past. 

Hope peeked behind Amy’s back, then looked back at Amy, “can we leave here?”

Amy’s brows rose in surprise, “where to?”

“Doesn’t matter… just, away,” Hope pulled the car keys out of her pocket, grasped them firmly in her palm. She waited for Amy to respond, but the shorter girl froze down. _Wasn’t this what you wanted?_ Amy was a little bit skeptical, thinking Hope was somehow going to end up misdirecting whatever conversation they would start at whatever place they were going to end up at. But Amy wanted to talk, more than anything. She was ready to tell Hope how she felt, how she missed her, how she craved her touch, how she wanted Hope to be there for her and be there for Hope, how it was Hope whom she would always love. What Amy wasn’t ready for was hearing Hope say how she had moved on. Amy didn’t want to know if Hope had feelings for her or not, because it was easier to live in uncertainty but still have faith, than hear words of rejection, which would shatter her to pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel so bad for not updating for almost two weeks and even now I gave you a short chapter. But I have been feeling so mentally drained lately because I'm still working on my thesis and by the end of the day, I barely have the energy to write the fic, so pretty please be patient with me. *cries*


	23. What's been happening in your world?

_New York_

Hyperventilating and like a lost soul unaware where it belongs, Amy wandered around the city. She wasn’t sure where to go. While guilt about leaving the restaurant like that was pulling her back a little, Amy couldn’t go back. There was no way she causing problems, ruining Xander’s stay, bothering Hope with this panic which she didn’t even know why came over her. 

Amy wandered around the city for a little longer, until she realized Tommy’s apartment was a street away. She knocked and knocked, but nobody was answering the door. As insane as it was, Amy had tried to pick the lock and to her biggest surprise, she had succeeded. She made sure, once inside, that nobody was home, for there was still the possibility, they were all knocked out to hear the knocking. But no. The place was completely empty. 

When Amy walked into the living room, she was shocked to see the walls covered with photographs. Hope’s photographs. The photographs which were weeks earlier put up for auction at the magazine’s event. All of Hope’s photographs from the auction were in Tommy’s apartment. Why did he buy all of them? Why would he want to possess all of them? Maybe one or two, but why all? Amy grew angry, convinced Tommy had a plan to somehow ruin her life, to mess with her. Why he would do that was a mystery, but Amy was sure he did.

Amy was both furious and sad. Ultimately, her anger won her over. It was as though something had possessed her. Soon she was throwing the cutlery all over the kitchen, breaking plates, kicking down the big Tv in the living room. Every movable object she threw on the floor. She then picked up a knife lying around on the floor and ripped the couch right open, as she did the pillows. The last thing she did was cutting a single line in every canvas with Hope’s photographs. She wasn’t hurting Hope, that wasn’t her intention. In fact, Amy wasn’t thinking at that moment at all. Only once she drove all her rage away, when she sat on the destroyed couch and looked around the trashed apartment, did Amy realize what she had done. Tears started rolling down her cheeks. She took her phone out and dialed Hope’s number. The girl wasn’t answering so, Amy decided to leave a voicemail, “Hope, I… tell Xander I’m uh, sorry for… but I,” Amy took a deep breath, “a woman called me and she, uh, she was asking about the house,” she swallowed a wave of the breakdown coming onto her, “in LA. She asked if I, uh, wanted to sell it and I, she reminded me how,” Amy had to take another moment, but she couldn’t say the words aloud, only whispering could come out, “how things are too real, Hope, and I, I’m really sorry,” not being able to continue, Amy hung up. 

Her instincts were telling her to leave the place as soon as possible. Who knows what Tommy would’ve done if he found her there, with the apartment in that state. But before she left, Amy went into the kitchen and approached the fridge. She stepped to its side, squat down and with her hand reached underneath the cold box. It was Tommy’s stash, he hid most of the pills he had on him there. First Amy hesitated if she should take them all or only a few. But when she heard noises coming from somewhere on the street, she panicked and stuffed the whole pack of approximately a hundred pills into her bag. 

Nothing was making sense. And why was Amy filled with so much anger and confusion? Maybe it was the lack of sleep, maybe it was everything. She kept her teary sight on the pavement as she walked down the street. Just like earlier, she didn’t know where she was headed to. She was aching for a place that she didn’t know where was or if it had even existed. She didn’t know where to look for it or if it wasn’t too late for her to find it. Nothing she had thought of felt quite right. It was stupid because the more she looked the less the could see. It was like Amy dove headfirst into quicksand. And she was scared shitless. 

At last, she had returned home. It was dark, empty, and quiet, except for the sound of rain coming from outside. Amy sat on the couch, tried to make sense of what had happened. _Tommy’s going to kill me._ The pills. Amy wanted to go and take them back, but it was too late for such things. Tommy must’ve already discovered the wreck part of his apartment had become. _What do I do?_ Amy was clueless as to what to do with the drugs. Keeping them was not an option. While Amy was sure Tommy was not going to call the cops, he could’ve still tipped them off about drugs being in Amy’s possession. 

Amy was ready to get up and flush them. All of it. But her plans were interrupted by a knock on the front door. _Tommy._ Amy panicked. What if he had everything figured out and now he was there to get his stuff back? _Just give them back. You can explain it to him, he’ll understand._ There was another knock. To the very last second, Amy hesitated to answer it. But her actions came with consequences. And if it was being threatened or beat up by Tommy and his friends, then so be it. 

Amy walked to the front door and opened it. She was breathless for the second she had to take to realize there was no threat awaiting her in the hall. Then her heart sank because she had to realize it was Hope. She was standing there soaking wet, with water dripping from her hair. Amy had never seen so much despair in one’s look than in the one Hope gave her when they locked eyes. It was the same moment Amy broke down. 

“I’m sor-ry,” her voice cracked as she covered her face into her palm. Soon she was wrapped in a tight hug. She was convinced she heard Hope sniffle. Amy was scared to look up, for she feared she would see Hope crying. And that would’ve broken her heart completely. She cared so much about the taller woman, but there she was, making her cry, giving her the same cheap apology. 

“I came here as soon as I listened to the voicemail. Amy, why didn’t you come and talk to me?” Hope questioned Amy once they both went inside the apartment and sat on the couch. 

“I, I didn’t want to uh… I’m sure now Xander thinks I’m an asshole.”

“No, he doesn’t. Don’t, don’t worry about him. _Why_ didn’t you talk to me?” 

“I, I’ve just said I didn’t want-”

“You still could’ve come inside and asked me aside. Told me what happened. But you left. Without a word.”

“Are you mad?”

“No, I’m not mad. You’re my girlfriend, Amy. I’ll never be mad at you. Not the way I get mad at other people’s idiocy. Not the way I get mad at myself.”

“What?” 

“I, I’m mad at myself for not being enough. For… I’m trying so hard to be there for you and I feel like it’s somehow my fault that you’re disappearing.”

“No, none of this is your fault, okay? I’m not disappearing, I’m here.”

“No, you’re not. You just can’t see it. And I can’t blame you for being like that, for keeping certain things to yourself. I respect that… but I’m worried about you… I don’t know anything about what’s going on with you. And I’m angry because I don’t know how to help you if you don’t talk to me. Because those things you don’t talk to me about are certainly what is taking you away from me. And,” Hope paused for a second, “I don’t know how much longer can I watch you fade away.”

At that moment, Amy realized just how bad she had fucked things up. Did she really not notice being distant, _disappearing?_ Did she have Hope wonder of just where she was on all those nights she had disappeared to have her fun with Tommy? None of it was worth it. None of the feeling good, the dancing, talking to strangers, forgetting all that bothered her mind and heart. None of those things were worth it if it meant she was hurting Hope. And now, the way Hope talked… Amy was sure she was going to break up with her at any second. And Amy couldn’t speak. She didn’t know what to say. Start convincing the taller woman to give her another chance? Amy was clear with the fact that she did not deserve a second chance. She did bad things and now she had to suffer the consequences. 

Hope reached for Amy’s hand. All Amy could say was a soft, “I love you.” Hope gently removed a lock of hair out of Amy’s face, cupped Amy’s cheek in her palm, then said, “I love you too, but,” she paused and added whisperingly, “love is just not enough anymore.”

Amy felt a tear roll down her cheek. It was the end, she could already hear Hope say those words. _We should break up. I can’t do this._

“You have to start dealing with things. And not the way you’ve been doing so far. I’m not asking you to tell me about that, I don’t know if I want to know. And I can’t force you to do things you’re not ready for, I know. Because you said you needed to do it at your own pace, your own way. But look where that got us.”

Did Hope have a hunch about her drug problem? Is that what she was referring to? Regardless of what she had in mind, everything she had said was true. It was time for Amy to start standing up to her demons. With a shaky voice, she asked, “how can I fix this?” 

“Start with taking care of yourself, Ames.”

“What about us?” Amy asked, thinking the conversation could still somehow lead to a break-up. _There’s no us. You have to do this by yourself._

“What do you mean? This, hey,” Hope squeezed Amy’s hand,“I’m not going anywhere, okay? We’ll get through this. Together.”


	24. The cracks in blackout blinds

_New York_

“Are you sure about this?” Hope stopped before the first step. 

“Yeah, I’m, I have to be. I should’ve done this a long time ago,” Amy’s heart was pounding so loud, she could barely hear her own words. She felt like not being ready one minute, then ready the next. 

Hope gave Amy a passionate kiss for encouragement, then let her walk into the building. She said she would be waiting outside by the time Amy is done with her session. 

As Amy was walking to the room where she was supposed to meet up with doctor Thomas, she was focusing on not having any thoughts at all. She kept repeating one word over and over again until it lost its meaning. _Bubblegum. Bubblegum. Bubblegum_. It didn’t matter what the word was as long it kept Amy’s mind away from convincing herself to turn around and leave the building, not show up for the session, then lie to Hope. 

Doctor Thomas’ door opened the moment Amy arrived in front of it. “Ah, Amy, come in.”

_Bubblegum. Bubblegum._ Amy repeated as she walked inside the room. She was seated in a comfortable chair and across from her sat the doctor.

“When we spoke, you said something along the words of being ready to finally talk,” the doctor reminded Amy of the awkward phone call she made, to get an appointment, “what is it exactly that you’ve been holding back?”

“I, uh, my parents… they died almost six months ago and um, I guess, it’s time for me to start being okay with it.”

“So you’ve never spoken about it to anybody?”

“Not exactly, I, on the contrary… I, I’ve done everything to avoid even thinking about it… And I went to a few group sittings, but I, I feel like it’s not enough in the long run.”

“What made you pick the phone up and come here?”

“As I’ve said, I think, um, it’s time for me to finally start letting all that’s been suffocating me to just… leave.”

The hour passed faster than Amy had expected. Walking out of the doctor’s office, Amy was taking each step with the thought of being proud of herself. _It wasn’t that bad… well, it might get better with time._ She scheduled another appointment for the following week. 

Hope was sitting on the stairs, outside the building, waiting for Amy. Amy threw herself around the taller woman’s neck. She held onto it so tightly, she feared she was going to crush Hope. 

“Is everything okay?” She asked. 

“Yeah.”

Hand in hand, the two of them walked back to Hope’s place, well… _their_ place to be more exact. Hope insisted on Amy moving in right away after their big talk. Amy even spoke to Xander, apologized to him, explained what happened. He was as understanding as his sister and when he was leaving he repeated his words about him being glad that his sister had found somebody like Amy. In the end, slowly starting to give up holding back her emotions was releasing. 

A voicemail was awaiting Amy.

“See,” Hope snuggled into Amy’s side while they cuddled on the couch, “I told you they’d call you back,” she expressed how right she was about Amy applying to one of the jobs she had found online. 

Amy smiled, but a wave of panic rushed through her. She never spoke to Joss or replied to her texts or calls since, well, she couldn’t even tell. She never showed up at the theater either and did her best to never walk anywhere near it. And now she was applying for a new job. It was scary, but she was proud of herself. And she was also proud because she was somehow able to stop taking those pills. It took her two weeks to gradually come off of them, but she did it. She was clean for a week and she wasn’t feeling dizzy or tired or lifeless or unmotivated. She felt confident and was starting to gain back her confidence about where her life was headed or where she wanted it to go. She also had to give a lot of credit to therapy, but it was still her who had to do all the mental fight with herself. And even though she had only started private sessions that day, the few times she attended the group therapy did help a lot.

“What should we do today?” Hope asked. 

“We could watch a movie, we could bake a cake or a pie. We also could go out… I guess I could call Lena if they wanted to join us. We could just stay here on the couch, eventually falling asleep, with you numbing half of my body.”

“Hmm, what else?” 

“Wha-was that not enough of suggestions?” Amy raised her head to get a better look at Hope, who in return kissed Amy’s sarcastic outrage away. 

“We should go out. Some of the people at the magazine were talking about a place that has its grand opening tonight. They’re serving fancy food and personalized cocktails.”

“Fancy food and cocktails it is then,” Amy kissed Hope back. 

They both got all dressed up, then caught a cab, while Hope found out the exact address of their destination. The bar opening was a complete bummer. It was small, could fit in there probably thirty people, the music was boring, and the drinks they were served tasted more like water than alcohol. They soon left the bar and decided to take a walk, see if they stumble upon a nicer place, maybe quieter one. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever walked these streets,” Amy noted. 

“I’ve only been to a few of the buildings, their rooftops at least, took a few pictures.”

Amy was suddenly pulled back, she was turned around by Hope, who was wearing a big, genuine smile. “What?” Amy asked as she was clueless what had gotten into the taller one. 

“I want to take your picture.” 

Amy blushed, “I-”

“Amy!” 

Amy was interrupted by a voice calling her name. First she didn’t recognize it, but when she turned around, she grew nervous. It was Tommy and his friends. Amy hadn’t seen them in a few weeks. She grew even more nervous when she realized Hope was there too. Meeting Tommy, whom Amy believed was going to spill about her to Hope. Amy tried to find a good excuse to flee the situation as soon as possible. 

“Tommy, hey,” Amy faked a smile. She pulled Hope closer to her, for comfort, but it wasn’t helping. Her guilt over trashing Tommy’s apartment was making her tremble. 

“Haven’t seen you in a while. How’s it going? Hey,” he greeted Hope with a smug face, “I know you,” he told her.

But before Hope would have interacted with him, Amy jumped in, “everything’s cool, yeah, an-and with you?”

His eyes went back to Amy, she could see he could sense her being all tense. 

“Yeah, all good. Where are you guys headed to?”

“Just, just walking around. Maybe have some wine. We should go have some wine, huh?” Amy turned to Hope, who was completely confused. 

“You should join us. We’re going to get some drinks, dance a bit.”

“No thanks, we, we’re good,” Amy retorted. 

To Amy’s surprise, Hope asked, “is the place you’re going nearby?” 

“Just ‘round the corner.”

Amy panicked. What was Hope thinking? Her girlfriend pulled her aside, “we could go with them. You know them right?”

“Yeah, I, a little, I guess.”

“We don’t know the neighborhood, they do. We could just leave their company if we get bored or tired. What do you say?”

_To go with them? This is a trap, Hope. I just cannot tell you about it._ If Amy started being weird, Hope was going to get suspicious, which was going to lead to confrontation and lying was the last thing Amy wanted to do, especially to Hope. But Amy was scared Hope would start asking questions as to where she knew Tommy from. And what if Hope and Tommy would somehow end up having a conversation and Tommy would tell Hope about everything? 

Amy had a feeling that whatever her answer was going to be, the night was going to end badly.


	25. There's all those places we used to go

_Present day_

Being aware of Hope having several glasses of alcoholic beverages throughout the evening, Amy asked for the taller woman to give her the car keys. While Hope wasn’t showing any signs of being drunk, Amy had no intention of letting the woman sit behind the steering wheel. 

“No, I can drive,” Hope insisted as the two of them were walking to the parking lot. 

“I’m sure you can, but you shouldn’t.”

Amy was a few steps ahead and stood in front of the driver’s seat’s door, blocking Hope from getting in. 

“Are you seriously not gonna let me drive?” Hope asked cynically. Amy saw her lower lip shaking, her sight dropped down to the taller woman’s hands and she saw them shaking too. Amy shook her head and held her hand up for Hope to hand her the keys. 

“Fine,” Hope gave in while rolling her eyes, then walking around the car. 

Amy wasn’t sure where to drive them, so first she just drove around the city. Both quiet, probably too busy being deep inside their own thoughts, unsure how to start the conversation. 

As they were taking a right turn, Amy heard Hope speak up, “do you remember Molly’s birthday?” 

“Which one?”

“Senior year.”

“I’d be lying if I said I did… why?” Amy was curious what Hope was going to tell her about. 

“It was the first time she was genuinely nice to me. She apologized for misjudging me and… she said she was happy for us… I still think about all the fun we had back then, in high school.”

There wasn’t a right response Amy could think of. It wasn’t what she wanted to talk about, but then she knew the two of them had to start somewhere. And while Amy was so eager to finally find out what was going on with Hope, she remembered Molly’s words and tried to hold herself back.

Hope continued, “lately I’ve been thinking a lot, trying to decide if I’ve ever been happy,” Hope let out a chuckle, then added, “maybe I just don’t remember what it feels like to be happy.” 

Amy’s heart skipped a beat. Hearing Hope was like remembering her own thoughts from the troubled times in New York. It filled Amy with worries. 

“Why didn’t you call me?” Amy asked, repeated her question before Hope could give her an answer, “why didn’t you call me when he died?” Amy gave Hope a quick peek. The woman on the passenger’s seat had her head bowed, nervously playing with the hem of her dress. Amy reached over and placed her right hand over Hope’s. 

“I couldn’t… there was no way I was going to put you through,” Hope didn’t finish her sentence for some reason. 

“Put me through what? What I put you through after my parents died?” 

“What?” Hope sounded both confused and outraged, “you didn’t put me through anything back then… it’s… you, you have no idea, Amy.”

“I think I do,” Amy said, convinced her fears were true. That Hope was on the same path Amy was back in New York. 

“No, you don’t,” Hope repeated herself in a harsher tone.

“Then why? Did you lie? Were or _are_ you blaming me for that night? Is that why?”

“No. It wasn’t your fault. I’ve already told you, okay? Can we drop it?”

“No, because I feel guilty and me not remembering what exactly happened does not make it easier for me to move on,” Amy confessed, “and your mom thinks it was my fault too.”

“You spoke to my mom?” Hope asked softly.

“Yeah, we, we ran into each other at the store yesterday. She had quite an opinion about me.”

“She, she has no idea about anything, so whatever she said… don’t take her words to heart.”

“You never told her about New York?”

“No.”

“But just how far from the truth was she when she confessed to me how she thinks my actions had almost cost you your life?”

“ _Amy_.”

“No, I’m genuinely asking you this, Hope. The only person who knows the truth is you, there’s nobody else I could ask. I don’t know how it happened. I remember getting to the hospital, arguing with a nurse, and fighting the security guy, but not how we ended up there,” Amy’s voice cracked a little, “how am I supposed to apologize to you? I have this image in front of me… of you lying there and I… I, sometimes I’m still trying to make up a good plan of what I was supposed to do. I wasn’t at my senses, Hope. At all. It’s _you_ who doesn’t know about things. I need you to tell me what happened before I tell you how the things I did, led up to it.”

“It was an accident, Amy. It wasn’t your fault,” Hope took Amy’s hand into hers

“Hope, _please_ ,” Amy pleaded with tears in her eyes.

“Okay,” the woman finally agreed to talk, “we… We went out that evening.”

“Yeah, I remember that. We ran into Tommy,” that name had a bitter taste in Amy’s mouth. 

“He was convincing us to join him and his friends. I didn’t know them, you said you did.”

As Hope started giving Amy back memories she had never possessed, Amy parked the car in a parking lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey sweeties! I apologize for being MIA for so long. My only excuse is that school and family drama are slowly eating me alive lol but no worries, I'm back and the next chapter is going to reveal the big mystery of what happened THAT night. It's not definite, but it might have a trigger warning. So buckle up!


	26. Mad sounds in your ears make you feel alright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: drug use ... also: sadness.
> 
> While I was writing this chapter I was listening to Lord Huron's "the night we met" on repeat, so maybe listen to that a few times just to get into a mood for this chapter.

_New York_

Amy was everything but happy about walking into a club with Tommy and his friends. She didn’t claim them to be her friends anymore. Not with Hope around anyway… or even without her. Amy was simply over all the past events and things she experienced with those people. She believed neither of them was going to talk about it. It gave her anxiety, actually, the possibility of being exposed at any second. 

Hope gave her a concerned look, making Amy realize she had been squeezing the taller woman’s hand too tightly. Which was a very easy way to give herself away, now wasn’t it? 

“The first round is on me,” Tommy announced, then asked everyone what drinks should he get. 

“I’m good,” Hope refused the offer with a smile, she wrapped her arm around Amy protectively.

Tommy looked at her doubtfully, “you sure?”

“Yeah,” she said, still with a smile on.

“Amy?” Tommy turned his attention to her. Before she could say she didn’t feel like drinking either, Tommy went, “the usual?” To this, Amy’s eyes widened, for she didn’t know what did he exactly mean by _the usual._

“Whatever,” she retorted, “I’ll have whatever you have.”

Tommy smiled smugly, then walked away from them, right to the bar. While he was getting their orders, Lexi and Jude walked over to them. Amy introduced them to Hope, not mentioning the fact how she woke up by Lexi’s side several times in the past (and hoping Lexi wouldn’t bother to make a comment about it either).

“Wanna go dancing?” Jude suggested.

Amy gave Hope a desperate look, but apparently, not desperate enough for the taller one to read it as _‘I don’t want to be here, let’s get the hell out’._ Or maybe all it took was for Amy to open her damn mouth and tell Hope she wanted to leave. But that wasn’t happening, because Amy was, for some reason, unable to talk all of a sudden. 

“I mean,” Amy shrugged, “if you want to,” she looked Hope straight in the eyes. It was a mystery why but it calmed Amy down a little. 

“Yeah, why not,” Hope smiled, wrapped her arm around Amy’s neck, and they all walked onto the dance floor.

Soon Tommy arrived with their drinks. He handed Amy hers with the words, “we got the two of us something very special,” then he winked suggestively. 

Amy’s heart skipped a beat, she quickly grabbed him by the arm and pulled him to the side. “What the fuck is in it?” She was convinced he had put something in her drink. Maybe all of their drinks.

“Relax. It’s not what you think. Although, I have with me something,” he winked again. 

“No, dude, fuck you, I’m not doing that shit anymore, okay? Here,” she handed the glass back to him, “and you better not tell _her_ anything,” Amy was about to walk back to Hope, tell her she’d had enough, but Tommy stopped her, “it’s not what you think. I’m friends with the bartender and they have a special liquor they don’t usually serve. There’s no reason for you to freak out.”

Amy hesitated for a second, switching her sight from the glass to Tommy’s eyes. Ultimately, she took the glass and took a sip. It was bitter, but not bad.

“You sure you don’t want something though?” Tommy tempted her. 

“No!” Amy yelled at him. 

“It’s not that strong, she won’t notice,” he was assuring Amy, but she had her doubts. She’d been clean for a while and she was proud of herself. Although, saying she was completely okay, was a stretch. It was painful to admit, but she did get a wave of an urge to take something. But she was able to hold herself back. One, because she didn’t even have a thing to take that would’ve killed her thirst for a moment of high. Secondly, she made a deal with herself how she wasn’t going to use ever again. Because she was strong, she was doing therapy, she was starting to figure her life out, sorting things out, and most importantly, she had Hope. It was breaking Amy’s heart, but that was the truth: she was far from being okay, she was too far from being able to function without taking drugs. 

“Fine,” she whispered. 

“What?” 

Obviously, Tommy didn’t hear her mumbling from the loud music. But Amy had seemed to be having difficulties saying the word aloud. She took a deep breath, then said, “fine.”

Tommy smirked. He reached into the front pocket of his pants and pulled out a little zip lock filled with pills. He gave one to Amy, who helped it down with a sip of her drink. They both went back onto the dance floor. Hope gave Amy a confused look. Not knowing what to say, not wanting to say anything in the first place, instead of talking Amy went in for a long kiss. And while Amy knew Hope probably hated the taste of alcohol on her lips, it was the only thing she could think of doing at that moment.

It took about two and a half songs for the pills to kick in. Her sight was blurred a little and she could tell she moved in a weird way but didn’t care. She wasn’t even sure where the glass she was holding had gone, for it wasn’t in her hand anymore. She was just feeling the music and her mind had become a void where nothing mattered again. It took Amy dancing through three more songs for her to notice she did not recognize any of the people around her. She was confused. With a slight head spin, she walked over to one of the nearest tables, excused her way atop of the table, stood on it, and tried to have a look around. Unfortunately, she couldn’t tell one face apart from the other. She was looking only for one particular one, Hope’s. Amy started panicking. She climbed off the table and rushed through the crowd to the bar. 

“Hey!” She waved at one of the bartenders.

“What can I get you?” She asked.

“Not-nothing, I’m looking for my girl, um, she, I kind of got separated from them, uh, this guy, uh, Tommy, he-”

“Yeah, Tommy, he was here at the bar like five minutes ago. Was talking to a girl.”

“Tall? The girl, was she tall?”

“Yeah, I guess. He bought her a drink, then left. She left after him.”

“What? Like, together? They left together?”  
The bartender shook her head, “separately. The girl emptied her glass first.”

“So she, she went outside?”

“I’m not sure. I had to take an order, so I didn’t see if she left the club, but she was making her way to the exit,” she said and nodded to the exit’s direction.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I need to find Hope. Hope. Hope. Where is she? Why did she leave?_

Amy was going up and down the club for a solid five minutes, checking every table, through the dance floor, to the bathrooms, even the men’s. But Hope was nowhere to be found. Not knowing what to do, Amy decided to go and check outside, maybe Hope was only getting some fresh air. 

Walking up the stairs was causing Amy some difficulties, but did arrive at the top of them at last, and finally exited the club. The air was quite cold. Three men were standing by the door, smoking, and chatting. 

Amy stepped to them, “hey, have you, uh, have you seen a girl, a tall girl, leaving?”

“A girl walked outside with us,” the tallest one of them said, “she crossed the street, then disappeared somewhere,” he added. 

_Disappeared_. What did that even mean? Did she simply leave? Or did she get into a cab? What if she got into a car with a stranger? But why would she? Was it even Hope? What if Hope was still inside? Why would she leave without telling Amy? They came together, she wouldn’t have left alone. Amy was sure something was wrong, but couldn’t figure out what. She was trying so hard. The more she thought of Hope, the more she panicked about not knowing where she was. 

“Everything alright?” The other guy smoking asked Amy, who was standing there, unable to decide what to do. 

She turned to them, “yes, it’s, I’ll just go and look for her, uh,” then she started making her way across the street. Cars were parked by the side of the road on both sides. 

When Amy got to the other side of the street, she had to slide between two parked cars, then she almost tripped, for she forgot about the curb and about having to take a step to get onto the sidewalk. When Amy looked around, to see if she could spot somebody walking up or down the street, her sight fell upon something by the nearby building’s staircase.  
For a second she just stood there then, as she was slowly taking in and processing what she was seeing, Amy started approaching the view, somebody lying on the cold pavement.

“Hope?” She called out. Amy was scared she was going to hear Hope’s voice calling for help. But she got more scared when nobody was answering her calls. Tears started collecting in the corners of her eyes, while her walk quickened. 

“Shit, _Hope!_ Fuck, no,” Amy dropped to her knees, taking Hope’s still body into her arms. Amy had no idea what she was supposed to do. “Hope, please,” Amy’s sight was blurred by the salty water from her eyes. Having faith in those guys having a smoke still being outside, she yelled, “somebody, please help! _Please!_ ” 

Nobody seemed to be coming. Reaching for her phone, Amy quickly dialed 911. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m at, I don’t know, my girlfriend, she is unconscious, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, this is my fault,” Amy was starting to break down, so the woman on the other side of the line kept talking to her, asking questions.

“I don’t know what happened, she, we were dancing, I, I took something, she didn’t, I, it’s my fault,” Amy trailed off and the phone dropped from her hand. She hung up on the lady and quickly dialed another number. 

“ _Hello?_ ” A sleepy voice answered.

“Tino?” Amy sniffled quietly, “I’m, something happened, Hope, she, um.”

“ _Amy?_ ” His attention immediately sharpened, “what happened? Where are you?”

“I don’t know. We, we’re outside, a club, Rashid’s or something, please… Tino, I think she’s, I’m so sorry, I didn’t want this to happen.”

“ _Amy, Amy, listen to me. I will be right there, okay? Are you inside or outside?_ ”

“Outside.”

“ _You need to keep her warm, okay? Give her your jacket, whatever, just keep her warm. I’m on my way.”_

 _Keep her warm. Keep her warm._ That was the only thing Amy wanted to do. Keep Hope warm. But wasn’t what she was doing since the very beginning the exact opposite? _Keep her warm_. But how do you even keep warm somebody else when it’s so cold in the body which is sheltering your own soul?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... there it is. This was Amy's side of that night. And though from this we only know what Amy knows, in the next chapter Hope gets more space to tell what happened. 
> 
> I would like to read your opinions if it was something you've expected or if maybe this whole chapter (and "mystery") was completely unsatisfying. Idk, surprise me (or not), it's up to you haha


	27. Blind faith, heartache

_Present day_

“I remember some things,” Amy was ashamed of just how blurred and distant here memories had seemed. She was reaching out for them but they kept slipping from under her grip; like holding water in her hands. “Everything's just… I can _feel_ the pain, but I,” she shrugged, kept her sight gazing down at the steering wheel. 

“You all had a drink, except me,” Hope repositioned herself in her seat, sitting sideways, facing Amy. She reached out her arm and with her hand gently pushed the hair out of Amy’s face, tucked it behind her ear, “Tommy kept bugging me about it the whole time. I didn’t know how well did you know him, you never really mentioned him before. He seemed fine to me, I think. Then he called you aside, I saw you guys talking, seemed like you were arguing.”

Amy’s looked at Hope with tears in her eyes, “you-”

“His friends, they tried to get closer to me, but I didn’t want to lose sight of you, I didn’t want us to get separated. I saw how you took something. And I think I kind of always knew about it. I think I got angry because I thought that you finally doing therapy was good, that it was helping. I believed that it was enough for you to get better. That and me being there for you. And then I see you taking something, I just… then you came back and it wasn’t an immediate thing, you were acting all cool. But after two songs, you just, you weren’t there with me. You were dancing by my side, but… remember that talk we had. I told you about how I felt like you were disappearing. That night, that moment, I thought… I thought I had lost you for good. You were gone again. I went to the bar, thinking drinking something was going to make me feel better. I had like two drinks, then Tommy appeared and offered to buy me a round. I accepted, we started talking. I don’t remember what about, it’s not that important. But I do remember how, at one point, he said something along the meaning of you owing him, big times, so he was glad we ran into each other and that soon you two would be even. I, I went to the restroom and when I got back, he was gone but left another drink for me. I finished it and decided to get some fresh air. I was then going to go back to get you, take you home, try to talk. But as I was walking outside, I started feeling dizzy, my head was spinning. A few guys even helped me up the stairs. They kept asking if I was okay if I didn’t need a cab. I think there came a point where I didn’t know where I was, I just walked, but didn’t know where was I going to end up.”

Amy was staring in front of her, tears rolling down her cheeks. Hope’s words were slowly filling up the gaps of her own memory. It was certain at that moment, that what happened to Hope was her fault. 

“I woke up in the hospital a day later. My parents were contacted, they were there by the time I woke up,” Hope caught one of the teardrops from falling, “hey,” she said softly, then leaned closer to Amy, “it wasn’t your fault.”

Amy didn’t understand how Hope wasn’t blaming her. Even without knowing an important piece of information about what Amy did to Tommy. She saw Amy taking the drugs that night and she still didn’t think that if Amy was sober, the whole incident could’ve been avoided. 

Amy nodded her head and with her voice shaking, she whispered, “it is very much my fault, Hope.”

“No, it’s not,” Hope took Amy’s hand and squeezed it. 

“It is because,” Amy gulped hardly, “I, I trashed Tommy’s apartment… and stole his stash.”

“What?” Hope let go of Amy’s hand, “why would you do that?”

“I don’t know… it, it was the day the lady called from LA, about the house. I was distraught… when I got there, I saw he had your photos from the auction, they were hanging on the walls all over his living room. I was convinced he wanted to hurt me for some reason, that it was the reason he bought your photos… I got so mad, I just… So, yes, Hope, it all happened because of me. That night, it was his revenge.”

Hope was speechless for a moment, “it’s, you’ve never been-”

“I wasn’t myself. I know that now. I can’t tell you how sorry I am, Hope. You, you could’ve died.”

“But I didn’t,” Hope reached for Amy’s hand again. 

Amy turned her head, looked into Hope’s eyes for the first time since she parked the car, “that is _not_ the point. I’ve just told you how my irresponsible and stupid behavior almost got you killed and you’re _not_ angry. Why are you not blaming me for it? Why aren’t you screaming at me about how upset you are? Why aren’t you leaving the car?” Amy realized she was almost the one screaming. She had to stop herself, take a breath, then she quietly added, “why are you still here?”

“Why do you want me to leave? Why would you want us to separate again?”

“I can’t,” Amy broke down, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she kept apologizing as tears flooded her eyes. 

“Hey,” Hope took Amy’s hand and gently pecked it, “I didn’t think it was your fault, it was a long time ago.”

“What about now? After what I’ve just told you.”

“Whatever you tell me right now, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change anything… I don’t blame you for anything, because… I didn’t know what you were going through when your parents died. I didn’t know what was happening in your mind, why you did the things you did, why were you _disappearing_. I couldn’t understand however much I tried,” Hope stopped for a second, “but I didn’t have to wait long to find out what losing somebody close to you feels like.”

“ _Hope_.”

“No, it’s… it fucks you up… And, my parents, they never told me you came to visit me at the hospital. They even took my phone away. I was so pissed at them. My parents made me fly back to LA, see a therapist. I wanted to call you the second I woke up. Then I tried after I was released, but you weren’t answering. Two weeks I spent dialing your number, but it always went straight to voicemail. I was angry at you. I was even angrier, when I received a letter from you four months later,” Hope chuckled, “I was like _‘what the hell’_. It almost ended up in the trash without me even opening it. Then I read it and… I think I cried.”

Hope’s last sentence made Amy let out a chuckle. 

Hope added regretfully, “and I never responded to it. Even now I wonder why we never reunited again.”

“I’m not sure either.”

“When… I was, um,” Hope took a deep breath before continuing, “I was working, I was living in Boston for a few months. I was photographing an event held at one of these rooftop bars, with a pool and everything. I got a call from Xander’s superior officer. They told me I was the only contact my brother gave them. I don’t remember the first thirty seconds after we hung up. Then suddenly I found myself standing on the edge of the roof. I wasn’t sure how to tell my parents,” Hope laughed, “they didn’t believe me the first time I said it out loud. I think they realized I’m not joking when I broke down. They were acting like they cared that he died,” Hope scoffed. Amy knew about Hope blaming her parents for driving their son away. 

Amy got into the same sitting position as Hope and reached for her hands to hold them, for she couldn’t do so when Hope was going through the toughest of times. “Right before I was about to go back to Boston, my boss called me and announced that they booked a flight for me to New Jersey, where he was transferring me to. I’m not sure how I got to it, but by the time I was sitting on that plane to Jersey, I was, uh, I had become hooked on some pills my psychiatrist friend prescribed me. I was taking way over the recommended dose. And I was flying to a city I didn’t even have a place to stay at. So then when I ran into Annabelle at the airport in LA and she said she was going to Jersey too and she had an extra room at her place, it was all good. I mean it wasn’t, but I thought it was. It wasn’t hard to find people who would sell you stuff that is highly overpriced, but you’re too desperate to care,” Hope got quiet for a moment, looked for compassion in Amy’s gaze. There was fear in the eyes of the girl sitting in the passenger’s seat; fear of finding judgment being the only answer to her confession. 

“Why didn’t you call me?”

Hope shrugged, “thought it was going to pass, that I was going to wake up one day and I would be okay.”

“That day never comes, not like that. Not when you’re on your own, not when you’re with other people.”

“Exactly.”

“But, I’m not other people,” Amy reminded Hope, although, ultimately, she was aware that it didn’t mean anything. She remembered how she had Hope, somebody who wasn’t just some person, by her side in New York and it still didn’t do much. But she hated how Hope went through God knows what things all by herself without Amy knowing about it, without Amy being able to be there. 

“You’re not,” Hope started drawing invisible circles in Amy’s palm, “I had your letter with me, it was with me all the time, and even when I had the shittiest days, I had to remind myself that you, you were clean. I cared too much and I knew that if I called you, you would have come. Then I would’ve pulled you down with me. And there was no way I was going to let that happen. And I still care way too much, so us having this conversation feels wrong. Like we’ve just blown our last chance.”

“How long has it been since you’ve fallen off the wagon again?” Amy hated having to ask this question, but she couldn’t help but remember the signs of an addict she had noticed on Hope since their reunion in LA.

Hope gave her a confused and hurt look, probably not expecting such a direct question, after she had poured her heart out to Amy. “I’m, I’m not,” she scoffed, let go of Amy’s hands. 

“So you weren’t going to have your ex-classmate intoxicate you through a needle, were you back there?” 

“What,” Hope rolled her eyes, then opened the door on her side and got out of the car, while saying, “you’re fucking paranoid, Amy,” in a completely outraged tone, with a complete change ot attitude. 

Amy followed her out of the car. “You want us to work? Be honest then,” Amy kept talking to Hope, who was walking to the nearby bench by the edge of the cliff they were parked at. 

Suddenly, Hope swiftly turned around, while throwing her arms in the air, “I can’t… wasn’t it enough? Wasn’t what I’ve just told you enough?” 

“Oh, so you want to feed me half of a story? Enchant me with half the truth? Hm? And then what? You think you can _pretend_ you’re okay? I’ve been there, Hope. I’m the last person you could fool.”

“Why do you need me then to talk in the first place if you already know all the answers?” Hope’s voice was about to crack any time now. 

“I don’t know everything that has happened to you! There wasn’t a day I didn’t think of what you might be doing if you were okay. So why won’t you just tell me what is going on with you ?”

Hope was quiet, looking around all the things that surrounded them. But the empty parking lot and the dark sky were just as lonely as the two of them, even though they were standing there opposite to each other. Finally, Hope called into the silent night, “I can’t tell you because I’m not like you. I’m fucking weak.”

“What?” Amy stepped a little closer, hoping the taller woman would accept her approach, and wouldn’t back away. 

Amy heard Hope’s voice shaking, she was on the verge of tears, “I can’t lose you, I can’t let you down. You’re obviously the last person who hasn’t given up on me, although I have already given up on myself.”

Amy was mere two steps from Hope now, every inch of her wanting to wrap Hope up in a tight hug. “Did something bad happen?” Amy asked, started getting concerned as to what Hope’s answer was going to be. 

“The first time I started rehab, I left after two weeks with this girl. She took me to some friends’ of hers. I don’t remember too much. But I did wake up on a hospital bed again. My parents were there, _again_. The second time I started rehab, I got through a month, maybe. The same scenario, except now I did the leaving by myself. The third time I woke up on a hospital bed, my parents weren’t there. It’s not like I wanted them there, but it, it was waking up all by myself since then.”

“Some people fall back. But it doesn’t make them weak. You’re _not_ a weak person.”

“You don’t know that… it is how I feel. Fucking exhausted.”

Amy took Hope’s hand and intertwined their fingers, “should we go somewhere where it’s warmer?”


	28. Do you want me crawling back to you?

_New York_  
Amy was sitting on the bench just outside the hospital, rubbing her aching wrist. Shortly she heard a voice, soon saw a figure approaching her. 

“Here,” she was handed a cold pack. Only when the person sat down next to her did she realize it was Tino. “Did you punch Rick?”

“Who?” Amy placed the cold pack on her sore wrist 

“The security guy?”

“I missed. The wall took the hit.”

“ _Amy-_ ”

“Don’t Amy me. Hope, she’s. Is she going to be okay?”

“She is. The question is, are _you_ ready to get out of this mess?” 

“How?”

“You know the answer to that.”

“I… where do I even go? How do I begin?”

“I know a doctor. I can get you an appointment if you feel like you’re ready. But only if you know you’re ready. You have to _want_ to do this. For yourself. Not her, not your friends. Yourself.” 

*

_Two months after the night_

Amy was nervously swinging her leg back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Soon it was going to be her turn to talk and she didn’t know what she was going to say. She had listened to everyone else talk, she could’ve just borrowed from each person’s life story to make up her own. 

When she stood up, to her surprise, she spoke about her own thoughts and feelings, “I, I haven’t really spoken out about myself. I’ve been here like a month, I think,” she didn’t know where to look, what or who to set her sight upon. It put her into an uncomfortable position she wished to escape as soon as possible, “I don’t, I don’t know how to talk about it all. So much happened and I’m still trying to make sense of it all. There are so many things I don’t remember, which makes me upset whenever I’m trying to do that,” Amy could feel her heart beating faster with each second, “I don’t know what I want. If I want to be here at all. I don’t think anybody cares where I am. And I don’t know if the only person who might, still does. We got separated under terrible conditions and I never got to tell her I was sorry. So now that I’m standing here, with the only thing on my mind being that she might never forgive me again, I wonder if there’s a point in me being here.”

*

_Present day_  
Hope unlocked her hotel room’s door and let both of them inside. Amy heard her phone going off, receiving multiple messages. She reached into her purse and saw Molly and Annabelle were blowing her phone up with texts, looking for her. She texted both of them back, so they had no worries, that she was with Hope, and probably wasn’t going back to the reunion. 

“Amy?”

Amy looked up and saw Hope standing with her back facing her. 

“Can you help me?” 

Amy undid the zipper of Hope’s dress and watched the taller woman get out of her dress. The same way, Hope helped Amy out of her dress. She planted a few kisses on Amy’s uncovered shoulder, while her hands gently caressed her bare hips, making Amy fall short of breath. Amy turned around and stepped to her toes to kiss Hope. When their lips disconnected, a hungry gaze chaperoned them as they walked to the bed. 

“I held onto that letter for like two weeks,” Amy whispered, while her hand intertwined with Hope’s. The way they were lying there, side by side, undressed both literally and metaphorically, was the closest they’ve ever been. “I was so scared to send it to you.”

“I’m glad you did,” Hope smiled.

That stare into Hope’s eyes brought all the words of that letter back. _I don’t even dare to imagine what your reaction is going to be when you see my name on the envelope. It’s been four months since that night, that I’ve seen you the last time. It’s taken me some time, but the reason I’m writing to you only now is that I’ve been getting help. I wouldn’t say I’m locked up, that would sound wrong, rehab is not as bad as one would imagine. It was, in the beginning, it is for many people even after such a long time. I’m also writing to you because I’m too scared you wouldn’t answer if I called… or you did and the moment you’d hear my voice, you’d hang up without a word. I’m not sure if I will ever be able to forgive myself for the things I’ve done and the way I acted. What I’m sure of is that I will never be able to forgive myself for the way I treated you, and I in no way expect you to do so either. I was trying so hard not to remember what happened with my parents, that I have managed to make myself forget how to make memories at all. I’m scared, though. I’m scared to get better. I’m scared because if I get better, I get released. I have to go back to live life in the real world. I still don’t know where I stand, who I am, but am on a good path of figuring it out. I can only hope you are doing okay, that you find happiness because you deserve all the good things in life._

“What are you thinking about?” She asked Amy.

_I’m thinking of kissing you. I’m thinking about staying here with you forever. I’m forgetting about the world outside of these four walls. I’m wishing to dive deep into your eyes. My heart is aching, Hope. I’m remembering everything I’ve done. I still don’t understand why you’re here._

Amy cleared her throat, “about how we got here.”

“You drove us here.”

Amy smiled, “where do we go from here?” She said aloud one of the scary questions she had wished to avoid. But there was no step forward without asking it. Or the other ones. _Are we both sure? Is this the right thing to do? Be together again? Give it another chance? Do you love me? Do I love you? Or do we just want to be reminded how it felt?_

“I don’t care as long as I’m going with you.”

Amy reached her hand, gently cupped Hope’s jaw into her own palm, then whispered, “what if it’s not meant to be?” 

*

_Seven months after the night_

It was kind of ironic. Life really had an odd kind of humor. And why it was playing such a joke on Amy was unclear to her. Regardless, the day of her release had come. She was happy, finally ready to step outside of the safe haven the place had become for her. But being released on the exact date of her parents’ death was… well, bittersweet. 

She went to check up with her counselor for the last time. 

“Have you talked to your friend?” 

“Yes, Lena’s coming to pick me up around three.” 

“Here,” she slid a piece of paper to Amy, “I’ve already scheduled an appointment with doctor Trim for next week.”

“Thank you.”

“And,” the counselor had another item for Amy, “it came this morning. I believe you’re strong enough to face whatever had happened in the past and find a resolution.”

Amy’s heart skipped a beat when she saw the tiny package given to her. 

“If you feel like it, you can come back once you’ve opened it. I’m free till two, so we can have a talk for the last time.”

“Thank you.”

Amy seated herself on the chair right outside the counselor’s office. A tiny object fell out of the package once Amy opened it. A bracelet. Only once she had had a better look at it, did her eyes fill with tears. _It’ll be alright, nerd._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for the positive feedback, sweethearts ♥ 
> 
> I finished writing the very last chapter last night and I shed a tear or two tbh. I will post them in the next two weeks. Not sure if I'll start something new any time soon (I have my bachelor's exams in late january) or whether it would be a booksmart fic. We'll see. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!!


	29. And I can't see you here, wonder where I might

_Present day_

“I can’t believe it’s over, again,” Molly sighed, then looked at Amy sitting across from her, “I can’t believe you’ve missed all the fun, _again_ .”

Before Amy could’ve said something in her defense, why she skipped the reunion the previous evening, Annabelle assured her how, “you’ve missed nothing. _Not a thing._ Only if you were dying to see somebody pour a cup of punch into somebody else’s neck, then you missed out on something. If not, you’re good.”

“She’s missed out on making new memories.”

“I think I’m good with the ones I have,” _and the ones I gained back_. 

“Still, this is our last day together,” Molly reminded them of reality still existing and them still having lives,” we should do something.”

“Like what?” Asked Annabelle as she showed another spoonful of ice cream in her mouth. 

Suddenly, Amy’s phone, which was resting on the table started buzzing. She grabbed it way too swiftly for the two girls sitting opposite from her not to get suspicious. “I have to take this,” she said excusing herself, then left the table, “Tino, hey.”

 _“Amy, sorry, just got your message. So what is it exactly you’re asking from me?”_

“Yeah, I, uh, remember when, when I was an addict?”

 _“Yeah, rings a bell… did you-”_

“No! No, not me. Hope.”

 _“Oh, how, when did you two- wait, where are you?”_

“LA… high school reunion… Lena didn’t tell you?”

 _“No, she probably forgot. But what exactly are you asking me to do?”_

“Are you still friends with doctor Hall? It’s really important.”

 _“Are you okay?”_

“Yes. Never been better,” Amy reminded herself of the previous night she spent with Hope. Just talking. It was _talking_ , “so can you give the doctor a call? We’re returning to New York tomorrow.”

 _“So it’s _we_ now?”_

“It’s… I don’t know what it is, not yet. It’s complicated.”

 _“Isn’t it always?”_

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Amy asked defensively. 

_“If she’s-”_

“She’s fine… I mean, she will be. She has nobody else, okay? I know what I’m doing. I trust myself, so please, can you do that too?”

“Okay. I’ll call him when I get home.” 

“Thank you… and, get the soonest appointment, please…oh, and Tino?”

 _Yeah?”_

“Please, don’t tell Lena. I want to tell her myself.”

 _“Sure.”_

“Thanks.”

 _“Call when you get back.”_

Amy hung up with a smile on her face. While the future of things about to happen in the near future were deep inside a misty forest, Amy was still in a positive state of mind. 

Amy went back to her friends, who were watching her with interest. After a few moments of awkward silence, Amy asked, “what?”

Molly was about to open her mouth to say something, but Annabelle cut in, “how about we all go to the beach today? Hm?”

Amy gave Molly a confused look, while crossing her arms against her chest, as she had started to feel uncomfortable in the situation, even though it was her best friend she was looking at. Finally, Amy shrugged, “I guess we can do that.”

“Cool, I’ll call Kyle and Julian. You call Gigi and Jared,” she said to Molly, then turned to Amy, “and you call George and Hope.”

Both Amy and Molly raised their brows. 

“How do you two make everything so awkward?” 

“I’m not,” Molly argued.

“You do.”

“Do not!” 

“Fine,” Amy finally broke the sparkling argument up, “I’ll text them.”

“Thank you,” Annabelle gave her a smile, “see? It’s easier if you cooperate.”

Molly’s tongue clicked, but she decided not to make a comment. 

Amy wasn’t sure what Hope was going to say if she was up to going to the beach. In fact, Amy hadn’t heard from her since she left Hope’s hotel room in the morning. Even the texts she sent to Hope hadn’t been answered. 

Annabelle gave her and Molly a ride. While Molly asked to be dropped off at home, Amy agreed to help Annabelle pick up some things left at the gym from the previous night. 

“How is she doing?” Annabelle broke the silence once it was only the two of them.

“Huh?”

“Hope. You _were_ with her last night, weren’t you?”

“Uh, yes. She’s,” Amy paused, unsure what to reveal to the girl behind the steering wheel and what to leave to herself. Hope didn’t want anybody else to know about her issues, that was for sure. “She’s doing well.”

“We weren’t friends… in high school. Didn’t say more than ten words to each other. She saved my ass once in senior year though. On prom night. I got drunk. Called a cab. On my way out some guy came up to me and started making offers. He grabbed me by the arm. The next thing was Hope yelling at him. Then I think she broke his nose. She drove me home and made sure I was okay. I don’t think I ever thanked her after I sobered up.”

“Why are you telling me this?” 

“Whatever she’s going through, because I know she’s going through _something_ , she obviously needs somebody to be there for her. That’s why I’ve asked you to talk to her the other day. I’m not really friends with her, but I still care.”

“I am there for her. I’m… trying, it’s just, things happened and-” 

“You don’t owe me an explanation, Amy. Not to me _or_ Molly.”

“I know, but… I feel like she’s not being honest with how she feels. And it so unlike her.”

“Maybe she knows how much it means to you, how much Hope means to you. She doesn’t want to hurt you… maybe she’s scared she might lose you if she told you how she felt.”

“She’s my best friend, there’s nothing she could say-”

“You two’ve had a whole ass ocean between you for the past what, six years? Both of you can claim you’re best friends as much as you like, but it still doesn’t change the fact that you can’t stuff all those years into one afternoon.”

Amy’s thoughts dropped. Annabelle was so right. It hurt. Had she and Molly gotten distant, only it had happened so subtly, Amy never realized it? 

On their way back after collecting all the remaining things from the high school’s gym, Amy received a text from Hope, about the taller woman not being in the mood for the beach thing Annabelle came up with. Amy was ready to stop by at the hotel Hope was staying at, but Hope convinced her to go and enjoy the last day in LA, that she had some other business to take care of before leaving. Maybe it was wrong, but there was an unsettling amount of doubt about what Hope was planning on doing that day. Amy having a hundred percent trust in Hope was not true. 

Later that day, as they’re all enjoying the afternoon on the beach, Amy and Molly keep exchanging looks, while sitting ten feet from each other, but neither of them making the first move to go up to the other one. 

Amy noticed Annabelle noticing their ridiculous behavior and gave Amy a stringent look, which didn’t encourage her to go talk to Molly at all. The next thing Amy saw was Annabelle going up to Molly and arguing with her. Soon, Molly was approaching Amy.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Amy was blinded by the sun, she had to cover her eyes. 

“May I?” 

“Yeah, of course.”

They sat there beside each other awkwardly for a minute, then Molly spoke up, “when are you leaving tomorrow?” 

“At noon… you?”

“I’m staying for another day.”

“What? Why?” 

“Cousins are coming for a visit and my mom wants me here.”

“Oh, okay.”

Finally, Molly broke the ice of awkwardness, “look, Amy, I never wanted things to be this way. I’m trying really hard to accept that everything has changed. _We_ have changed. And, yeah, sure, we can both say it’s fine, but I miss us. I miss you so much, Amy. I don’t want to lose my best friend.”

“I don’t want to lose you either. But I, I can’t stay here, I can’t _not_ go back to New York, and I,” Amy had become a little emotional. After a second she whispered, “I can’t leave her alone.”

“I know,” Molly took Amy’s hand the second she saw the tears in Amy’s eyes, “I’m not trying to tell you what to do.”

“I promise I won’t do anything stupid. But I know what it feels like when you’re trying to get better and you don’t have a family who’d support you. I want to be a family to her.”

“I know. And I totally respect that. However, what I _won’t_ respect is _me_ not being around for you.”

“What, what does that mean?”

“I’m on a good way to work my boss into transferring me to New York.”

“ _What?_ Are you serious?” A little smile appeared on Amy’s face. 

“Yeah.”

“But London… you love it there.”

“I do, but I don’t have my best friend with me.”

*

“Thanks for the ride, Julian.”

“No problem,” Julian pulled up at the hotel Hope was staying at, “you sure you’re good? Do you want me to wait here?”

“No, I’m good. Go home. And thanks.”

“Good night then.”

Amy was fast inside the hotel’s lobby. She had texted Hope like forty times but received no answer, which was concerning, for it was almost ten in the evening. With each step towards the reception desk, Amy was getting more nervous. Panic came over her when the lady behind the reception desk told Amy about Hope checking out of the hotel earlier in the afternoon.

“She didn’t leave a message?” 

“I’m sorry.”

“That’s fine, uh, thank you anyway.”

Amy was leaving with tears in her eyes. Where would Hope go? Why would she leave? Where to? Why? _Why?_ With her hands shaking, she dialed Molly’s number. She was scared of what her best friend was going to have to say, but Amy was more interested in finding Hope. She would deal with Molly later. 

“Molly? Uh.”

_“Amy? What is it?”_

“She’s um, Hope, she’s left.”

_“Where are you? I’m coming to get you.”_

“Molly-”

_“Send me the address asap!”_

“Okay, okay.”

Amy decided to sit on a nearby bench while waiting for Molly to arrive. She’d tried calling Hope again and again and again. 

Molly arrived in less than fifteen minutes and Amy quickly hopped into her car. After noticing Molly not driving away from the hotel, Amy gave her an outraged, “what the hell?” 

“What?”

“We need to go!”

“But where, Amy? I’ll gladly drive you wherever, but first, you need to tell me where to.”

Amy let out an upset groan, “I don’t know, okay?”

“Maybe she’ll come back.”

“She checked out of the hotel.”

“ _Oh_ … her parents?”

“No.”

“How are you so sure?”

“I just know.”

“Okay… where did she go when she was upset when we were in high school?” 

“We could check the lookout,” Amy didn’t really remember all the places they used to go to. Their high school years were a long time ago.

“Good. It’s a good start. We’ll find her.”

As they pulled up at the lookout, they could both see a person sitting on the bench under one of the street lamps. It was impossible to tell if it was Hope or not. Amy got out of the car and rushed to the bench. 

When she was close enough for not having to shout to be heard, she called Hope’s name. When the person didn’t turn around, Amy had second thoughts about it actually being her and not some stranger. 

Then she heard the person go, “yeah?” It _was_ Hope, but her voice was so low. That was when Amy saw she was holding a bottle of something she was sure was alcohol. 

“Hope?” Amy called on her again, once she was facing the sitting woman. 

“ _Amy,_ ” Hope’s voice was colored with a soft shade of shame of being caught. 

“What are you doing here? Why aren’t you picking up?”

“I needed some time to think.”

“You could’ve let me know you were leaving the hotel.”

“Uh,” Hope obviously didn’t know what to say to Amy. She let the bottle sit on the pavement next to her right foot. 

“Why would you scare me like that?” Amy had difficulties catching her breath, tears were blurring her sight. 

“I’m sorry. I, I’m just feeling so,” Hope trailed off, wiped her eyes with her palms already covered with her tears, “I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know what I’m doing. I think of things I want to do and I question every single one of them. I stop and ask myself if this is who I am. If this is what I’d have done seven years ago. And I, I can’t tell. I can’t tell if what I do is what I want to do. I’m lost. Wherever you took me, I’d probably stay there because I don’t care. And I’m so homesick, Amy. I want to go home more than anything, but if you asked me where that was... I’m homesick for a place that I’m not even sure exists. I feel physical pain at the thought of flying back to where nobody’s expecting me, where I don’t cross anybody’s mind. My mother won’t take me in because she’s too concerned about what her friends will think, while _she_ sent her own son to fucking die!” At last, Hope broke down. 

Amy sat next to her and hugged her. Tightly. All while listening to the taller one repeating a heartbreaking sentence, “I just want to go home.” 

It was in that instance, when Amy realized Hope had shattered to pieces completely. Maybe it was Amy who pushed her, maybe it was the nostalgia. Whatever it was, Amy was ready to keep Hope from drowning.


	30. All I wanna hear her say is

_Five months later, New York City_

Amy was nervously tip toeing left and right, her eyes running up and down the church’s aisle. There was exactly zero reason for her palms to be sweaty. They rehearsed the ceremony like three times. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw Molly, Annabelle and Hope enter. They took a seat in the third row on Amy’s side, so she had a clear view at her friends. 

Suddenly, Amy’s was nudged by Elle, “you good?”

“Mhm, all good.”

“Maybe one of you catches the bouquet,” she said suggestively, while eyeing the third row. Amy didn’t say a word, only smiled while looking at Hope. “I still don’t get how it even took them _this_ long to get married. It’s funny though. I can’t imagine to be with somebody for almost six years, ugh.”

“Yeah… I’m gonna ask her… tonight.”

Amy’s words caught Elle off guard. She wasn’t sure if she understood what exactly Amy was telling her, “wait, you-”

A coy smile appeared on Amy’s face. That was when the realization hit her friend standing next to her, “ _ooooh_ … you do know I was kidding when I said that thing a minute ago.”

For a second, Amy was uncertain about Elle’s reaction, “what do you think?”

“I’m, I didn’t expect _you_ being the one who proposes, but,” Elle paused, scanned Amy’s figure up and down, “are you _sure_ you can get on your knee in that dress?” 

Amy had to hold back her laughter and excessive smiling, “if were weren’t in a church, I’d punch you right now.”

“You’d be getting punched for not taking me ring shopping with you.”

“I’d need a fortune if I went ring shopping with you.”

“As if you wouldn’t spend all the money in the world on _that_ ,” Elle nodded at Hope, who was chatting with Annabelle. 

“Oh, shut up,” Amy said playfully.

“We’re in a church, Amy… so what’s the plan?”

“What plan?”

“The proposal? You _did_ plan a big ask, right?” 

“Well,” Amy did not think of one. She didn’t really have the time. All the stuff at her work and looking for a bigger place so Hope could be able to move in with them once she was released, took all of Amy’s energy. Thinking about which knee she was going to drop to or what exact words was she going to say, were all at the very bottom of her to do list.

“Girl,” Elle with much disappointment, “I did _not_ raise you for you not be able to come up with a great ask, which she would never forget.”

“Okay, so what would _you_ do?”

“Oh, I’m not giving you my plan for when I have a partner to propose to one day. Mm-mmm.”

“Then leave my boring self alone.”

“There comes the groom,” Elle nods at the approaching Tino all dressed up in a fancy tuxedo.

“Hey,” he said a little nervously, “has either of you talked to Lena?”

Both girls shook their heads, then Amy asked, “why? Is everything alright?” 

“She’s not answering her phone.”

“She’s getting married in five minutes, you’ll see her in two. Why would she need to talk to you?”

“She knows how nervous I am… and she always knows how to calm me down.”

Elle gave him a thoughtful look, “for somebody who gets into stressful situations on a daily basis, you must suck at your job.”

“ _Please_ ,” Tino pleaded for Elle not to make jokes. 

“Maybe she doesn’t have her phone with her. Wedding dresses have no pockets,” Amy tried to give a good explanation, then added in realization, “sometimes not even our pants have them.”

Elle just nodded in agreement. 

The next moment, Tino’s parents and Lena’s mom entered the church. This meant that Lena had also arrived and everything was ready for the ceremony. 

Without a hesitation from either Lena or Tino, they both promised love and support for the rest of their lives, and the priest pronounced them husband and wife.

Once the ceremony was over, Amy and Elle reunited with Molly, Annabelle, and Hope outside, while they waited for the bus to take them to the reception. 

“Aww, you cried,” Molly pointed out Elle wiping her red eyes. 

Elle protested though, “no, I’m allergic to emotions.”

“You cried and my friend here,” Molly was now eyeing Annabelle, “owes me two drinks.”

Elle just shook her head, “you two have a serious gambling problem,” she referred to Molly and Annabelle constantly betting on the probability of other people’s behavior. 

Amy was more interested in how Hope was feeling. 

Being at a wedding only a week after being released from the medical center was maybe a little overwhelming for Hope, but she was feeling better than ever. She had been clean for four months and she was proud at herself. There still were weak moments, but those weren’t about her needing to take something. They were more about uncertainty. While Amy was visiting her and there for her all that time, she had to find a meaning in life which wasn’t the girl. And that had been giving her harder days, but nothing she couldn’t handle. And true was also how, when being by herself, Hope had a feeling of being lonely. A feeling of being at a party where everyone knows everyone, except for her, and everyone is having fun, and she just sits there and can’t leave for some reason. That even though she was surrounded by people who said were there for her, for some reason, she couldn’t tell if they really were or were saying that only out of decency. 

The first thing they got to at the reception was dinner. But Amy, partially thanks to Elle, grew nervous about how to propose to Hope. her stomach got so twisted, she had difficulties eating anything. Of course, this fact didn’t go unnoticed by Hope.

“Are you okay?” She leaned closer to ask, but this only made Amy more nervous. 

“Yeah.”

People were slowly coming forth to the space designated for dancing, the volume of the soft music played in the background went up. 

“Do you want to dance?” Hope suggested. Amy panicked and quickly called for Molly. 

“I’ll just have a quick word with her.”

Hope just smiled.

Amy dragged Molly with her behind one of the big pillars on the other end of the room. “You need to help me.”

“With what? Are, are you sweating?” Molly reached her hand, ready to make contact with Amy’s forehead with her finger. 

Amy quickly slapped her friend’s hand away, “stop, just, come on, I’m. I’m going to propose.”

“Propose what?”

“To Hope.”

When the dots connected in Molly’s mind, the girl yelled a loud _what_ , while left her mouth wide open. Her surprised self had soon transformed into a cheering, grinning one. 

“How do I ask her? Do I get down on one knee? Or should I just say ‘hey, you wanna marry me’?” Amy freaked out.

“Okay, okay, calm down and breathe, we don’t want you to collapse. Take her up one floor, there’s a balcony right by the stairs, the view is _perfect._ ”

“Should I ask why you know about this spot?”

“Let’s just say I had a moment there with somebody.”

Amy had a moment of silence of trying to guess who that might’ve been, but she let it be, when Molly said it was a conversation for another day. So they both went back to their seats. 

“So,” Amy turned to Hope.

“So?” Hope gave her the biggest smile. Before Amy would have suggested for the two of them to take a walk, which would have lead to Amy leading them to the spot Molly told her about, a new song came on, to which Hope became really enthusiastic, “God, I love this song.” It was Paul Anka’s _Put your head on my shoulder_ , Amy had recognized it from those times Hope played his music on rainy evenings. So maybe it was time to slow dance with her before asking the big question. 

Amy rose from her seat and reached her hand. As they walked onto the dancefloor, Amy noticed more people joining them. Maybe she asking there wasn’t a bad idea. She didn’t need to get onto her knee, did she? But she wanted to give a small speech to Hope before asking, although she was sure everything she wanted to say was going to turn into mist. 

“I could stay like this forever,” Amy heard Hope say after a little while of dancing. This made Amy smile, assured her it was the right time to ask. Then she heard the taller one go, “I thought you were going to cry.”

“Me? Why?” 

“Just,” Hope smirked.

“I don’t cry at other people’s weddings.”

To that Hope didn’t say anything. Once the song was over, Amy leaned closer, “I could use some air,” she said. It wasn’t a lie though, to lure Hope out for there were so many people by the time the song ended, it became crowded around them.

“Sure.”

Amy guided them where Molly told her to, and her best friend was not wrong at all. They had a view of the whole city of New York. Hope walked to the railing right away, looked down onto the street beneath them. 

Amy didn’t know how to start, how not to make it completely obvious that she was about to propose. But Hope spoke up sooner. 

“I got a letter today… my dad answered all of mine. He asked if he could visit us next month,” she turned around, leaned against the balcony railing, “he also apologized, I’m not sure what for, but… I think he’d be coming by himself. Do you think… should I give him a chance?”

“You can listen to what he wants to say. Decide about giving chances after.”

“I’m scared a little.”

“I know,” Amy approached her and reached for her hand, intertwined their fingers, “but I’ll be there… I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Me too.”

“I was um, I had all this stuff prepared to tell you on the day you were released and, then I saw you and, I couldn’t put into words any of my feelings. I’m just, I’m so happy. And there’s still _so much_ in front of us, there’s gonna be so many obstacles, but I don’t care, you know. Because whether our days are going to be filled with a year’s worth of events or they are as boring as watching paint dry… if it’s with you by my side, who cares.”

Hope smirked, “yeah, I love you too, nerd.”

“I think I have forgotten a really important thing,” Amy said as she realised she forgot to take the ring with her, but they were already in the perfect moment, “and I’m going to give it to you when we go back downstairs, but I have to ask you here… do you think you could imagine _me_ being the home you’re never had?” Amy saw the taller one tear up a little, so she finally asked, “will you marry me?” 

The simple act of a kiss was enough for Amy to know the answer. She was also sure that she was going to cry at the next wedding she was going to attend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, there it is. 
> 
> .... I'm so grateful for every and each person who took the time keep up (or binge-read) this story. When I started writing it, I didn't think I'd actually end up finishing it (or that it would have so many chapters) because sometimes I have the tendency to leave things unfinished. But I'm beyond glad I ended up finishing it. 
> 
> You wouldn't even believe how much has writing this helped me. This year was one of the worst years in my personal life and some of the feelings and anxieties you read in some of the chapters, well, those were my very own. And putting those thoughts and emotions into words has helped me, and knowing that I created something people like, is a double victory for me.
> 
> So thank you for reading this. I appreciate you all and the love you showed this story.
> 
> And even though I'm (hopefully) getting my degree in january and i have a big exam to study for, I still can't not think about not writing, so I have this idea for a mystery AU.. i might post the first chapter in early january, will see. but is defenitely not the last time you heard from me ;)


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